My little sister is 4 years younger than me. She has a wonderful life. Our mother is quite liberal and lets us do whatever we want, providing its within certain boundaries (no drinking under-age, no drugs, no sex under-age, be a nice person, don't lie/cheat/steal etc etc)
My sister has a very active lifestyle, just now I helped her pack for a night out with her friends. They are going to a battle of the bands. They were excited about going, with all of their friends.
I'm happy that my sister is happy and healthy and enjoys things in her life.
The problem is I'm the opposite. I'm not happy and healthy, nor do I enjoy life.
Until recently, I was just like her. Even more outgoing, I'd go to clubs with my friends, drink and spend time with my boyfriend. I had a job, I had money and I had my education (the most important thing to me) That all changed.
I can now go for weeks without my phone ringing and even when it does, it's either my mum, dad, sister or my doctors. I don't even both going on social networking sites because most of my so called friends have deleted me from not just their virtual online lives but their real life lives too. I have been deleted completely. Sometimes, I hear people thought I'd dead. They didn't even bother to see if I had died or not. I do think that if I had died, my funeral would be a very empty one.
It's hard seeing my sister be outgoing and have so many friends. I want that. I had that. I lost that.
How do I get over it? How to I even begin to come to terms with the fact that no one cares whether I'm alive or dead?
I'm 18 years old and I have no one in this world. I'm very very lonely.

... so I shall blog about it.
I had a weird dream. I always have weird dreams. In last night's dream, people were holding me down. I'm not sure why. But they were screaming mean things at me and hitting me. And my mum and dad just watched. It wasn't a nice dream but I've heard worse. I spent today in bed, in my pajamas (I have had a shower, I promise!) My mum left me a sausage roll, probably foreseeing it was going to be a bad day and knew I couldn't bring myself to make anything proper for lunch. My head is very cloudy today and I'm not making much sense. I'm also very irrational. I noticed we had no potatoes and for some reason, this really upset me. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried at the lack of potatoes. This is where my dog found me. She nudged my legs as if to say "Get up!" where she followed me to my room and stayed with me for a while, sleeping at my feet. I love my puppy. I then got upset that I couldn't muster the energy to play with her. I decided I'm a bad owner and the RSPCA were going to come and get me and take me to prison and I'd never see my puppy again. My sister took ages to come home from school and I decided it was because I'm a bad sister and she hates me. She's home now and she informed me she'd stayed behind in school to do her english homework. So now I feel like an idiot for getting p!ssy with her. I keep reading blogs about University students, just because I've decided to torment myself today about the life I should of had before BPD. Today I'm also pissed off I have "emerging" BPD. Wtf is that supposed to mean? BPD is a caterpillar waiting to emerge into a beautiful butterfly? So my BPD is just emerging. Could of fooled me, I feels like I have full blown BPD. With great big huge fuc%ing wings! I just wish it was bed time so I could take my evening meds and fall into a lovely Serquel-induced sleep.

You know you have BPD when you get upset at a sack of potatoes abandoning you.
Oh well, it isn't the first and it definitely won't be the last!

So I joined this forum a few hours a go. I posted a blog entry and I commented on a few forums. After reading the stories of others, it struck me how selfish I am. Others have it worse then me. I'm just some idiot that cannot cope with my life. I feel as though I should shut the Fuc% up and stop complaining. No wonder I'm alone and miserable and full of self hatred. Because I'm selfish and all I do is moan. I am very open, especially if people ask why I was in hospital or why I left school or why for some reason, they believed I was dead. However some people recoil in horror when they learn the truth. They say "Oh right.. I never would have guessed!" when they are secretly thinking "yeah, I knew you weren't normal. let's give it a few years before we speak again!" Or is that just my paranoia?

I think this website is amazing. I think the people on here are so courageous for talking about how they feel and the problems they are having. It's so refreshing. Many of you have this amazing way of expressing yourselves, so eloquent and honest. Most of the blogs and forums I have read have had a profound effect on me. Maybe I am the only one that feels this way, I don't know. But the words I have read matter, they mean something. But then again, I have just taken my evening meds so maybe thats why I'm feeling practically emotional! I don't trust my feelings or my thoughts or the voices in my head. They tell lies.

I feel like such a fraud for being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here's a little secret: I can't remember any traumatic events that have led to my illnesses. I have never been sexually abused. I have never been a victim of domestic abuse (apart from the odd push and shove from my moron ex). I have never witnessed a murder or seen anything horrific enough to warrant such a diagnosis. To me, the diagnosis itself is a traumatic event!

I wish I could express myself clearly and not sound like such a bratty child that is upset because nobody wants to play nicely with me. Poor me. I feel as though I am just offending people and sounding patronising and annoying. I sit here, trying to prove to myself just how selfish I am but counting all the times I use "I" in this blog.

I wish to apologise for my ramblings and any offence I have caused for this post. I'm so scared of my own thoughts and feelings, I feel as though I should apologise. So here it is: I'm sorry. For everything I've written in the last few hours. For this blog and for future blogs I may write.

It also occurs to me I am a narcissistic little b!tch for even thinking people may want to read this blog, therefore I am sorry for that too.

Around 6 months a go, I got "unwell" or as my family put it "a little bit down". I was in A&E a number of times. I had to leave college (huge deal for me as I love school!) A relationship of 4 years ended and I lost every single one of my friends. I couldn't go to University which has always been a life long dream. Eventually, I was diagnosed with "emerging" BPD with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which I don't agree with!) Depression and Anxiety! For my birthday I had around 90 people celebrate with me. Now I have no one to talk to, I have no social life and no one wishes to be around me. I realise I'm... difficult. I'm suicidal, I'm aggressive, I'm emotional. I've completely changed. I don't claim to be easy to be around. I can't help but think the loss of my friends is a reflection of my personality. I need to believe I'm a good person. I need people to love me. I feel very alone. Every time I get close to somebody, they leave. The medication and the therapy don't bring back my friends and loved ones. But I wish they would!

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my life.