Well, it was fun. It was fun while it lasted.

Last night didn't go so well.

I asked her to let me know when she wasn't busy so that I could call her. I was planning on asking her on a date over the phone. She just replied with "okay", and then a few hours later, she was posing stuff on twitter about talking to other people on the phone, and then she had an episode about some guy who she used to date (first she was saying she missed him and then she was intensely mad at him and kinda went crazy).

So, she never texted me or anything. It kinda hit me hard last night. I cried a lot, but I managed to fall asleep okay.

So, the fantasy/illusion is pretty much burst.

Thankfully, though, I am not staying in the crying, really-bad-feeling mode. I feel really dampened/elongated/sluggish, but I am not actively feeling bad.

On the plus side, I had a really good dream last night, and that is really good because I normally have nightmares in situations like this. I dreamed that a friend and I were playing PS2 games online somehow. The games we were playing were all dinosaur based, and it was really cool. In my dream, they were games that I had remembered from childhood, but in reality, they weren't real games. There were several of them, one was like a dinosaur fighting game for the PS1 that I used to play with my brother, but it was more like street-fighter in the dream. The other one was a lot like Star wars Demolition for the dreamcast, but with dinosaurs and the two teams were dinosaur and human, and I think we had to hunt each other down or something, but it had the same style as the Star Wars game. There was one that was something like Turok and Halo mixed, but with more dinosaurs, but I can't really remember it except for thinking of the comparison in the morning.

I actually woke up in a good mood. We had been having a lot of fun playing the games in my dream. It was like how video games used to be before everyone was so much how we are now.

I had a pretty good morning, too. I had to wake up early and go by the bookstore to get a few books. I went, and the guy that was working there was really nice. You know, there are some people who seem genuinely nice, not just the service-worker forced nice-ness. I actually felt the most normal that I have in a long time. He told me that I could save about half price by renting one of the books, and I did. I asked him about what renting it involves, and he explained it, and it sounded like a deal. I know it doesn't sound like a good conversation, but the empathy thing was there, the thing where there is flow or something to the conversations.

Then, I was reading one of the books in the lobby in front of my class because I was afraid I was going to have a test on it today, and an older woman who is in the same class was sitting beside me reading it too. She said something to me, and I think I responded pretty well. She said that the textbook was strange (it's formatted as a magazine, which I really don't know how I feel about), and I agreed and said that I read differently. She agreed back, and said that she sees why he chose the book, though, and I acknowledged and got back to reading. I did kinda drop the conversation there, but we WERE both reading, and I don't think it was a bad thing to do. Luckily, we didn't have the test today because I didn't finish the chapter.

Other than those two instances, I was worse than normal today. I was having some trouble thinking, and was just feeling really down.

I'm not sure what to make of the sulbutiamine. I am not in a stable position right now to judge its effectiveness, but It doesn't seem to be doing much.

Yesterday I had to go rock-climbing, and I took some of it, and I didn't have ANY more energy at all. I think that the energy thing is an effect of isolation, nothing else.

I haven't been any more social throughout most of the day, just those two times this morning, but that isn't enough to not be coincidence.

One thing that concerns me is that I seem to piss it out almost immediately after taking it. It is only like 2 hours later, and I have to go to the bathroom, and I can smell it in my urine (distinctly like surfer and vitamin B). I think I may be metabolizing it too quickly or something. It should have a half-life of about 5 hours, but by 5 hours, there is none left if I already went a few hours before.

I am going to take a break from it and try it again in about a week or so. I think I will try up to about 2 grams at a time, and if that doesn't work, I am just going to store it. I read it is helpful as a 2ndary medicine for neutralizing the side-effects of things that sedate you, so maybe if I find medicine that tends to sedate me, I can use the sulbutiamine to counter it some.

Here's what I need: A psych.

Healthy people don't feel or act like me. I need a psych. I don't feel like trying to convince my parents, though. And I know that if I do get them to take me, they will always want to know about what he/she said, how it is going, etc, etc, and I would whether just not be bothered by them about it. It will always be a "thing" as to how much progress I am making because it would be so far away to drive, and it would be expensive, and my parents would get frustrated. I would have to get better in a month or pretend to.

When I get to tech, I will be in the city, and I can just go then, I guess. Still, a year is a long time to wait like this, and that is just before I can BEGIN to get help for it.

I've kinda been wanting to get street-fighter and a cheap arcade-stick. I know I would get bored of it quickly, though. It is more fun to just watch other people play it, ha ha. I used to play Soul Caliber with the family back when we were all a little bit more sane. I think I am nostalgic

Anyway, this isn't too bad of a comedown. Really, it's just barely below my normal. I just want this all to be over with. I want to be able to be happy, really happy, the kind of happy where you can enjoy what you are doing.

Unfortunately, I think I am going to need someone to be happy with, and I can't like anyone right now. I am still in the dissolution phase of liking the other girl.

I guess it will go away eventually, though. I will eventually think "I don't know why I liked her so much, she is so crazy and not as attractive as I remember." I don't want to think that though. I would rather have her to be happy with, but I don't think that will happen. I was close at one time.

I guess I have made some progress, so it isn't all that bad. Hey, I TRIED to ask a girl on a date. That is something new. I wouldn't have even thought of trying to a year ago.

Baby steps. Good things come to those who wait. Time heals everything.