Like I said yesterday, this time between texts is really getting to me. I mean, I guess you aren't supposed to text 24/7, but this is like unnecessary time between texts. I don't know if you could even wait this long without trying to. Maybe I am just unable to wait for a human amount of time right now.

I don't know, though. She was texting me during the day, each of us alternating between classes. We got a place worked out and presumably a time, but... she hasn't confirmed the time. I don't know if she has to check it against her other plans or something, but it has been a long time now.

I don't know. Half the time, I am always worried about it. Half the time, I am thinking that she doesn't really want to go eat or isn't interested because you would think that she would confirm the time or something... I don't know. I don't know, and I am thinking that I like it better to believe that she doesn't like me than to be in perpetual questioning of what is going on. Still, I have to have patience and just relax (although the relaxing part is kinda difficult to do when the meet is planned to be tomorrow, but she hasn't texted back confirming the time I asked about... I mean, it seems like it is cutting it close, to me.

But I am trying to play it cool, not obsessively texting her or anything. I have to remain calm or else I screw it all up. This is so difficult. What kind of cruel joke is this that society is making where you can't try to solve a problem or else you fail it? Having to wait like this kills me. I mean, I don't have any choice but to sit here and hope. Not to say I don't deserve it from what happened in the past, but I am going insane.

Balancing detached and attached is so difficult. It is so difficult to not appear overattached or annoying but not be cold either. I don't know how people do it, especially at this sort of stage where nothing is concrete, and she could just change her mind or find another guy, or I could say something wrong that puts her off. There was a skating game I used to play with my stepbrother, and we made a custom map once and just rode on the rail for the longest amount of time to see who could get the highest points. You had to keep the marker in the middle of a meter with the joystick, it couldn't go too far to one side, and it became more and more difficult to control and the tension built in your head, and eventually you would just drop the controller and lose because it's just too much. That is how this feels right now, but I have to keep it centered. I can't fall off now.

It is driving me insane. I would bet that there is a 50% chance of her backing out. I don't know, though. I can't assess the odds. I can't do it. I don't know much about this kind of stuff, and she behaves so erratically anyway (not meant as a insult) that it is difficult to tell what is up with her based on how normal people behave. I mean, part of the behavior is why I like her, but it is so difficult to read her without looking at body language and hearing voice tone. Text messages have to be the worst form of communication invented because they don't convey much at all, just words, and sometimes emoticons, but you can't use emoticons all the time, so you can't always know the mood and tone. When you are talking to someone, it is a constant info stream, and that is how I would like it. I don't like having gaps that I have to fill in myself because I fill them in with my neuroticism.

I don't know if I am going to be able to work through this. I don't know if actually being in the relationship would be this anxiety provoking. I would like to think no, but something tells me yes. Still, lets just take it as it happens. If a relationship happens, I will have to deal with whatever it entails then, not now.

I NEED to get through this. It is essential for my mental health. I need for the situation to happen and be done with so that I can either get exposure or get improvement in quality of life.

Tomorrow, it happens. The date either occurs and is a date, occurs and is just friends, or doesn't occur. I don't know the odds, but I want to think they are against me. Then again, I have historically been very bad at calculating these odds.