So, i just came back from my therapy session and im still not sure about my therapist. The fact that i feel the need to write here immediately after i leave isnt a good sign.
Its not that i dont like her but I dont feel like shes helping and sometimes she makes me a bit uncomfortable. Maybe its my unrealistic standards for therapy again but i feel like there might be better therapists out there that can help me more.

For example, today she asked me to talk in detail about the kind of fanfiction or hentai with loli/shota i used to read??. Obviously im not hiding it since i openly talk having done it during our sessions and i torture myself about what i used to find sexually arousing 24/7 but im not about to describe those kinds of pornographic stories to her in person. And it made me feel kind of like in an interrogation, like why would it even matter describing them in detail if i already told her what they were about?. When i didnt describe them to her she just explained that it might help me get over it if i talk about it and i could just talk about it when im ready.
I dont think that would help at all, admitting that i looked up all and used to enjoy all of that messed up stuff may have helped me but i dont feel like i need to describe it in detail and now that she said it i feel like its something that i SHOULD do and im somehow neglecting my mental health or lying to my psychologist if i dont.
Honestly i dont know if this is her own morbid curiousity as a therapist or what, she seemed surprised and interested when i mentioned i saw them selling loli/shota hentai on a normal shop on the street in japan (i mentioned it bc i was trying to explain how normalized it was and why i didnt used to think it was wrong).

There were these other times too like when she referred to loli/shota porn as "child porn" or when she asked me if i "no longer felt the need to strip in front of children".
Im not excusing any of the stuff i did but I dont think you should call it child porn when youre dealing with someone with pocd. And yes, its very wrong but i dont think it can be compared to real child porn at all. And asking me that like stripping in front of children was some kind of hobby of mine instead of two instances as a teenager (where i didnt even get to do it), especially when she saw how guilty i felt about it... I dont know, she just seems a bit tactless sometimes. Or maybe im too sensitive.

She has tried to help sometimes and given me some sort of good advice and i appreciate her talking to me on the phone when my anxiety was at its worst but i still feel like at least trying with another therapist and seeing if i like her better might help.

Anyways, work left me tired and in a bad mood but i hope everyone is doing well.