I feel a bit better today, though im mosly in a rollercoaster sort of mood. Some days i feel better and others i feel guilty and like everyone would hate me and want me dead if they knew. And the days im starting to feel a little better i get scared i might want to go back to reading pedophillic or incestuous hentai/fanfiction or that i might not regret it after all, even though ive been agonizing over it for months now.

Speaking of it ive been trying to get back into things like reading fanfiction or watching anime but i feel weird about it because even though im reading/watching normal things i keep overthinking "what if this is bad too? is it wrong reading about highschool characters having sex when im 18 and already out of highschool? do i like this character because they look/act like a child?" and it makes me feel a bit uneasy. My therapist said that i could bring the fanfictions and show them to her so she can see but honestly im too embarassed to explain all that internet/fanfiction/anime lore to my +30 year old psychologist.

I also got upset today reading a post on instagram saying that "all pedophilles should die, non offending or not". I did start sympathizing with non offending pedophilles after getting called one myself for liking that type of hentai and then after getting pocd over it, but i think ive always been a sympathetic person especially towards marginalized people so i think i would feel the same way even if none of this had happened.
I do feel it on a more personal level because i think people who think that way probably think theres no difference between someone whos attracted to real life children and someone who likes child-looking anime characters and someone who has pocd, so it feels like they would want me dead too and that upsets me. Still, i looked at the comments for once and there was a surprising number of people disagreeing and saying people who cant help their attraction should get help and arent to blame, as long as they dont harm any children of course. Sure, there were a lot of other people agreeing with the post and accusing those who disagreed of being pedophilles themselves but im still happy theres rational people left on the internet. Someone pointed out that he felt like people who said those things were just looking for excuses to be violent and wish death and mysery upon others with the excuse of their morals and i thought that was really smart.

I never know how to end these since i doubt anyone will read it and im basically writing it for myself but as always, i hope everone has a good day and is able to overcome whatever is bringing them down.

All pedophiles should DIE!!! Whether they do it or NOT!!!!

That's just hateful virtue signaling.

Yeah. It's easy to be a hateful, bullying bastard on the internet. I'd like to see them say that to someone's face, a foot away from them, in person. Especially if they looked like they could kick the virtue signaler's ass. Even if you were a pedophile (I don't think so) then I think someone who doesn't practice something that is socially unacceptable, can have my sympathy. My trust around the object of their attractions, maybe not. But sympathy, why not. I don't think that's unreasonable.

And you're 18... a teenager liking teenagers... I think we've had this conversation in forum. At your age, liking someone a few years younger than you is based on a purely artificial demarcation. Else why would some jurisdicitions have definitions on the age of consent, that vary according to the age of the other person involved? Because they realise an 18 year old having the hots for someone OMG two years younger! or three, or four... isn't an automatic perversion. There is not some magic change that occurs the second you turn 18 that makes that 15 year old suddenly a sick perversion. Might put them off limits legally, but it doesn't make you a perv as soon as you turn 18. My age, yeah, that might be a little pervy if that's what I was attracted to, in and of itself. But no, sweetie.. no... you're still a kid, even though you've had some privileges and obligations extended to you now.