I don't think I will ever understand myself, I might as well just stop trying and go with it.

It is actually getting to a point now where NOT talking to her is more anxiety provoking, and it is extremely relaxing to talk to her.

How does my brain do that maneuver? That's a lot of neurogenesis that has to be going on (thanks piracetam ).

Anyway, I ballzed up and just texted her about 12:00. Like I said, it is actually easier for me to just talk to her than to avoid it now. Still difficult for me to talk to everyone else, but I guess she is annexed into my safe-zone or something. I don't know, and who does?

Anyway, I was kinda worried that it isn't actually her, but somebody new with the old phone number because maybe she changed her number when she got a new phone, but that is kinda a silly worry, I think. I mean, what are the chances that someone would go along with it? And that if even if she had actually changed her number, which she probably didn't because she hasn't in the past when getting a new phone, and she kept the same provider (the only one that works where we live, ha ha).

I wouldn't say that it is 100% certain that it is her, but probably 98% or 99%, and I am happy that I can settle for that percentage, ha ha.

Anyway, she always texts like a girl texts and it is confusing. So many expressive types of things, it is confusing. I really just want to see her in person so that I can (kinda) judge the situation. It is funny how, when you aren't terrified of talking to someone, you would rather talk to them in person than by writing.

The gap between each message kills me, especially with such uncertainty. Still, having realistic hope is one of the best feelings. Still, it is difficult to fully imagine us actually dating. It is difficult to imagine that I would be dating. I don't know, I just feel like it would be absurd somehow. Maybe soon I will have the chance to change my vote on the dating poll to "currently in a relationship"

I keep thinking that the time between messages means that she doesn't like me. But the tone of the messages are overwhelmingly positive. I don't know. Just so tough to interpret. I am trying to not think about it. If this is the only good time I will get, I don't want to ruin it with worrying.

I have no idea why I suddenly find it easy to take up this "now or never" attitude and just talk to her. I think I have come to the conclusion that in the first few weeks following when I start taking the racetams after a break from them, I have a really almost hypomanic episode. It happened the other time I took a break as well.

I am feeling a bit dulled in a strange way, similar to last summer's. I think it may be significant that, when I am in a down mood, my thoughts seem more clear and deeper. I guess they are more flowing when I am down, and more sharp when I am in a good mood.

In school, I have felt a bit more distracted. Of course, that makes sense, with me constantly waiting for the next message. It seems like she is the only thing I can concentrate on. It is kinda annoying since there is such a lack of stimuli.



So, back to the real world. Despite the fact that so far, I have only been writing about the girl, these have, in fact, been my first two days back at college.

Time for the abridged version while I can concentrate on it.

My first class of the day is Interpersonal Communications. I really, really like the idea of it. It is actually about how to have and keep good relationships with friends, spouses, etc. I didn't even know they had a formal theory for this. The thought makes me giddy. I wish I would have taken this class first semester. I could have been using the skills right now to talk to the girl!!!

Then is statistics, which is okay. I wish it was calc-based, but it will have to do. I don't know, I think I might would need a 2nd semester of calc, anyway. It is taught by an Indian guy with a pretty heavy accent. It is fine because I can understand him with some effort, but it is kinda amusing because a lot of the class was asking everyone what he was saying. I kinda feel sorry for the professor. He kept saying that he would do his best to clarify anything if we didn't understand him, but I think most of the people didn't understand what he was saying, ironically. He seems like a nice guy. I would imagine it is embarrassing to be standing there and everyone is asking what he was saying to other people, and he was trying to go back over some stuff that he had said. It seems like you would feel so powerless to want to help people, but they can't even understand that you want to help. I don't think the class should be too difficult. I think most people will get used to his accent after a few days.

Then Chem2. Of course, it is the same teacher as chem 1, so it good. A few new things, though. One thing, a girl who I had a crush on in middle school, which resulted in a bit of an unpleasant experience of having rumor[s] spread about me (I have mentioned this before), is now in the class. It is just really awkward. Even though I don't like her anymore, there is still all of that unpleasant association in my mind from the events and the fact that it was the main event that caused a large portion of my social anxiety.

This second part requires some explanation. The guy who sat behind me in calc is *kinda-sorta* my friend/acquaintance. I kinda bad-mouthed him in another post, but it turns out that he is actually friends with the other guy. I don't know what set me off that day that I was mad at him for laughing at the guy, but it only happened a few times, and I have a feeling that it was mostly provoked by his other friend who was sitting behind him, who seems to be a jerk. ANYWAY, he is always cool at me and stuff, talks to me even though I mainly just nod, ha ha, super nice guy under most circumstances. Anyway, he is in the Hchem class now as well. Well, in chem class, I set in the same place as I sat in Calc (the rooms are from the same template and are even rotated the same way). He came in and sat behind me, same as in calc, started talking to me like it was no big deal. Now that I think of it, his voice and word choice sound very similar to a music artist I have recently taken a liking to in the past 4 or so months. Anyway, kinda made me feel flattered that he would sit by me and talk to me when there are so many other people in the class who I know he knows.

Ethics was kinda meh. It looks like it is pretty much just going to be about what is moral. Morality is not a particularly interesting topic to me. I prefer not to think in societal moralistic terms. To me, how I feel about something determines rather it is moral for me or not, so I don't really have much opinion about the death penalty. If someone killed someone I care about, yeah, I guess I would support it. But if someone I cared about was accused of killing someone, I wouldn't support it. I don't like the idea that one of them is correct. I think you should do whatever you need to to make sure that you and those you care about are in the best condition, and that is it. Maybe it wouldn't work if all of society did it, but they can come up with their own system because I am going by mine. Oh well, I guess I understand the importance of the topic.

Visual basic class is pretty chill. Since it is just learning a 2ndary programming language and IDE, it isn't too much to take in, and it is mostly based on individual experimentation.

My Tuesday class, I don't even have to go to except for for tests. It is mostly online, just the 2nd part of the Java class from 1st semester.