=====Nootropics=========
A few days ago, I got my pills made again (I have to fill capsules with my nootropics because I buy in bulk, but I have been lazy and been out of them since the day after finals)

I suspect that not having any of them was at least partially to blame for my bad mood the past week or so. Still, they don't make a drastic difference. Honestly, if I wasn't looking for the effects, I doubt I would really notice them. Mostly, I have found, it just kinda helps with mood and makes it easier to read/write. A few other general benefits, but nothing extra-special. I am thinking about playing around with dosage, trying to get to a more effective dose, but I really don't want to spend the money on it, and the improvements aren't in major areas, which makes it almost not worth it to take them at such an expense dosage (talking like $50 per month) when I am just maintaining good mood (mostly it seems like it lessens the getting stuck in bad states like has happened the last few times I have posted. It seems to make them less frequent and easier to get out of) while, if I could just fix the root problem, I wouldn't have much need to do that.

I was looking at some stuff, unscheduled perscription meds. Nothing too extreme. I figure it will be interesting to try out, at the very least. Two are selective MAO-B inhibitors (decreases the breakdown of dopamine into metabolates) each with different metabolates of their own which creates different effects, and one, naltrexone (that I will dilute to a low dose), which is an opoid ANTagonist to be taken before sleeping.

I am kinda skeptical of the naltrexone. In general usage, it is used to treat opiate addiction by decreasing pleasure gained by taking the opioids. However, there is a theory that taking it before sleeping could make opioid receptors more sensitive by causing them to upregulate while you sleep. So, in the day time, in theory, things should be more enjoyable. There are also a lot of almost blatently BS claims about it, though, that are so contrived they make me leery of other claims for it. There is also the fact that I would be messing with opioid receptors which honestly really scares me. Still, I am hoping it will help with overall skin feelings and allergy-type problems that I can't really solve unless I take NSAIDs every day (dangerous and I don't do it). Since the LDN is so cheap, I figure it is worth a try. Not a huge issue, but it would be nice.

The MAO-Bs are interesting. Unlike MAO-As or general MAO-Is, Bs don't cause all the nasty side effects. This would obviously be the strongest drug I have tried, but it is still, by far, the softest way to influence dopamine (and unlike AMPH or Ritalin, it actually lengthens life span). I am curious to how increased dopamine would affect me.

There is a theory that I have seen here and there that AvPD may be related to low dopamine levels. There is one study showing that the TAQ-A1(a gene that influences either dopamine synthesis or transport) allele is associated with AvPD-Schizoid behavior, but along with a slew of other things. Then, there is the association of low D2 activity with Social anxeity (but I don't know if this is cause of effect. Since it is activity, it seems like it could very likely just be due to a problem at an earlier stage) Also, it would follow that, since dopamine increases motivation and extraversion, it may be helpful with AvPD.

I don't know. Both of these are fairly safe drugs that don't have a high danger profile and are rated as having low potential for abuse (but so are benzos, so that can't really be trusted). It will be interesting to try since both of these mechanism are mostly unaffected by anything I have tried. Most things have just affected glutamate and choline.

Just as long as I am careful not to cause addiction or damage, I figure I will be fine.

=========================

=====Christmas============

Christmas was pretty good.

It is normally a pretty chill holiday around my house. We do the present thing in the morning and then go eat with my grandparents for lunch without the rest of the extended family. My grandparents are my favorite part of my family, so I always enjoy that.

For Christmas, I got a kindle, just what I wanted (and I would hope so, because we just go on amazon and put our gifts in the shopping cart for parents to buy, ha ha)

Anyway, it is a neat device and really useful. So far, I have only read one book, but it is SO much easier to read off the kindle than a normal screen. It really does make a lot of difference for the sustained kind of reading that is required for books.

The book I read was "No Longer Human", a really good book. It wasn't what I was expecting, though. I was thinking it would be something like AvPD related. Really, it was more like secret-schizoid but not strongly in any specific category. I liked the writing style, even though I feel like I need to read it in the original language to really feel the style (but I don't know Japanese, so oh well). The tone is very dry, and I like it. There are some parts that are mildly amusing, but, even through the translation, you can feel the author's depression and isolation. If nothing else, it is a good book for perspective. I don't want to go into too many details and spoil it, but I would recommend it as a quick read if you like psychology type stuff.

Now, I am debating between two books: Dune and Neomancer. I need to just choose one and start reading. I am leaning towards Dune at the moment, probably will start it sometime tonight. Both are supposedly great books and I want to read both eventually.

===========================

======Normal blog stuff=======

Today, I had to go to my step-dad's boss' house and fix her Wifi (or, really, get her TV connected to her internet).

It went okay. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to really solve the problem how we wanted to solve it. It wouldn't pick up the wifi, even manually entering all the setting. It didn't give any reasons or error codes which was less than useful.

Still, we ended up just bringing the router into the room and hooking it to the TV through Ethernet. That was really all I knew to do, and it is what everyone on forums said to do, so I guess it is good enough. I wouldn't have felt so bad if she hadn't given me money for it (seriously, I couldn't solve the original problem, but my step-dad said to just take the money because disputing it would be no use. The woman is really nice.)

She is a family friend, so I guess it is kinda okay. Still, I would rather have not taken the money.

Anyway, the woman was really nice.

What I am about to talk about kinda bothers me that I am talking about it, but that is what this blog is here for, right? I don't really know how to word it correctly. It will come across as awkward/crude maybe.

Anyway, she has a daughter, apparently, my age. The daughter is apparently very intelligent. That plus she is attractive and, based on how she acted at the house, mentally healthy.

As a side note, I feel like I handled being around a female my own age quite well. Normally I don't even talk at all or am so anxious that I can't think at all. It certainly helped that I didn't have much direct interaction with her, but the fact that I was able to speak in her presence is pretty impressive for me.

Anyway, I don't see how that can happen. I wonder how lucky you can possibly be. I mean, that is winning the genetic mega-millions. To have all three aspects so positive, I don't understand it.

Anyway, the woman was talking to me about school and stuff and brought up that her daughter had made a 790 on the critical reading SAT. 790??? Here I was amazed that I had made a 760. She missed one question. I can't even comprehend the impossibility of that on such a long test. Jesus Christ. And it isn't like she comes across as the kind of person who studies for it.

Anyway, the thing is that it actually made me feel pretty worthless. I didn't express it or anything.

It is just that a lot of the time, I feel like "well, at least I am doing good in school" and that gives me worth to myself. I can think "yeah, I screwed in other aspects, but I can do math. I can do SATs". But when there is someone who just has all of it, it makes me feel like a 3rd of a person.

I am not trying to blame her for anything. I am not trying to say "poor me" or that she doesn't have problems, because everyone has problems, I realize.

What bothers me is that pretty much all of my self-worth is put into my schooling. I don't think that normal people are like that.

Healthy people (I think) have some sort of intrinsic ability to like themselves. Kinda like when you have a friend, and you don't really care that they do well, it doesn't make them less of a friend, I think that people kinda feel the same way about themselves, right? Like a support for themselves where they see themselves as the center (not in a bad way, though).

Then, a failure wouldn't hurt a healthy person so bad and their success would feel good because their worth isn't tied to the objective. It isn't something that gives them value, but more of something that they, as a valued object can do to make it better for themselves (the valued object). So, it is more about adding good conditions to a valued object because you like the object than it is about adding value to the object.

I don't know if that is even right. Maybe I am being too optimistic about others, but if I am right, it gives me something to work on. It would be a complete change in mindset from the way I have thought for my whole life, but it makes sense that, if I could manage the change (even just to change a little) I could be a lot happier and a lot of problems would be solved.

*correction*
The book is Neuromancer