Ok so today is a lot better all of a sudden to a point where I'm actually functioning.

Don't know how or what. But basically I got angry... and then I found power in my own anger. And realised I'm powerfull and in controll. Yeah that might sound weird but it was like that.

It's just that I need to direct it.

So today... I have been doing all kinds of useless stuff. Actually. Pretty cool. Listened to music. Showed my own social position in this building as somebody not to be messed around with (I guess they saw what kind of break through I had had... just through the look of my eyes).

Then I actually... kind of like...

Gosh it was a very weird day actually...

I don't even know exactly the sequence anymore in what order everything happened. All I know is that I just played some minesweeper as well on expert level and finally being able to pull it off. And I've just watched a video that has just blown my mind... giving a whole new DIMENSION... of stuff to think about...

And so I am now looking up the video... how to find it... because I want to show you... and now that I've found the video... I see it's from 2007... it's already 5 years old... wich makes it a little bit too much to... understand...

Anyway, search: "the meaning to life blow your mind away" on youtube and it's the first video that pops up (black screen with text, and a small blue hue in the left bottom corner fading into the black screen).

Especially the... facts about... technology students... that if I were to start a technological study... all the stuff I would've learned in year 1 would already be outdated in year 3. Or much more quickly perhaps.

Wich is just sick.

Somehow I don't believe it all. I don't believe computers will ever outperform humans in intelligence as we PROGRAMM THEM. So it's impossible as far as I can think of with my own human brains. You can mimic the smartest person by building a computer that has the same type of brains as the smartest person in the world but then that's it. That's where the limit is. I think. Or I hope. Or I fear... I don't know...

Then I think technology can't develop as quickly as humans can educate themselves for the technology. We'll never outrun ourselves.

The problem might actually become that a lot of branches could be really usefull... combined together... but will never be combined together... because we all go our seperate ways... because everything specializes way too quickly way too much. I think. Or not.

It's sick anyway. It feels like we're building on being one. I believe in that. And I feel the internet and electricity is going to be part of our central nervous system.

But I hope it won't ever implode. Or collapse... like a bubble. But that would make the most sense though. It's like... this can't go on without having consequences. Do we want all of this technology? What are the impacts of it etc etc? It already sometimes feels like it's getting too much.

And it's probably already... too... much... in a sense that nobody probably even cares what I'm writing at the moment because I can guarantee you that there are thousands of other places you can go to right now on the internet where much someone is discussing stuff that's much more interesting than what I'm saying right now... much more fun... in a much more simple way... much easier to understand...

As far as I know only the mod/admin who has to approve of this actually still reads all of this. Hehe. Some of it anyway. Or... perhaps he/she just runs a scan for swearing words or stuff like that and doesn't really read it.

Yeah... it's weird. Perhaps this is not going on... But actually it is! This is not... some hallucination. It feels like I'm already merging with everything... becoming part of a large thing/being... perhaps this is also how my body formed. It is actually. My body first started growing and growing and growing and then it assigned tasks to all the different cells and then they started... performing those...

[ Continued ]

Well hello.

I don't know how many people are already actually reading this. But whatever.

I was just wondering...

I know this girl that has been abused I guess. But I've got such a specific story that it's easily recognisable on the internet. I guess she hasn't read it herself but she might have a look if I tell her the same thing happened to me as well. Uhm.

But yeah she's nice! And uhm yeah I understand her. But yeah I somehow also think that the double abuse-kind-of-like thing that happened with my parents kind of... doubles up... to me... and yeah... I am sceptical against both males and females and she just against males.

The thing that's bothering me most actually is the...
I don't know what I want

And uhm... I don't even care about my own situation or how people look at me that much anymore either. Also I'm constantly having this feeling that I think I'm in a threatening situation. Also... I think I might have made mistakes as well... somewhere in my past with someone. However that's perhaps just me being confused and thinking of something as normal. Gosh.

It's so difficult this

I want to get over it... but I just feel in danger. While there's nothing to fear perhaps.

But I feel like... I mean if it was with just a women or just a man... but it's both my parents...
BOTH. At least not my sister... but she's always mentally been trying to grab my attention ever since I was very young.

Then I'm confused today again about my own emotions. Perhaps everything is allright.

Ok so hello everyone again,

I'm doing good at the moment. Better than before (a few weeks ago for example).

However sometimes I can still get angry at certain stuff. Social stuff in particular. It can really really piss me off. Because I don't like to show where my borders are. And show that to people. Because I think people should know it themselves and I just severely hate people who cross them... even if it's unintentionally... otherwise it wouldn't be a border right?

And by that I mean social borders.

But yeah I've started to... uhm... try... and... defend them nevertheless by warning... or something. It's like I don't like to warn people but I have to because people are just stupid. They apparently don't know when they go too far and I have to let them know it.

So then often these thoughts come up that I feel like I let my parents get away with what they did. And then I think to myself... I kind of regret that. But I don't know how I could make them pay. If I retaliate with violence I punish myself just as much as them. Because in the end... I don't know.

They raised me. I mean...
The way... they did... is perhaps questionable... or... like... they way they did... I might not really like it... but they raised me nevertheless. Yeah...

I don't really know how to think of it or what to think of it but I feel better right now than I did before...

Edit: but yeah the point I guess is that it makes me really angry...
And I'm allowed to think that.

Edit 2: And because I'm allowed to think that I feel better again.
So yeah I first get angry because of the things I remember... about what they did etc... but then I'm like yeah it makes sense for me to be angry about that and that already calms me enough.

I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't even know if this message will get approved. It's like censorship. Gosh.

But you know what...

I'm going to change this blog from talking to you people who read this to talking to the admins. Lol.

Hello there administrators or moderators... whoever you are...

Edit 3:

But yeah just a weird entry again.

Edit 4:

Oh yeah and by the way, the approval of these entries... are fine... uhm in the way that I did get a notification of it. Directly after I clicked the submit button I got an explaination saying that a mod or admin needs to approve this message before it gets submitted. I apparently clicked that message away automatically thinking it was like a... "you're post has been submitted succesfully, click here to get back to the forums" blablabla message. And then at my post in a red color it says I merely need to click a link... to approve my message... as if I can do that myself. Wich is false. Not true.

Edit 5:

So yeah if I'm talking to a single mod/admin anyway here and don't have any certainty as to whether this entry will actually be approved... I would appreciate it if you could do something about that FALSE message saying I can click on a link to approve my message and the internetpage just does a quick refresh and nothing happens basically.

Actually I wouldn't appreciate it. I just dislike it at the moment. I would probably stop feeling agitated about it. Oh well and if this post does get submitted... I guess that's all for today...

Cya!

Ok so...

First of all read all 19 pages of my thread please called "Have I been set up (as a guy... by my mother)?"...

It could be spelled differently... a little bit differently... different punctuations or whatever. I DONT CARE. It's in the sexual abuse forums... READ IT, and then come back here... read it now or stop reading alltogether and pick it up again some other time. There's no point in reading my blog if you don't know where it came from.

So basically I've now got my own blog. Period.

Kind of cool.

Don't feel embarassed anymore as the thread was getting a little bit embarassing long...

And this blog is mine. This is just me typing out how I feel. No goal in that. There's no reason I do so. Not a cry for help. PURELY venting thoughts.

Edit:

Ah here's the first... kind of weird thing already... I need to click a link to... uhm... approve my own message... but it doesn't work... great...

Do my blog entries need approval from mods? Or does this just not work? I wonder. Kind of stupid though.

I don't like obstacles. But whatever. I'll wait and see... my guess is that I need a moderator to approve my own messages in my own blog...

Wich kind of takes away the feeling from me that this is my own blog...

Oh well it's annoying anyway...