Everything is still doing well! though i still feel guilty at times but i just have to keep reminding myself that people arent just their mistakes and im not just "a person who did this and that" and that theres a huge difference between doing something bad and not caring about it it and doing something bad and regretting it.

Getting back into reading romantic/sexual fanfiction or comics is still kind of difficult. I already decided i wont be going back to reading stuff with teenagers and i know people still consider ageing up characters as wrong and i guess i can see it? though a part of me thinks its kind of ridiculous to put all of these moral rules to cartoon characters but i dont want to feel guilty again or do anything bad so im willing to quit all of that. And i also know i probably still see some things as a stretch because, while im legally an adult, i was in higschool up until last year and i guess im used to older people sexualizing teens. i only recently started seeing people saying its wrong and realizing it myself.
But even then i still find myself questioning if everything i read is problematic now. Like, for example, i read a sexual-themed comic with adult characters but it had some dub-con in it, something that many nsfw comics or fanfics have. Of course, in real life, i know that dub-con is rape. But in fiction, characters often play that whole "youre saying no but your body is saying yes" thing. I mean, the whole reason safe words are a thing is because couples like to roleplay with noncon. I never thought of this as weird or wrong because i always knew it was just fictional and its mainly used with characters that are in denial of what they want but now this whole obsessing over what can be considered wrong in sexual/romantic scenarios is making me feel a little guilty no matter what i read. It makes me feel like my previous mindset of "everything fictional is ok because its not real" was easier, even though id never go back to it and i know its not right.


Theres also this one romance game ive been wanting to play for a while. The characters dont have ages because its one of those plots with non-human characters (most otomes are weird like that) but two of the characters enroll in highschool to be close to the protagonist and now im wondering if it would be weird to play it even though they technically dont have ages and theres no sexual content on the game either... I dont really think its weird but idk. I still wouldnt want to do anything that would make me feel guilty.

I almost feel like i need someone else to approve any sexual/romantic content i consume beforehand just so i can make sure im not doing anything that can be considered bad again. I dont want to do anything i might regret later on. I guess i feel sort of trapped because fanfiction or comics make me feel guilty but so does irl porn (plus i dont really like it) and i know many people consider irl porn problematic too and many (including my best friend) say its rape. Its not like i cant live without any pornographic/erotic content but im not asexual and theres times where ill crave that kind of stuff.

Anyways, despite me rambling about this im really glad im still doing well and this leftover feeling of guilt and overthinking about any sexual content i consume are my only problems now. Nothing i cant handle and nothing compared to how bad i felt before. Everything else is going pretty well and im glad. I think im ready to make some major changes and im excited about that.

Hope everyone has a great day!