quietgirl2538's Blog

by **quietgirl2538** on Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:34 pm

In truth, exercise has helped me feel better, even if just temporarily, from a slight depression. It is indeed hard for me to keep doing it everyday but I manage to push past my fear and negativity that I have, and I make myself show up.

by **quietgirl2538** on Sat Mar 19, 2016 3:11 am

I still feel very tired. I feel as though I could use some time to myself and try to sort of catch up with my life which includes housework. I feel as if I am not a good mom because I don't make my kids help me more with chores.

My friend C is still talking to me. I am leery of her and of how she could possibly treat me again. Our friendship doesn't appear to be growing, it's at a standstill. I don't want to move forward and I believe in my heart that she doesn't want to move on either. I expect this friendship to dissolve eventually. I just don't care anymore. Love me or leave me, I must go on, go forward, move on...

I have given in to the idea that I am very tired and also becoming depressed. I have all the meds but somehow the depression is still there. I am thinking, oh well, oh hell, what can I do, I've tried everything I could for now, to keep this from happening. I can still smile, I go out and do things, but I've not been myself, not completely anyway.

This is my entry for now. As time has gone by I appear to be more depressed and I feel more depressed. I did try to fix it and now I don't see any quick fix anymore. It's like this is just how I'm gonna be, how my life is going to be, stable some of the time and unstable other times.

by **quietgirl2538** on Thu Mar 10, 2016 1:58 pm

I am not depressed. I know the pain of depression. Of not wanting to get out of bed, of having no energy, of life seeming bleak. I don't feel that at this time. But I want to retreat into my own little world where no one enters my life unless I allow them to. I want a break from being around other people. I want to pick and choose who I want in my life during this time and I want to also come back into the world when I'm good and ready. But why am I stating this or questioning if I can do this? Because it's a pattern I've followed for many years now. It's not that I want to break it, no, I just feel the need to step back and take a breather for as long as I need it. I know I need this and in my own way I am going to attempt to make it happen, because it is very important to me. I will not go out of my way to seek others out, but if they seek me out, then I will welcome them into my life, because I don't want to be rude. I will come and go as I please without being obligated to anyone be it with phone calls or having lunch. I will learn to say no to those two things. I want to be alone. But again, if they seek me out, I will not turn them down. This is what I need to do in my life. I have friends and I have very close friends and I have my bestie (best friend), and my very close friends and my bestie mean a ton to me. My friend or acquaintances, as some of them are that, I need to limit my time with them only because I feel the need to be alone. They are wonderful people in my life, and I love them all, but I am needing this break. Anyhow, that is how I feel at this point in my life.

by **quietgirl2538** on Wed Feb 24, 2016 2:07 am

This will most likely be a short entry. I am stable on 1500mg of lithium, 15mg of Abilify, 300mg of Lamictal, and 300mg of Wellbutrin, plus 10mg Valium (diazepam) for anxiety, which lately I've been using regularly (I've experienced so much anxiety the past 3 weeks), and 50mg of Seroquel for sleeping. Life hasn't been all that great these last few days. I feel so emotional lately. I feel down in mood sometimes. Anxious. Friends suck sometimes. I am not perfect, but some of them can act "high and mighty." It is yet to be seen if a friendship is still there with this person. I am sort of still taking it all in, the argument, the bad treatment towards me, and that comment that said something to me of what she really thought of me. That she thought me as someone with no backbone. Yes ma'am I do have a backbone as you found out. I know I have bipolar and sometimes my emotions take me high or very low and I am afraid to be someone I no longer know who she is. I hide at home, and keep away from everyone and everything. I sort of miss that. It would have avoided this traumatic moment I recently experienced.

I am glad that I have the right combination of meds and the right amount too. I will end my entry here.

by **quietgirl2538** on Tue Jan 26, 2016 8:41 pm

Today is January 26, 2016. I'll write more about the new year and all that. Today I started taking more lithium. I am having a low mood that doesn't go away and is hampering how I think and act. I am depressed. So, yesterday I saw Dr. H and he increased the lithium 600 mg, 300 mg in the A.M. and 300 in the P.M. Making it 1500mg a day. I go in next week to get lab work to see how the levels are, because right now they are very low and are not at a therapeutic level. That is the news for now. I started getting depressed sometime in December but it was not bad. In fact, for the most part I felt good.

Exercise has helped with it's endorphins, I think

from being tired to admitting I'm depressed

Needing a break from social life

Feeling down lately

Lithium increase Jan. 2016

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