I haven't wrote a blog in a while, so I just wanted to write and update that nothing much had changed,

I have stopped using my twitter for about a month now. I still like the prom girl, and reading twitter was just unbearable. It is too much. A few other people from my high school also followed me and I followed back. People only seem to post about negative things, and, while I can sometimes handle it, it just gets to me after a while. Everyone is always upset or something, it seems like, and it makes me upset. Not to mention, the self-blaming for the prom-girl's unhappiness gets stronger the more I read about how something isn't working out for her on her twitter. I feel like I should do something and it is my fault, but I obviously can't.

The liking her is still there even still, and it seems like it will never end, but I rationally know that it must end, and probably soon. It just seems like it is always about to end, and then something triggers it and bam, it is hitting me full force again. I guess, in general, though, it isn't nearly as bad as it was a few months ago. It is pretty much at a low point. Still, at well over a year,this is reaching my record if it hasn't already surpassed it.

Recently, I have been taking pseudoephedrine with piracetam a lot. It is a divine combination, given to humans by the gods, no doubt

Despite what you would think, with pseudoephedine being a stimulant, and with neither substance having a really profound effect alone, the combination is EXTREMELY calming. I am 100% it isn't placebo, because I have never had anything this strong. All the restlessness just melts away. It is like the calmest peaceful meadow in the calmest summer. It doesn't help concentrate or anything, and it doesn't make me more productive, but it does make me feel so calm and not even worry about anything. It is like that feeling of "what if I don't..." just goes away, and everything is okay because I only need to go with the flow. All of the panic just goes away and it is like a matrix bullet-time or something with how clear everything seems. It is like all the static goes away. There is still a form of anxiety, though. It isn't like I am free, but it is the closest I have been.

I was looking back on my blog, as I was backing everything up (Psychforums has been having server errors and I want to have my stuff backed up for historical reference, ha ha). I feel like not a ton has changed over the course of the blog, but there has been a small amount of improvement, I feel.

Really, what I am most proud of is that I did give it a good try ("the old college try" lol). I am quite impressed with myself that I managed to be as regular as I was with my blogs and that I actually (in my mind at least) asked a girl on a date. WOW! Of course, I have also learned a lot and been helped a lot by the people that commented.

I will post here if anything major happens. I may be able to get to a psych soon. Just yesterday, I talked to my mom about it, and I may be able to get to one on my dad's insurance, and my mom seems kinda fine with it. I don't want SSRIs though, which I know they are going to try to give me. I hate to do it, but I may mostly bring up the attentional issues to try to get Ritalin or amphetamine, because I think that would do the most good. Of course, I am not a doctor and I feel silly acting like I could know what is better for me, but I am not taking SSRIs, just not going to happen, don't even want the potential for their side effects. If I thought that they would give me parnate or something, I would be honest, but I doubt any modern doc is going to give me a MAOI, especially without trying SSRIs first. I would even take a SSRE, but no SSRIs, and no benzos. Well, maybe benzos, but not preferred. So, if I get a medicine, and it cures me, I will post about it. I will probably post if I get a medicine period, or even if I go. Cross your fingers for me. I have no idea when I would be able to go, though.