Another daaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Well.......I dunno this weekend I...got so mad at my dad that I left my house and I smoked and then realized I should apologize because I really do value my relationship with my dad. So I called to apologize and he kept talking over me (he always talks over me, and I cant tell him how I truly feel its just awkward and I kno he'll tell my step-mom which is more awkward), anyways that's over with.

I just get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD when he talks over me, well when anyone does in an argument, but I get so f***ing mad soooo f***ing fast, like i get into like a pure fury where I shake and get soooooooooooooooooooo mad and then I cry...I cry because basically any emotion I have just goes to crying after. I get mad but have no outlet, so I cry.

Then on Sunday my family was over. It was nice...but you know you're depressed when like 20 of your beautiful, happy, nice, family members are over and you still have death in the back of your mind. It's sad really..im 22 and I think about death everyday and I basically hope I just die in my sleep.

Well then today I'm so f****ing mad again...like i am so mad, maybe I didnt sleep enough, or eat enough, but im so mad. anyone that talks too me just makes me even more mad like..STFU, I DIDNT TALK TO U FIRST?? SO DONT TALK TOO ME BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg im so mad. I have no reason to be besides that I hate my god damn job and my life and I probably didnt sleep or eat enough.

I just wanna go to bed...i miss university where I could take 2 hour naps everyday and sleep 10 hours a night too those were the good days. I just wish I could nap every damn day.

why am i so ungrateful? actually im not even ungrateful, I know I have so many things going for me, i just wish I never existed. maybe that should be my motto, i wish i never existed.

isn't that f***ed?? shouldnt my motto be "positive energy". all this negative energy i put out just makes me more negative, its not good, its like i keep feeding the fire. but ive been so sad and negative for so long that it's my default.

i wonder..can depression be cured or significantly decreased through just talk therapy and no drugs?

i dont know...i need to be more positive, it's almost like I dont like being happy. wtf is wrong with me.

I loveeee Friday the 13ths so yay!!!

Well yesterday I was ok and then I went to get my new glasses and had to try them on *sigh*....this made me sad because I had to look in the mirror and not a mirror that I'm familiar with. And of course my nose looked so crooked.

Im trying to be extremely realistic about this and I know that noone's perfect and at this point I dont even care that I have a bump on my nose..well I do but ....if only my nose were straight I could possibly deal with the bump on the bridge its just..my nose is sooooooo f***ing crooked like its so ugly. why me??? why did i get f***ed with such a ugly nose, it's in the middle of my face! there's no way I can hide it...except for under my glasses and sometimes I'm scared my glasses will make the bump bigger.

I even turned down laser eye surgery because I like to wear my glasses because it covers my nose. But then my glasses end up covering the only semi- nice feature on my face which are my eyes it makes me so sad. I'd never get a rhinoplasty though, I dont believe in unnecessary surgery. I just wish I could break my nose so I'd have to get plastic surgery.

I literally have one of the ugliest noses ive ever seen on a female in my entire life. And I wanna get my hair trimmed but I HATE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WHEN IM THERE. literally almost everytime i just wanna cry, and makep doesn't even make me look better.
I have the weirdest shaped face, small ass eyes that are like a #######5 blue/green weird colour and i swear theyre close together, a big ass pointy nose, weird small lips that look big sometimes and small other times, a weird ass chin, yellow fu**ing teeth.

and i was doing so well about not thinking about how i look..and now this. and im trying not to think about it today but now that im typing it I'm thinking about it again.

I swear I don't even look human and I hope i dont get depersonalization, I should probably stop talking about it before I do.

but u kno what? i have a beautiful mind......i really do...and I guess I'd rather be beautiful on the inside than on the outside

Hey,

So today..I feel ok...a bit hyper but ok. I do wish I had someone to talk to...that's probably one of the biggest things I miss about university was that I got free counselling. Not only that, but my counsellor literally saved my life. She helped me stop cutting, she'd answer my e-mails no matter what, she even called me once because she thought I was going to kill myself. I swear shes a big reason I'm not as sad as I was in 2008-2009. She even cancelled a bunch of appointments one day to bring me to the school doctor while the doctor assessed me.

I'll never forget the day I graduated and I received my degree...walked off the stage and who did I see? My counsellor. It was her day off and she parked illegally just to watch me graduate. I'm surprised I didn't cry...thinking about it makes me want to cry. It just made me so happy that she probably had hundreds of students who came to see her and she took the time to watch me graduate. She was more like a friend. And even when she was going through a very hard time (she took a lot of work off) she gave me her personal e-mail so she could still help me.

I'm so lucky to have met her. I should really e-mail her and see how she's doing...I'm so bad at keeping in touch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It sucks trying to find a new counsellor or whatever, I know none of them will come close to her...I wish I was rich and could just pay for her to live with me lol.

Besides that..I'm really hungry which im surprised hasnt turned me into a huge bitch yet. I'm really liking typing my feelings out, it helps more than writing it.

If anyone actually reads my blog and knows the term that I'm referring to in my last entry could u please let me know?

The term about "resilient child" or... it's "something child"

thanks

Hey,

So today I'm feeling actually ok. No extreme emotions...except when im entering this contest and I get an entry !!!!

Besides that..my IBS is killing me so I cant wait to get home but....ya. Oh ya thought I'd take note that on Saturday I thought of cutting myself, couldnt find my razor blade (i always hide it after I cut myself), so I didn't actually do it. I've only cut once this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I bet only once last year!!!!!!!!! 2008-2009 I was almost everyday for a few months, I'm really proud of myself.

I was thinking yesterday that even though my moods are like extremely unstable, I cant believe I'm not way worse off than I am...I've been through some f***ed up stuff.(lol or maybe my moods are really bad but I know how to handle it) I remember my first psychiatrist told me that I'm called a " ??" child...it's resilient or...some word along those lines, I cant remember. The only thing I'm scared of is something really bad happening and then I'll totally lose it. but whatever, I need to stop being anxious about the future.

That's it for today...