Alright. Well, I can't know what is the BEST thing to do because I can't trust how I think. I don't know if I am being too harsh on myself, what.

I am now thinking it was almost certainly NOT a date, or at least not a date-date. It is apparent that she eats with a lot of people, friends, etc. So, I don't know. Now I don't really know what counts as a date, because she eats out with everybody, lunch, dinner, I don't know what this means.

Here are the very painful last few texts: [] are not in the actual text

Me: Despite the fact that I was so nervous, I did enjoy it. Text me in the future if you ever want to meet up again. [Worded so insecurely, and why did I even say anything about being nervous?]
Her: Why were you nervous??? [I think if it had been a date, she would have not been asking why]

[part omitted for extreme awkwardness, I can't look at it to transcribe it. I just evaded the question, and she said "ermmm okay"]

Me: Not a big deal, nothing your fault or anything. Just nervous today, is all. [Not only did I lie, but I did it so poorly, the worst lie I have ever read]
Her: Okay then. [... need I say anything? Not a good response. Almost rejection/leave me alone unspoken.]

I really screwed it up here. I wasn't that awkward talking in person, but, christ, someone with legit autism could have written better texts than me here (no offense to anyone with autism)

Should have just said "Hey, I enjoyed it, lets meet up again sometime soon." That would have been a good text, but I have to screw it over with my insecurities.

Still, I have made a decision.

I like this girl. Currently, I can't like any other girl. I must either date her or stop liking her. In order to stop liking her, I need to know that there is no chance of dating her.

I must try, to the utmost of my ability, to date her. It must be done. If I stop now, I will hate myself far more than if I keep going and royally screw everything up.

If I screw everything up, at least I can say "I tried to the best of my ability and she just didn't like me." But my intention is to date her, and I don't want to skirt around it. That is a goal, for her to by my girlfriend, not for her to be my friend or like me more. I must do what I need to do and act right. None of this "well, if I ask her out and she rejects me then things will be awkward between us." If things get awkward, I only have contact with her when I choose to.

First, I think I am going to do something. I am going to ask advice of my mother... not something I like to do. Expressing anything like this will make her unpredictable, and she generally isn't a good source of advice in these kinds of situations since she takes everything in emotion instead of rational. Talking and explaining it in real life should be easier, though. It is tough on the internet to explain this kind of thing because I have to provide the correct details, and that is much easier when someone can react in real time. I figure she may be able to give me some advice on how to make it into a date.

So, lets do this.

I don't know when I will text her. I think I am going to have to take initiative again after that last text...

I feel sorry for her, subjected to my supreme awkwardness.

I feel like she doesn't like me anymore. I am late to the bat. Still, I have to try... since I was the one that put her in the friend-zone, I have to get her out if she wants to come out. Otherwise we will each be in each other's friend zone.

To make an expression that I like someone as more than a friend is the most difficult thing for me to even imagine doing, but it is needed.

Rejection is probable, but acceptation is possible, and possible is really all I need. 1% is a good enough percent.

If she liked me before, she could like me now, or at least, it isn't too far-fetched.