Well, here we are. I am 18. The big day, hooray for me. So, I'm an adult now.

To be honest, today hasn't been the best day. I mean, everyone else has been great. I went with my family to eat sea-food, and my grandparents gave me money and made me a great cake.

Unfortunately, I wasn't too hungry, and the money didn't really make me too happy. Of course, I smiled and thanked everyone, and ate the food anyway. I acted happy, and I think that is what matters.

The beginning of the day wasn't bad though, the eating and going to good-will before were pretty good. I found an old flight joystick for $4, and bought it. It works, and it is pretty cool; I used it to play some MAME games earlier. The food was good. I had taken the sulbutiamine, and everything was a bit above-average, experience-wise. It wasn't as good as on Friday, though. That feeling hasn't been back at all.

And I am noticing that it is getting worse at night. I can't tell if it is because I am back to normal at night, and it is just me becoming myself again that I hate, or if there is some kind of rebound or crash from the sulbutiamine.

Feeling guilty is the main thing, and I think that environment is kinda spurring that on. The girl has, during the past few nights, been having some kind of manic episodes, raging about stuff and sounding reckless. It kinda worries me that I may have something to do with it. Maybe I triggered some kind of mania or something by talking to her. Even if she doesn't like me, if she did at one time, and I am talking to her now, then that is enough to possibly trigger mania. It seems like a narcissistic thought, though. So much stuff happens in her life, just what happens in twitter is overwhelming for me.

I just think: if I could just talk to myself a year ago, everything would be okay. We would be dating, and she wouldn't be acting like she is now, and we would be so close to each other. It has almost been a year since she hugged me.

It must be a feat to be able to go almost a year without reciprocation, even with some possible rejection, yet still like someone just as much. It's some sort of hellish gift. Maybe it will be useful some day, but for now, it drives me insane.

As far as long term medicines go, sulbutiamine is a pretty crappy one. I am still undecided on it as far as short term medicines go.

I talked to my mom. I am going to get blood-tests sometime this week. They will be covered under insurance. I want to see if I have any imbalances that me are causing me to become fatigued easily.

I want to look better and build confidence, I think I have to. I have to work out some or else I am going to keep wasting away like this. If the blood tests come back normal, then I have no excuse. If there is a problem, then I can fix it.

I just want to feel okay. It has to happen eventually. Eventually I will be fully happy for the long term. I just have to keep working and waiting.