Well, my dad just left for mexico yesterday... and when I got home from schoo and started eating spaghetti, I wondered if I should... purge again. Just for no reason really. Just to *do* it, y'know? Well... That guy, David... Still small crush, yeah. I want to keep it there since he's um.. a senior, but... Bleh. He drove me home on friday and it's just all embarrassing now... I don't know what to do!!! AAGGRGRGRGHHHH!!!!!!

Act on your own impulse,

To quiet the demons that toy with your mind.

Release the dark delusions that cloud the will,

Be free to make your choice for once in your life.

Oh the irony,

For something so disturbed is gracious to the heart.

Bringing silence to the pain inside that resounds,

Practically a gift from the devil himself.

Yet the regret that comes with giving in,

Makes the hurt once again unbearable.

The sickening experience

of self-loathing to come.

However when you live to feed the aching of

Loneliness,

Imperfection,

Hate,

Sorrow,

Acting on every sin is almost worth the rebounding remorse.



Almost.

...I found a razor. Kinda old, kinda rusty, but still... usable. Before I found it, I was washing dishes and when I finished washing one of the cutting knives... Hell, my breath quickened and I got all... tense. I found the razor, and just... Impulsive feelings came over to me. I didn't cut (Yet?) which Im happy about but...

I'm becoming so confused... Matt's talking to me now? What the heck is going on here!? He's never spoken to me once in the past 2 years I've known him... But now in the past month, he's actually talking to me and wishing me to have Happy Holiday? I'm going to be utterly in shock if he remembers my birthday though (several months from now, but still) I'm so confused... What's with the change of heart?

Oh the brighter side, I think I've started kicking my habits gone. Haven't purged or cut or even binged in a while. I just hope I don't relapse.

I think I'm starting to figure out who I am. The problem being... I'm not used to people seeing that side of me. Probably why I'm having such a music block right now...

I feel like such a.... not a brat... but an attention whore I guess. I write poems that are felt from the heart... yet I wonder if I'm also writing them for a chance to be seen from a different angle. I don't know. I'm still confused.