today has been rough. someone in towns kid went missing and that scared the crap out of me. they ended up finding her playing at someones house but it freaked me out.


im so glad i didnt have kids. i would have been insanely overprotective no doubt. and if something ever went wrong i know i wouldnt be able to handle it.


that happened to my ex. he had a child that died. i cant imagine dealing with something like that. probably the reason he drank every single night.



plus. i was molested as a child many times over. it would color my views on trusting others around my kid.


those are reasons i didnt.

i feel very unwell today. i tried some "distraction techniques" and got nowhere. ive been crying most of the day. nothing ever turns out ok and im tired of it. i have to move soon and im stressed about it. my only "friend" who ive had forever says hes moving too. i could go with him if i wanted but i dont want to. i keep trying to find a date but i cant talk to anyone for more than 5 minutes and think they are stupid. i just dont like anyone. period.



i dont know what i want to happen now. but as usual.... i dont really give a ###$ either.


i sit and cry but im kind of apathetic too. i have lots of alcohol but i dont feel like getting drunk.


is writing all this out even helping? i dont know?

i honestly never expected to live this long. i feel lost.


my ex used to say that to me - I FEEL LOST.

i remember saying, "dont worry, Ill find you."


lol. thats funny. wtf. all that really happened is I lost myself ...more.

i feel more dysfunctional than ever in some ways.

so sick of my life.

this path sucks. i want off.

i was thinking today on how it would be to marry a nice farmer or something and just have some chickens. there are enough of them around. im pretty sure i could snag one.


i believe part of me would be quite contented by that.



but then what the hell would the other half do.

most of my problems come from lack of sleep. my doctor prescribes me seroquel for sleep but i dont like to take it for long periods because it makes me fat.



it shuts down my emotions and levels things but do i want that? thats not who i am at all.

i cant go a week sleeping only a couple hours a night though... it messes me up.



i dont know.

I accidentally deleted my farm. now i have nothing to do and i only slept 2 hours last night so this day is going to be garbage.