The title says it all...

Two days ago, I had one very vivid dream. I was in a very sketchy casino, had a 2 dollar coin in my pocket (I don't even know if a 2 usd coin exists) and for some reason, I was uerged to play those 2usd, the last I had.... and I won, I remember having the money delivered in a silver platter, packs of small bills (10 and 20usd) so it looked like I was a millionaire. Turns out it was 22 thousand USD, I than the pun... the connection to real life. 22thousand was the exact amount I had while I was winning earlier this year, money I had destined to pay another parcel of my house.

I woke up, and the feeling was overwhelming. I felt so so bad, for not having that money, for that dream to be indeed a dream. And after realizing that it was just a dream, waking up to the real brutal truth. I had wasted half of those 22k, before I could stop.

For the past days, I have been struggling very hard, not to be constantly thinking on that dream, and the money I lost.

I am again in a position where, I open the parachute meters away of being too late. I got better at this. Altough I am a compulsive gambler, only in two ocasions I remember getting into a position I really needed bailout (one in a very early stage of my compulsive game, and another one 3 years ago) - both paid quickly.

Lately I am listening all the time to a podcats of a former compulsive gambler. I really like hearing him, but I am not sure if listening to so much of it (and altough it is really good), if it doesn't make me think of gambling more than it should.

Every year, i set goals for myself. One is always a financial goal. Sad truth? I never meet the target. So this year I decided to set the bar, a few steps down. To allow myslef to spend in cool things, that make me happy, this because my gambling addiction never got me into serious debt (my current salary is more than all the credit limit I have for my credit cards combined), but it did avoid me to reach my goals, to have by now my house, to have a real look at a pllan for an early retirement plan, to make think again on having a relationship where I don't have to hide this addiction.

Fighting this is really hard. And I just want to get to the 100 days mark (that is a milestone that for me is very siginifcant for two reasons:

1- 100 days, means i have received at least 3 paychecks and if I was in debt, I will no longer be.
2 - 100 days, is already significant in terms of urges, and constant thinking of this problem.

I am on day 6... so buckle up.... turbulence ahead...