I am in a quasi-normal state right now.

I am still feeling very obsessed (fixated is maybe more the word), but I do feel like I can think a lot more clearly now.

I feel like a child for how I think about this kind of stuff. What I am doing is ridiculous. I mean, I am hiding from someone on facebook and trying to find another person because I am too afraid to text them. When I step back and look at the situation, I see how stupid it is, but it still seems logical when I am doing it.

Still, my fantasy level is extremely high.

I think the problem is that it has been so high in the past, and I have been actually doing stuff towards the fantasies. The problem is that in this situation, in the past, I had a lot of hope and actually had reason to believe that maybe something would transpire out of it. This is the fixation that I have had the most real-world involvement in.

So many things are very connected to it. For example, it was the motivator for making the media-center on my TV. It isn't that I haven't enjoyed it, but when I was originally planning it, I was thinking "[she] and I can watch movies on it" because I know she likes to watch movies (well, that's kinda silly, though. So does almost everyone, right?)

Then, most of the movies I have watched or gotten, I have had her mind during.

One thing that bothers me a lot this time is that I actually do know her. The "thinking of her" isn't (like it always has been in the past) mostly a constructed personality. It is all based on what I know from actually interacting with her.

I guess I fantasize far too much, but what else am I going to do? Fantasizing is how I know to cope with this kind of thing.

Recently, the fantasies have been flowing in, and I accept them. It kinda bothers me that I don't care much or don't have much self-control here. If I can't resist fantasizing, how am I going to resist anxiety? It just feels SO good to fantasize. Fantasy that everything works out is kinda like if it actually did, but a lot safer. I realize it isn't sustainable, but I can't really make myself care.

I am very disappointed in myself. I am not really feeling a particularly bad feeling, no physical feelings or anything. It is just one of those moments where I feel very silly or absurd. The fact that I have so much trouble with this kind of stuff makes me feel some kind of way. Sorta small. I can't really think of a good analogy. I guess kinda like if you were in a race or something, and you can't tie your shoes, and you are like "how can everyone else do this. I can't even tie my shoes. How am I going to be able to run?"