quietgirl2538's Blog

by **quietgirl2538** on Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:08 pm

Yesterday I took my first step as a person who doesn't go out of her way to be kind. I had a tip for the hairstylist for 20% of the total price and I didn't give her that. Instead I made it for less than 15%. It was a hard thing to do. Impulsively I want to do good to those that are so kind to me. I go out of my way and I literally show it by paying them a nice tip. But I am changing for the better. I first need to take care of me. I have been treated shabbily by a few too many people in my life that I am unable to carry this weight of anger inside of me. Sometimes it turns to rage and I have a strong desire for revenge. I need to stop letting myself be treated this way. I get taken advantage of for my kindness and it feels awful. I don't want to be a mean person. So I am changing my approach. Fairness. I will give what is fair in terms of myself because if I cannot afford a large tip, then something less will have to suffice. And when people hurt me I will not allow them to enter into my life. I will somehow stay away from them and not have them in my home. My home is my safe haven. It no longers bothers me that I've been cheated or treated bad, I feel with me putting up boundaries I am completely safe and I can move forward. I no longer feel the strong emotions of hate or anger that would consume my thoughts daily. It is a terrible thing to be treated bad. It takes the mind and heart time to process it. I can't readily say I've forgiven the people because I haven't. And for now, I have no intention to do that. I am not quite there yet. But I am ready to defend myself in every way possible from these type of people even if it is as simple as staying as far away from them as I can! I don't want to live enraged and suspicious of every person that enters my life. I don't feel happiness or joy. Conciously I am now able to move forward into better enjoying my everyday life. With that behind me as a hard learned lesson. A memory now. When before it was a terrible memory.

by **quietgirl2538** on Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:20 am

Lately I've been so intense in my emotions. I feel everything so strongly. And I change my mind in seconds. It's irritating. One moment I am angry at God the next I pray to Him. Then I am and unbeliever again. I get upset with family then when I have an emotional experience I forgive completely. Only to wake up the next morning and want to push them away again. And now, I feel so worn out. I haven't been working hard, I just feel so overwhelmed, fearful in failing my goals for little things like getting this home straightened out and cleaned up. I feel so unable to get it done that I am hiring a cleaning lady to help with the heavy duty work. It's just too much for me. I know that it's just housework but it's too much on me. And I have to take care of me. I have so much to do. From organizing things, to cleaning out some boxes from the move and cleaning the entire home. Not to mention keeping the kitchen spotless. Then there is keeping the new puppy taken care and keeping him from things in the house or taking him out often so there are no accidents. Ok, now I'm depressing myself. (not really depression in the actual term) I will see how I do this week. I kinda wish I still had the cleaning lady like before.

by **quietgirl2538** on Sun Aug 31, 2014 10:46 pm

My mood has changed. I am trying to get along with family members. BTW, it was a close family member who slighted me on having bipolar. And I wanted to cut them off from mine and my family's life for good. But after seeing my brother get engaged and bringing in his fiancée, I just can't do it. I can't cut out that family member. I want, for the sake of my new sister-in-law, to get along as best as I am able to and that means to overlook it now, but to also be ready to defend myself, even if it quietly instead of such an extreme and angrily way as to push this family member away. With that said. I will concentrate on my own life and avoid them as best as possible but still stay in the circle of family harmony. Like I said it's for the sake of another person. If I had the choice, I would break away from that family member completely. My brother got engaged yesterday. I was thinking how I was going to go about dealing with this and their engagement helped guide me and my feelings to what I really wanted.

by **quietgirl2538** on Sun Aug 24, 2014 12:29 pm

Like I wrote before, ignorance is bliss. That must be how some haters view the world. I was put down on having BP. Sucks. At first I wanted to make them pay for hurting my feelings then I didn't care. Then I just want to ignore them as it won't even make them rethink how they view the world anyway. I guess I'll just ignore the slight and ignore them. Making them pay is too much work. I just know to stay away from them from now on. This is the best way I know how to deal with this. I really don't want to rehash this and have them put me down for something that is not my fault. Yet they think I am below them or as they worded it, "not as bad" as me.

by **quietgirl2538** on Sun Aug 17, 2014 1:30 pm

Ignorance is bliss.

Trying to move forward

Feeling overwhelmed and all over the place

Dealing with family and slights and anger at them

Slighted for having bipolar

The present state of things

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