im bored.

thought i was feeling better after trying something for depression but it just made me manic. I recognize the signs pretty easy now - quit eating and sleeping, cant breathe, feel like im going to have a heart attack. dont know if thats how it goes for everyone but that is how it goes for me.


i dont know why ANYTHING that may possibly make me feel better leads to that instead.



guess this is what i will have to deal with in my old age. hmph. im trying to learn natural things to bring me down from all that....



not having much luck.


yesterday i went out and tried to walk it off but someones dog came after me and tried to attack me. that didnt help the situation. not only do i hate dogs - I freak out if they come near me. i was bitten by a pit bull last summer whilst out for a walk and had to go to the hospital.
dont know why people cant keep their pets contained.

i keep thinking about my first boyfriend lately after someone showed me these pics of him on fb. he is really fat now. im glad we broke up. he definitely wasnt for me. at all.


actually. i didnt want him. i wanted his best friend. then things got really weird... they both wanted to date me and they would both call me all the time and try to get me to do stuff.

it was his friend i wanted to be with!!....but he got attached to me so quickly for some reason and then he would start crying all over the place all the time and I ended up being with him for that sole reason. because I felt sorry for him.

(and because he bought me tons of flowers too...for no real reason. i like flowers. so, that was nice)

anyhows - bad decision because in that whole 4 or 5 years we rarely got along.


then his friend that i liked hooked up with one very ugly and very stupid girl.

and he is still with her!! (only she has no teeth now... so she is even more ugly)





I always wonder if i had made the right choice that time would it be me with him nearly 30 years later.


probably. we probably would have been terribly happy together and everything would be wonderful and i would never have gone through that string of #######4 losers that i did. --- well..... those other 2 people.

i regret very few things in life but i definitely regret that particularly bad choice. dont know why im talking about this....bored. just sitting around waiting to try and sleep, like usual.