Work just rang, they've had a huge delivery and could use some help.
I don't feel like getting out of bed today so I said no.
Now I feel like the worst employee and my boss with hate me forever and ever and he will never ask if I can do any overtime ever again because I can't be relied upon.
I'm in a terrible mood today and I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and cry.
Seriously considering joining a dating site, I know I've been going on about it for ages.
I'm just desperate for someone to talk to.
But now I feel like a moron because I could have had some human contact at work, but I told them I couldn't go in.
What is wrong with me?! Why can't I just get on with my life?
My father seriously upset me last night so maybe that's why I'm in this mood.
I can't blame everything on him though!
Why can't I just make a statement and stick to it! I keep changing my mind on everything.
I don't make any sense.
I'm just a stupid wh0re.
Wh0re is my favourite thing to call myself today.

I have many therapists. My current one, is the 5th I've seen. I know her well. I trust her a 100%.
She was shocked at how much I'd changed. She said I used to feisty, independent and intelligent.
Not anymore.
She agrees with my diagnosis 100% and she is willing to work through my issues with PTSD and dig into my past to discover why, but in a safe and secure environment.
She told me someone should be looking after my bank account and my savings. What savings?! I've spent them all since I fell ill. I have no money left.
She's also worried about my drinking, she worries I may be on the way to alcoholism. At 18yrs old. My god.
We have a lot to work through and I'm ready to try and improve my quality of life, even though I am very pessimistic.
We talked through how lonely I am. She wants me to consider joining the Chapter Foundation (UK). I don't know much about it but I'm willing to give it a go.
We talked about upping my meds and she believes that would be a good idea, so I need to talk to my psychiatrist about that.
The therapist is worried I'm taking on too much and thought I probably shouldn't have gotten a part time job. I'm not quitting it though, my mum needs the money.
It was very tough, I felt very numb and I still do.

Psychiatrist has cancelled on me.
I am mad. Actually I'm p!ssed off.
And then I'm annoyed at myself for being p!ssed off.
My first reaction to my psych cancelling was "Oh great, I'm being abandoned by my psych now!"
Then it was "how dare he be ill?! I need him! And he's ill?! How selfish!"
Which is pathetic. My psych is only human. But I guess I resent him for being human.
To me, he's solving all my problems by plying me with lots of lovely drugs that make me a nicer person.
So yes, it's irrational, but I'm cross that he's ill.
And I've decided I'm going to be a b!tch from hell next time I see him, just to punish him.
God I sound like a child don't I?
I feel like I have to get these feelings down super-quick so I analyse them.
I have to analyse my thoughts in order to understand how I work.
However, it just makes me more confused (which leads me on to my previous post, but I won't go there as I don't have much time).
My father is on the way to pick me up. Yay! I don't know why I put my energy into going to see him. I guess it's for the sake of my younger sister. I can make sure he doesn't ruin her life like he has mine.
Maybe I'll be a b!tch to him, just because my psych cancelled.
There both men anyway I'M JOKING! Before anyone jumps on the "poppyfields is a sexist woman with a problem with all males!" bandwagon.
However it is quite clear I have issues with males in my life abandoning me.
It's quite amazing how my mind works, first I was mad about my psych, now I'm mad at myself because I have issues with males?
I swear I didn't pre-plan this post. I'm just typing as my thoughts pop up. And I'm not deleting anything. Because you can't delete thoughts.
Anyway, I'm going to stay with my dad because I haven't seen my little sister in ages. Then tomorrow I have an appointment with my counsellor. Then he can take me shopping, if I manage to leave the car. Last time I tried to go shopping, I couldn't get out of the car. Fingers crossed tomorrow goes better than today.
My counsellor is a woman so I can't blame anything on her

I'm rather confused about my behaviour tonight.
I'm lonely and I want more friends but I pull away and build up walls when I think things are getting too much? What is wrong with me?! How can I complain I'm lonely when it's ultimately my fault?
Is it because I'm so afraid of people using me? They know my history and my problems, so maybe they'll use it to their advantage? Or is that my paranoia? In any case, I LET people use me. Maybe I like it. I don't know. What a strange thing, I like being used? No I don't think so. I just don't think I have the ability to see it.
At the end of the day, all I want is affection so maybe I'll take it in any form I can get it?
What does affection mean to me anyway? A few conversations, sex, a hug, someone listening to my problems? I don't know.
Why do I tend to have these problems with males?
Why am I always letting people in and then questioning my motives as to why?
I wouldn't ever hurt anyone intentionally but maybe it's worse that I don't know when I'm hurting others.
Maybe I've revealed too much to people and now they know everything. Maybe I'm too honest.
Are people who they seem to be?
Or am I who I seem to be?
Is anyone who they seem to be?
Can I trust anyone?
Can I trust myself?

Dear Poppyfields.
I'm mad at you tonight. I think your idiot and you should just shut the fuc% up because no one gives a sh!t what you have to say. Why bother posting on this forum?
You have been feeling suicidal for around 3 days now and trying to pull yourself together because it's the first weekend you have to work since you got this job. The job that was a totally stupid idea because deep down, you know your not capable of holding it down and doing your job. Your not capable of looking after yourself! Never mind working for a few hours!
You just need to get real and admit your going to spend the rest of your life, in your bedroom, feeling sorry for yourself.
I'm so sick of being around you, hearing you whinge about how sh!t you feel. GET THE FUC% OVER IT YOU STUPID B!TCH!
You should just quit your job, don't bother trying to pick your life up. Your going to be alone and miserable forever. Face facts and stop moaning about it. That's all you were ever going to be anyway. You were never going to have anything else in life.
Eventually you will get fed up and do what you should of done a long time a go and kill yourself.
Good night to you Poppyfields, heres hoping you won't wake up in the morning!