Okay, I just found an amazing article with the help of wikipedia.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10858919#

On wikipeidia, it says that this could be useful for social anxiety.

Basically, what behavioral inhibition is is just what it sounds. It is one of my primary issues, the inability to act despite wanting to.

The drawback is that it seems to somehow affect the D1 system(studies say reduce in Dopamine levels, so that is what I am trusting, but I read elsewhere that it slows the transport,. This leads to the question of if it could induce negative attention effects. I don't know. I think that D4 is primarily responsible for ADHD, so maybe it won't. I have read anecdotes of sulbutiamine helping with ADHD.

Since I already have mild attention problems (almost without a doubt caused by isolation. In the few times I have been social, I have been able to concentrate like a fiend) I am on the lookout for anything that could exacerbate the problem (inositol did).

The primary problem is with the study's "significant" change. They only give the one set of data from the beginning of the study, nothing to say how much it changed, only that it was significant, meaning statistically significant, meaning that it could have only been a very little amount of increase. The original article is in french and I don't know where it is, but I am not going to worry about it.

I am going to try it and report back. I just have to wait 2 weeks for it to come in. I got it from a trusted supplier (and yes, it is legal, not even prescription. You can buy it on amazon, but don't trust their purities).

I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but this is exciting. It is the first time I have found something (besides scheduled drugs) that have been shown to help one of my major problems directly.

I am in a quasi-normal state right now.

I am still feeling very obsessed (fixated is maybe more the word), but I do feel like I can think a lot more clearly now.

I feel like a child for how I think about this kind of stuff. What I am doing is ridiculous. I mean, I am hiding from someone on facebook and trying to find another person because I am too afraid to text them. When I step back and look at the situation, I see how stupid it is, but it still seems logical when I am doing it.

Still, my fantasy level is extremely high.

I think the problem is that it has been so high in the past, and I have been actually doing stuff towards the fantasies. The problem is that in this situation, in the past, I had a lot of hope and actually had reason to believe that maybe something would transpire out of it. This is the fixation that I have had the most real-world involvement in.

So many things are very connected to it. For example, it was the motivator for making the media-center on my TV. It isn't that I haven't enjoyed it, but when I was originally planning it, I was thinking "[she] and I can watch movies on it" because I know she likes to watch movies (well, that's kinda silly, though. So does almost everyone, right?)

Then, most of the movies I have watched or gotten, I have had her mind during.

One thing that bothers me a lot this time is that I actually do know her. The "thinking of her" isn't (like it always has been in the past) mostly a constructed personality. It is all based on what I know from actually interacting with her.

I guess I fantasize far too much, but what else am I going to do? Fantasizing is how I know to cope with this kind of thing.

Recently, the fantasies have been flowing in, and I accept them. It kinda bothers me that I don't care much or don't have much self-control here. If I can't resist fantasizing, how am I going to resist anxiety? It just feels SO good to fantasize. Fantasy that everything works out is kinda like if it actually did, but a lot safer. I realize it isn't sustainable, but I can't really make myself care.

I am very disappointed in myself. I am not really feeling a particularly bad feeling, no physical feelings or anything. It is just one of those moments where I feel very silly or absurd. The fact that I have so much trouble with this kind of stuff makes me feel some kind of way. Sorta small. I can't really think of a good analogy. I guess kinda like if you were in a race or something, and you can't tie your shoes, and you are like "how can everyone else do this. I can't even tie my shoes. How am I going to be able to run?"

I am having a hard time coming to decision on what to do.

Despite that, I am feeling really good right now.

I don't feel like it is much of an ego-boosted good feeling, either.

I just generally feel like doing something. I want to go somewhere, do something.

I am feeling a mild sense of anxiety, but I am mostly okay.

Currently, I am wishing that the prom-girl would get on facebook. I feel like I can have a conversation now, and I am hoping that the ability doesn't go away before I have a chance to contact her. I believe that she is still sleeping, though. I could possibly text her, but that is pretty anxiety provoking since I haven't talked to her in a long time, and she probably doesn't know my number (I remember her saying something about getting a new phone on twitter).

I feel very, very 'pressured'. I feel like I HAVE TO do something RIGHT NOW.

This is, in most ways, the same as how I felt last summer when I did talk to her, but ended up acting far too avoidant. I really feel like I can do it now.


I am concerned, however, that with this resurgence and these feelings I will miss a good opportunity with the other girl, and that I should just forget about the prom-girl, but I don't know. I feel like I CAN'T. I can't find anything else to be good right now.

I am afraid that I am going to screw myself over again.

Also, I realize that there is no reason for me to believe that the prom-girl will still like me or anything, but I don't think I really understand it on a decision making level right now.

The way I am leaning towards looking at it is that this will be closure. As much I part of me would like to, I can't just move on. I need to either be devastated or thrilled.

As a side note, I almost wish that everything was back to how it was a week ago. This is the worst good feeling I have had. I would almost prefer to feel flat out bad and not have to worry about things and be so high-strung. The problem is that I absolutely cannot concentrate on anything else. Before, I was having fun playing guild wars 2, but now I can't even enjoy anything. It is just this constant apprehension. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. The worst outcome is that I go back to how I was before, but it is driving me insane. I want things to happen now. I feel like "WHY AREN'T THINGS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!". I have a faint buzzing feeling across my body.

I wish I could concentrate this energy on something useful.

I am about to just try to do something else and get my mind off it. I just don't want the 'courage' to fall with it. Then again, maybe it should. I don't believe that I am of sound mind right now. It is too confusing which mode of thought is correct.

Okay, a few hours ago, my step-dad called me.

He said that his boss said that the computer stuff was working great. Then, he said that she said that her daughter said that I was attractive and said that I should add her (the daughter) on facebook.

I don't know. I mean, that is a huge ego-boost, but I don't think that timing could be any worse. I am so, beyond, conflicted.

I take it that this isn't too serious, but still, it is crazy. I had a plan worked out, and this dislocates it.

This doesn't even feel like it is real. I feel like I am going to wake up any minute, and everything will be calm again.

There isn't a part of my brain to handle this.

I don't even know how to feel.

I added her on facebook, but I haven't been been online since. I figure I have to if she asked me to.

I have absolutely no idea.

The funny thing is, I am not really panicking. It is like it doesn't even really register in my mind.

I don't know what to do. I literally have no idea whatsoever. My mind is just blank and I can't really think about what to do. It just seems impossible.

I know that it is an ego boost that she said I was attractive and all, but I don't know how it makes me feel, just kinda conflicted. Like I know I should feel good, and I certainly feel something, but I don't know what it is.

I still like the prom girl.

But I know that, logically, this girl is the kind of girl that I like. It is somewhere in the back of my head, but I can't even think of it.

Enough has happened today. I can't possibly process more, I don't even know.

I guess I will see what happens.

I am not going to make the same mistake as I did last time, I guess.

Still, I have a feeling that "if she knew how crazy I am, she wouldn't have done this, so it is my responsibility to stop it now." but I think that is part of the crazy, so I shouldn't listen.

One of my friends told me one time "you have to date people so that you have experience and know what to do so that you can date better in the future." I guess that is true. If this leads to dating, I guess. But I can't think of it like that, at the same time, because it feels like an insult to her. I guess it is just if it isn't a good match, then that applies.

I don't know. I want to go to sleep. I am tired and my brain isn't even working. I feel like if I go to sleep, the dream world will make more sense.

Today my good mood fell, as to be expected, I guess. It was kinda sudden, though.

I actually woke up in a bad mood and cried before I got out of bed, which is pretty bad considering that I was in a good mood the day before. Maybe it was a bad dream that I don't remember or something, but the change was pretty sudden. What triggered the emotionality was that I was thinking about scifi movies(my friend had asked me to recommend him some good sci-fi last night), and I thought about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which was on one of the lists for great scifi movies. That is a great movie, but it is highly, highly emotional for me, for a lot of different reasons. I got stuck in one of those thought loops about it. It was pretty bad, but I am mostly okay now.

I blame the fact that I have had to change my sleep schedule recently

Anyway, I checked twitter. I still haven't followed Ada's advice and installed anything.

Anyway, I went through and checked my follower list to see if there was anyone new (I do this often, but I actually haven't looked in a while.)

The strangest thing was that the girl was at the top of the list. I have always thought that it was in chronological order with the oldest being at the bottom, so I was thinking "did they change the sorting order?" But the one that used to be at the bottom was still in the same place, and they weren't in alphabetical order.

So, I checked my recent interactions thing, and she had followed me around 2:45 in the afternoon(it changed over hours ago when I was swapping back and fourth, so that means that it happened at that time in the hour unless there is an imprecision in the counter), yesterday. Her account was also changed from locked to unlocked.

It was actually a very strange feeling. It wasn't a necessarily bad feeling. It was a kinda cold feeling, but not painful, like when they but water in your veins when you are dehydrated and it is cold, but deep inside you and not on your skin.

Of course, that drove me insane. Pretty poor timing, if you ask me.

Of course, I was thinking "what is the significance of this?" "What does this mean?" "Why in the world would she unfollow and then refollow me?" I was wondering if she had gotten mad or something for a short time, and I was wondering when exactly she unfollowed me, since I haven't checked in a while. Then I was wondering why she would bother to follow me again, and if she had unfollowed me, couldn't she just not follow me back, but she did so does that mean something?

Well, I was trying to figure it out, and I though of the fact that maybe when she changed the profile from private to open, it did something and unfollowed then followed everyone she was following.

So, I checked my step-brother's page to see if she was at the top of his as well, and she was.

Most likely, it was just a glitch caused when she changed it from private to open.

Still, I found the email from when she first followed me, and she was only following 46 people, so I should have been the 46th or 47th. However, I am really close to the top (within the top 10 or 15) and she has 70 something now, so that makes no sense. That would mean that she would have had to follow at least 10 people (and these are real people that go to our school) in the past day. Maybe it only affected some of us. I would say maybe it scrambled them, but I changed my profile to private a while ago and then back a few weeks ago, and mine are still in the correct order. I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

It wasn't in time to stop the flood of fantasy and reactivation of everything, though.

I've been thinking now about what I was thinking a long time ago, that even though I had screwed up on the prom thing, there was next year since we would technically be seniors in HS this year.

The fact that I didn't get as much...

[ Continued ]