Today wasn't too eventful when compared to Friday, but it was still kinda eventful.

So, math was normal.

When I got out of math, I went to my 4th floor to secure a seat. Lucky me, I found a seat. I began reading a passage I had to read for the lit class that would follow.

As I was reading, that-girl-who-I-kinda-like-or-something approached me. It was every bit as awkward as you would expect it to be, and then some. Naturally, I was scared out of my mind. Be warned that I am probably over-thinking this.

So, she comes up to the table I was sitting at, and asked me something about the math we had done in calculus. Actually, she started by asking me what my name is... fair enough. That is perfectly acceptable... except I am pretty sure she has called me by my name before... not positive, but whatever. Maybe I am mistaken. She said she was horrible with names, so maybe she forgot. Based on what I have observed at this school, asking for someone's name is a sign of being polite/friendly to them. I suspect that she did know my name, but didn't know how to start the conversation. After all, I would suspect that I am not too approachable and that I appear cold, and I probably would have approached myself in the same way.

So, then she asked me if I understood what we had done in calc last class period. It was a kinda complex topic (word problems), so I kinda understood it, but not to the level that I would say "yeah, I understand it", so I really stumbled over my words here, but what came out roughly resembled "kinda, but I don't really know if I do yet". Then I said something about how it reminds me of physics, and she agreed. Then she said something about how she had physics in 11th grade, but it didn't teach much, and I smiled and agreed. By this time, I was out of it from the anxiety, like that feeling where you are just zoned out and can't even think. She agreed back and walked back to the table she was sitting at.

The problem is, I am having trouble inferring exactly what the context is from these situations, and my mind is tending to interpret them as evidence of her liking me, but as I know from past experience, that tends to happen when I feel this way about someone. I can't even evaluate the memories correctly because it is possible that I am selectively recalling them for hints that she would like me. And I am fully aware of the fact that, even though it is likely that my data and perception are skewed, I will continue to interpret that these are signs of her liking me, and I will eventually be in the same position I am always in.

I don't understand why she would walk over to the table simply to ask me if I understand the math stuff. I cognitively know that the rational answer to "Why did she approach me?" is "She did not understand the math, thought I may understand it, and wanted to ask me, but backed down from asking about it when she realized I didn't know it". I know that is the answer, but I feel like it is possible that she was trying to approach me in a friend/relationship way, and I feel like, even though I think I know the objective answer is only to do with math, that I am trying to think the objective answer is only about math in order to not think highly of myself, and that I am fearing that I would be wrong in accepting that she could like me or feeling slightly ashamed by thinking that she could like me objectively, so I am compartmentalizing the thought to a place where I can safety think it, but not feel like I am being arrogant by thinking she could like me.

But, let's just assume that she does like me. Let's assume that she favors me romantically.

Okay, but would it be right for me to act, or even to reciprocate if she acts. Maybe not.

There are several concerns.

The first is the one that is always with this sort of problem. Eventually, we will most likely break up. I find it very hard to accept that it would be a good thing for us to go out if it will end badly. I know that I shouldn't think like this, but I feel like "If I stop it from getting any farther, I can contain any damage already done, and small pain of rejection will be less than the inevitable pain that would follow, and if I let the inevitable pain follow, then I will have hurt both of us a lot. By taking the punishment now, I can provide a better long term future."

But that is wrong. It is based on the assumption that I somehow know best, or even that the relationship would have to end with harm, and it ignores the fact that benefit could outweigh harm. In my mind, harm must be prevented or reduced AT ALL COSTS, even if that means cutting out pleasure.

The second is: there are inherent interest conflicts, and she doesn't know about them. I don't believe in any religion. She obviously does, everyone around me does. She doesn't know that I don't believe in a god. She also doesn't know how crazy I am. She has no idea that I am analyzing every single part of the situation. She doesn't know I am obsessed with nootropics and that I take pills every day to help me think, and that I like the thought of trying new drugs like them as an adventure of improvement. She would certainly think I am crazy then (or a druggie, but they are beneficial drugs... but that just sounds crazy). Is it really fair to accept the relationship while she is ignorant to these things, but I know about them? It feels like a secret or something, like I am tricking her. But you are not supposed to just come out and say "I am crazy and don't believe in god" as soon as meet someone, so what do I do? What seems ethical is against social codes. I feel like I am almost forced to unintentionally 'hook' her, and then reveal the crazy when she is at a stage of impaired judgement (because if you get that far into the relationship, you are going to have some bias for one another).

Again, though, I am assuming that I know more than I do. Who am I to say that we 'shouldn't' like each other? Isn't it her choice too, and does she have similar aspects? Am underestimating the problems of others?

The thing is, normal people don't think like this, and thinking like this is a major component of what caused the horrible prom incident. The choice is rather I think like this again. It obviously caused a lot of harm in the past. If I repeat it, I will, again, be doing what seems 'safest', but is is best? Probably not. Definitely not if you compare it to the previous situation.

One other thing is that it would destroy all escape fantasies. I can't escape if it hurts someone I care about that much. I would not be able to abandon a girlfriend. I have considered thinking of the relationship as being "practice," as one friend of mine said, but it feels like that would be dishonest and scummy. I doubt I could even actually do that, but if I could, it would be so wrong, I would feel more regret from doing that than I would from declining altogether. The thought of being bound to someone long-term seems extremely frightening considering my instability. But, then I am actually NOT being bound long-term by accepting a relationship, am I? It is not like, by accepting to go on a date, I would be proposing. I think I am failing to distinguish in this matter. In a way, too, I feel like any relationship without the intent for being with them forever is a farce. An important questions is: Should I think like that? In most cases, I would think so, but then am I just trying to limit harm? Actually, should I consider it at all before I get there? Shouldn't I try to do it "in the moment" or on an impulse like most people do? Am I supposed to think this much into it?

So, besides that confusion, the day was pretty much normal. My lab partner and I were going to do lab report, but it isn't due until next week, so it is fine for now. We called it off.

"I don't believe in any religion. She obviously does, everyone around me does."

Without evidence to the contrary, she will be assuming you also believe. You can't know her position until you've talked to her about it. Likewise with nootropic drugs. Yes /most/ people will think it's odd, but the few who know what that even means, or are interested in hacking their own brain, are exactly the ones who could be good romantic matches.

There's a logical contradiction in avoiding a relationship both because it WILL end and because you can't escape when it WON'T end. And having been through the end of several relationships myself, I would say that it's not only masochists who can derive some positive benefit from that "pain". I wouldn't rush out to get hurt, but neither is it a zero-sum experience in my view.

"Without evidence to the contrary, she will be assuming you also believe. You can't know her position until you've talked to her about it."

The first part is true. There are very few people who know I am not religious, and I feel like it keeps me safe that most people don't know.

While it is true that I cannot know what her reaction will be until I talk to her, I do know that she is christian. She talked about a christian concert event in class about a week ago, saying that she had seen another person in the class while at it, so I assume that she is fairly religious, As is the rest of the class. The conversation in which this happened consisted of most of the class was talking about what church/christian events they went to.

"Likewise with nootropic drugs. Yes /most/ people will think it's odd, but the few who know what that even means, or are interested in hacking their own brain, are exactly the ones who could be good romantic matches."

That is a very good point. I just fear that the probability of me and them meeting and being sufficiently compatible in enough other ways is too low, although I guess it would only be a subset of other good matches, since almost all other compatible traits would probably be prerequisites or strongly correlated.

The fact of the matter is that, when I like someone, it is not due to 'how good of a match' they will be, but more of a feeling type of thing. I assume that this will change some as I get older, but I fear that the requirement for it to change will be being in relationships. I guess that further supports your ending claim about the relationship being beneficial in the pain of it.

"There's a logical contradiction in avoiding a relationship both because it WILL end and because you can't escape when it WON'T end. And having been through the end of several relationships myself, I would say that it's not only masochists who can derive some positive benefit from that "pain". I wouldn't rush out to get hurt, but neither is it a zero-sum experience in my view."

Wow. Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't notice that, and it is really a big contradiction. I think the fear is that I will become attached, and that must either result in inability to escape or a "painful" end. The problem may be that I don't like either result, but I like the concept of being in a relationship (relationship kind of stuff, like having someone close to you). Still, seeing it as a contradiction, they cancel the certainty of each other in a way.

As for benefit from pain, I think I can see what you are saying. It seems like a huge opportunity for personal growth. Still, the concept of it is scary.

I've got lot to think about here, I guess. Thanks for the comment.

Hmm, it is hard to tell if she likes you, or if she was just being friendly. I had a similar situation at work recently where a co-worker was being really friendly (calling me to see if I was okay, asking me about my interests). I really wanted him to like me because I crave a romantic relationship, but I really didn't want him to like me because dating anyone from work would be a mess. My solution was basically to observe how he interacted with other co-workers. When I saw him interacting with others the same way he interacted with me, it basically told me that he is just trying to be nice, and isn't into me in particular.