So yeah just now I had a realisation that...

Some other stuff has happened by the way today wich I won't talk about... but uhm...

I found out about some more stuff... or well additional information... not in the sense of memories or something...

And uhm yeah it made me realise more... of myself... something more.

And just a few minutes ago I uhm... realised I might actually just have to go pick up my life where I have left it. Because it has all come to a halt right now and I've got a lot of time left over to keep thinking about certain stuff. But uhm... that's all right now. Thinking.

And uhm. Though it is paying off. It's paying off. All the thinking might actually get me somewhere.

And especially when I now get thoughts of picking up school again etc... wich I have postponed so far...

I have to say that somehow now I really think I'm getting somewhere (see my last blog entry... the very very last part).

My dad always tried to embarass me in front of the family of his girlfriend. Like for the smallest stupidest stuff imagineable. Pronouncing something wrong or something like that.

Actually they might not have even understood that either. Why my dad was bashing... me like that... like why he targeted me like that over... this small stuff. The problem is now something happened wich I think of as extremely bad and not-done and wrong.

And I am so ashamed for it but I couldn't do much about it in the end...

Perhaps I don't blame myself but if I don't others will anyway so I might as well just do it myself.

Wich is VERY UNHEALTHY...

It's as if I haven't got a choice. Along with the disturbing stuff that happened with my dad he's just a total moron.

Edit:
Well it's hard for me to put it into perspective.

Ok so this is blog entry 7.

Ok so it's getting a bit weird... I have to tell something. I have already made like 3 attempts to write entry 7 and all the attempts got extremely long and had a lot of new information in it. But I often write stuff and then don't post it. There is stuff I want to talk about but I just can't. And it's kind of pointless as well.

Anyway uhm things are ok again. The problem though is that I don't really do much at the moment etc...

I get through the days with hope. That someday it will be better.

Uhm...

The thing that really brightens my day ARE girls. I really really really like them. That's the biggest problem of them all. But yeah I've got issues with them nevertheless. It's weird. And everytime a girl likes me, I start thinking I must be too good for her then...

But well. I've had problems with my dad and my mum... wich could be interpreted as abuse. Not really. But yeah disturbing for me anyway. And I can't get myself over it.

Together with the fact that uhm... yeah... well it's quite serious...

And yeah I'm seriously... I can't really admit it... but I really want to have sex with a girl... but not just any girl. That's where all those problems start. And in the end they end up to be too much. Too many problems. Psychologically. All psychologically as far as I know.

I'm too picky. That's not bad. Picky isn't bad. I mean in the end I want to narrow it down to one girl anyway but it's very hard to... do that...

And mentally... girls are so different from eachother... it's like gosh... and then with looks and everything and... it's just... and then education even perhaps.

All I know is that I can be good looking I thought. Depends. It's more about appearance though. I can be ugly if I feel bad or something like that. But usually if I'm kind of grumpy or show this kind of attitude of "I'm sick of this all". I don't know how that works. Perhaps that's not the appearance that I have then. It usually is about me thinking "this is sick" and then I have to get over myself and then I start out fresh again... with a fresh look at life like ok I'll give it another shot/chance whatever and then all the girls suddenly start demanding attention. Way too much. And in a VERY ANNOYING WAY. Demanding I guess is the problem. I'm not giving them attention. They're taking it.

And that's when I give up immediatly again on this "second try" and think "ok it's all the same". And it is. It's always the same. It's too much change. And when I give up like that it's also immediatly done. All interest is gone. And so I'm pretty alone then again except for just normal friends etc. With the ocassional weird girl bombarding me with attention without any reason. I don't like that either.

So...

I seriously...

Seriously that's perhaps weird or something. But I often wonder what kind of girls are on these forums. What kind of girls could be reading my blog?

But it's not important. I have to do it myself. Not through a forum where people are gathering with their problems. Like we would probably be have one thing in common... we both have psychological problems. Wow. Yeah. That's the girl I would like. More psychological problems... No, I have already got enough of my own. So that's a no-go.

Oh well. I think there are enough girls out there who have got the same problems as me... uhm... but... it's like... how do they deal with this?

And uhm evolutionary... uhm... nothing bad ever even happened! It never resulted in unhealthy kids or something like that. So is that like... uhm... why would I have to regret the... stuff that happened itsself as well then. I took precautions... uhm... to make sure it didn't go any further...

And that's uhm. I made a sacrifice for it as well. So perhaps I should even be proud of myself. I can be. But yeah the point is other people are actually pretty retarded when it comes down to these topics. There are a bunch of opportunistic evil...

[ Continued ]

However life goes on.

And yeah I'm posting this as seperate blog entries I don't really care.

They're big in the sense that they are pretty short. Pretty dumb that an administrator will again have to approve the message all over again though.

Yeah and now I'm just pissed off at certain stuff.

But I guess that's the most healthy reaction to all of this.