Well, the title says it all.

I'm having a huge will to ope up and write everything that is going on my mind. I'm feeling miserable, but mostly because of the trigger that made me go back to gamble, and not because of the gambling per say.

I'm feeling very very lonely right now. My girlfriend and I broke up just after the new years (what a way to start the year right?) and shortly after i resumed gambling. It was the way that i used as an escape.

I haven't told anyone about our break up, and that is tearing me apart. While I was playing, my mind was on a different level, but when i started to lose control... well you know what happens. You try to gain the losses, lose a bit more, then you recover to lose even more... until the time you say STOP! NO MORE!

So and without the problem of having to say to your loved one that you have succumbed to gambling again, i sat on my "corner" and bummm everything started to hit me:
- I'm alone. I've lost a large amount of money. I've wasted nearly a decade of my existence. I could be really really well in my life. I'm 35 and I have a quite good job and a satisfying salary. I think I'm good looking and never had big problems to find steady relationships. But yet I feel miserable!!
I can't stop feeling that I have wasted some much of everything! I feel like an idiot. I had really great opportunities in my life and I keep on wasting them.

Today I think I start looking for some counseling. I need to speak with someone. I used to have no problems to speak with my friends. I know i have really great ones that could really help me. But I because i know they love me, they would be really worried with me, and I don't want to troubled them.

Well, sorry about my lame post, but writing this out, and knowing that someone will read this, really helps me.

See ya