Ever since i realize all of that fictional stuff i had been reading was wrong and i remembered all of the other bad things id done and started questioning whether i was a good person or whether i deserved forgiveness ive been having a bit of an identity crisis.

Like ive mentioned before its been hard for me to get back into reading sexual stuff without feeling guilty, i question every sexual thing i consume, wondering if its actually problematic or something i shouldnt be seeing. I thought id just cut all fictional sexual stuff involving children and that was it but its a lot harder than that. Now things i wouldnt consider bad but maybe a bit weird make me feel ashamed too.

Right now, what i think about the most is whether incest in fiction is wrong. I can see why stuff like parent/kid thing is wrong, but when it comes to sibiling incest between adults i feel like the appeal is more that its a forbidden romance and something taboo. Its such a common fetish you even see it in movies or regular romance novels that pull the "we're actually long lost sibilings!" cliché. As of now, i swore to myself id never read anything with sexualized kids ever again and im satisfied with that. But the fact that im not yet willing to swear to myself that ill stay away from reading anything incest related makes me feel guilty, like im not willing to truly change and become a good person. And i really, trully, am willing to change. But i cant lie to myself and i cant just say something is wrong because others think it is. If someone actually explained to me why incest in fiction is considered wrong and why i should never read about it again and i found it convincing i would 100 percent swear to stay off of it. But as of right now i feel like the guilt only originates from the fact that i know other people consider it wrong and theyd judge me for not thinking that way. And i cant just let guilt completely strip me away from my opinions and just repeat what everyone else says in fear of being judged.
For example, i know the majority of people look down on ddlg. But i dont think theres anything wrong with it and i probably never will. I cant just force myself to hate it because i want others to view me as a good person.

This is so stupid because i dont even want to look up incest stuff right now. I dont even know if ill ever want to again!. And maybe the answer will come to me naturally with time, but i feel like if i dont make a decision now its like im not willing to change for the better or whatever.

Another thing thats been bugging me is that i decided to stop sexualizing teenage characters because im 18 now and people say thats wrong so i started feeling guilty. That meant dropping a whole lot of interests i used to have when i was a teenager that would now make me feel uncomfortable because youre supposed to find the characters attractive and i dont want to sexualize them.
But then ill see people on the internet sexualizing teenage characters when they're over 20 and i sort of feel like maybe im being stupid because theyre just cartoons? even my psychologist said it wasnt wrong. I mean, i dont really regret my decision to stop sexualizing teenage characters since it makes me feel more at ease. Plus, i think considering my past with having sexualized child character before maybe i dont deserve to like teenage characters anymore and i should just stick to the +18 ones just in case. But teenage characters ARE the majority when it comes to anime or dating sims. So it feels like i cant enjoy those types of things anymore.

I dont really want to talk to my therapist about this, which only makes me feel more guilty because it feels like im somehow lying by omission. She says i look better lately, more at ease but my head is still clouded by all of these meaningless thoughts that somehow mean so much to me.

I wish i could have some kind of judge of whats right and whats wrong and what i should do and what i shouldnt. Im willing to do anything to be a good person and to not do anything wrong but i just cant trust my own judgement when its so clouded.

I think you should be open to your therapist about what bothers you. And if they're really, really good, I'm willing to guess that they already know you're holding back on some things.

Unless you have a paraphilia, I do think you're over thinking this. A little fictional genre kink isn't the apocalypse, sweetie, so long as you're not looking at something legally considered CP.

As for the incest, it's a pretty common fetish, I think, and I don't think it's worth beating yourself up over. I have a nice little incest fetish going on and it's never really caused me any concern, I know what's real life appropriate behaviour, and what's not. It's just a kink.

Speaking of kinks and fetish, and paraphilias, this might be an appropriate time to remind you that those subjects, in and of themselves as main topics, are off limits, in PF. I know a lot of your problem seems to be OCD in nature, and that you're obsessing over what you should like, and think, and fantasize about. This has all been sort of a borderline category- I mean, the reason we do allow talk about things like pedophile-related OCD fears, is because chances are, no one who's ever posted about POCD, is a real pedo/hebe/ephebophile. I know that you're ruminating. But it does run the risk of straying into a general discussion on fetish and paraphilias. And that we'd have to disapprove. Since the closing of the Paraphilas forum, such things can't be subjects of discussion, in and of themselves, anywhere on PF.

[quote="Snaga"]I think you should be open to your therapist about what bothers you. And if they're really, really good, I'm willing to guess that they already know you're holding back on some things.

Unless you have a paraphilia, I do think you're over thinking this. A little fictional genre kink isn't the apocalypse, sweetie, so long as you're not looking at something legally considered CP.

As for the incest, it's a pretty common fetish, I think, and I don't think it's worth beating yourself up over. I have a nice little incest fetish going on and it's never really caused me any concern, I know what's real life appropriate behaviour, and what's not. It's just a kink.

Speaking of kinks and fetish, and paraphilias, this might be an appropriate time to remind you that those subjects, in and of themselves as main topics, are off limits, in PF. I know a lot of your problem seems to be OCD in nature, and that you're obsessing over what you should like, and think, and fantasize about. This has all been sort of a borderline category- I mean, the reason we do allow talk about things like pedophile-related OCD fears, is because chances are, no one who's ever posted about POCD, is a real pedo/hebe/ephebophile. I know that you're ruminating. But it does run the risk of straying into a general discussion on fetish and paraphilias. And that we'd have to disapprove. Since the closing of the Paraphilas forum, such things can't be subjects of discussion, in and of themselves, anywhere on PF.[/quote]

As always, thank you for leaving a comment, it means a lot to me. I know i should probably talk about these kinds of things with my therapist but since theyre uncomfortable topics it takes a lot to actually talk about these kinds of things in person and she never really helps. I dont think she notices anythings going on at all, she even said i looked so much better to her and she never brought up the whole guilt/anxiety attacks/pocd thing i had going on the first few sessions again so idk. I dont think she really cares and maybe i should change therapists but it seems to much trouble since i might even move out next year and ill have to get a new one anyways.

And sorry if i wrote something i shouldnt have, i had no idea. The whole "i wish someone could give me their insight on why these things are wrong" was more hypothetical than anything, i didnt mean to start any discussion on paraphilias or anything. But should i not write about my worries and doubts when it comes to fictional incest or underage characters anymore? Because i worry about that a lot lately and writing about it here always made me feel better, plus ive been writing about these types of things pretty much since i joined so i didnt think there was a problem with it... But if there is, im sorry and i can just write somewhere else.

I think, as long as it's clear they're unreasonable worries, they remain related to your anxiety issues. And are okay. As long as they don't become a focus, in and of themselves. It's just something to keep in mind and don't stray too far into the subjects as a main topic.