When I see myself,
I don’t see a person worth looking at.
No one worth existing.

Please,
Don’t tell me lies
That would say otherwise.
For notable,
I am not.

If I could see something
Worthwhile
In me,
It would’ve appeared by now.
Why would it choose to stay in hiding?

No change
Has come from my birth.
From my being,
All is the same.

Start saying I am
A Human not worthy of life.
That way,
I don’t have to tell myself
The same.

Every day,
I strived to achieve perfection.
Every day,
I wanted to earn your affection.
Every day,
I tried harder just for you.
Every day.
But there was something I knew.
I would never be good enough.

I look back,
And see you look only at anyone but me.
I look back,
My beauty I wanted you to see.
I look back,
Hoping your love would be unconditional.
I look back,
And see that’s not rational.
Mommy, am I perfect now?

Now I see,
She will never change.
Now I see,
Her empty words will stay the same.
Now I feel
Empty knowing she didn’t care.
Now I know
When I really need her, she won’t be there.
Why can’t you except me as not perfect?

Mommy, you don’t get that the wound you left me will never heal.
You will never understand how you’ve made me feel.

Ugly.
Unloved.
Imperfect.

Are looking better. I haven't cut in a few days, and I haven't purged in a week and a half. Writing poetry for my schools literary magazine really helped.... But I don't want to jinx myself. Things are going great when it comes to impulse, but I don't know how long that will last.

I have a small crush on this guy though... And he's part of the literary arts magazine. I don't know if I should call it a crush though, maybe small moment of infatuation. But still. We emailed back and forth about a poem I was going to submit, and although it probably meant nothing in one of the emails, it made me blush a little. Hum.

It took her 3 months and 4 days for her to get up and message me on anything. Ugh.

Hello School. I can see you from my window, I can't just wait to be confined inside of you for the next 6 1/2 hours. Tempting to bring along my soda can top, maybe during lunch release the melancholy feelings that will build up. Get it all out before science so nobody notices.

Dreading having to face Zack, Ethan, Rachel, Amanda.... everybody.

Ethan said the next time we go into the tunnels (basically a sewer system) he's bringing a flashlight. All I know is that I'm terrified of the dark, and if the thing goes out... I don't know if I could move : /