And it's timid again...

Short blog entry but yeah... short but powerfull... because this should say a lot.

***Trigger warning- mentions thoughts of death and suicide and self harm****

Ok so somehow... perhaps it makes sense that entry 13 is a very negative entry.

Ok so I'm getting really pessimistic... at the moment....

EXTREMELY PESSIMISTIC!

I don't know why or how.

But today I woke up with a thought inside my head that considering how evolution works... I think I'm getting punished for living. I can live! But I'll get punished for it. That's what I get in return. Punishment.

It seems like that's the way in wich evolution works.

But the point is... I'm not even that... positive about death or suicide...

I just feel stuck

I don't know if this helps but it feels right now as if I'm actually inside hell. Because...

I don't even want to die. It's like...

I can't even see the bright side of death anymore. I'm too pessimistic for it. I don't have faith in the future... but I don't have faith in death either.

I regret this. I regret this all. Every single thing in this universe. Every single freaking ######6 small ######6 thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY! THIS IS ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT. WHY!?!??! WHAT THE ###$ DO I EARN IT FOR?!??!?!

Even my life has been caused by or through selfishness from my parents. It's horror. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.I'm stuck.

Hope for me is just something there left to still be drained from me. I'm being tortured. I don't know by what. I don't know what for.

And my thought process... has...

Well I don't even have the guarantee that if I commit suicide... that this won't happen again anymore!!!

You know. I've once been dead. Officially. Already.

And so... what the ###$ am I doing then here?!

The universe seems like my enemy. Everything and nothing and a lack thereof and even more or less or whatever seems my enemy. Like my enemy.

Maybe pain... maybe torture itsself... is my friend... maybe I need to embrace it. Maybe I have to uhm... increase it all even a little bit further...

No not just a little bit. A whole lot worse. Like the most...

It's...

Perhaps I want to....

Perhaps I'm not going to kill myself. Perhaps one day I'll decide that I'll just finish it off... myself like... finish what others... or what SOMETHING ELSE... has started. And I will just torture myself. And begin exposing myself to the most ridiculous amounts of pain imagineable.

Can somebody actually die of pain? Or misery? Just DIE from it!?

Gosh...

It really makes me wonder.

You know who's also in the same situation as this? Cattle. Livestock. In farms.

They are trapped.

There once was a cow... and uhm... yeah... imagine one of your kids actually getting trapped uhm... imagine being a parent cow...

Maybe that's the misery I feel. Maybe it's just affecting me through food.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaa..

Just typing random stuff.

I can't take this Oh well. It will probably go away.

Or is that more of the hope...

Maybe I'm chained by hope.

Maybe hope are my chains... maybe hope is the lock... Maybe hope is the cage. Hope makes me continue with this.

Hope is what let's me...

Why am I even here in the first place...

Don't answer this.

Yeah so it's allright again.

I don't know.

I don't know how to think about this. Especially the confidence stuff issues etcetera.

I believe it is somehow as if... it's uhm... it has been used up...

And ok. But now when I look at blog entry 11 I think it's ridiculous again.

So in my opinion I'm pretty weird. I'm constantly mood-shifting. And it feels like often I also mood-shift just to evade... stuff... as if... like...

To be ahead of situations or something like that... (if you know what I mean).

I shift moods to flee from social awkward stuff. I really hate that. And uhm...

But yeah in general about my blogs etc... I don't know...

If I would talk about it in person I think uhm... I would seem more like one single person than I do right now... like I mean... as a single whole person who is responsible for all these mood-swings stuff like that.

I mean. I almost have multiple personalities I guess... or well... uhm that probably isn't the case...
But uhm... if only considering the name... yeah...

Actually...

Yeah I don't really want to uhm...

I do it on purpose. And I work very hard for it... actively...

It's pervasive action.

I change moods really quickly. Personalities. I know I do, because I do it intentionally. Based on social situations I've learned from, I now know when to adopt a certain personality for a preferred outcome. Now is that DID like? Because...

It could be a very light... case of DID. Apparently DID can result from severe abuse...

But it's not severe at all.

Seriously.

I can tell you that there's no hidden memories. So.

It's just the psychological stuff I guess from my mum. Psychological violence.

I would like to be more whole... like... more one... because...

Well at least at this moment... like at this time in my life for already quite a while I've constantly been thinking about adopting like these... traits or moods to affect a situation. Because I know it works... and I know I can use it. I don't want medication for it. But yeah it keeps me kind of scared of myself as well.

Because uhm yeah sometimes there are abuse victims who got abused again and again over and over in their lives... but uhm... I... seem... to really be able to... so far... at least... keep that away from me...

And so it's like I have to hide. But I become so... uhm... focussed on...

Let's compare it to real hiding for example. In order to hide succesfully from guards for example (searching people... guards?... can't think of other ones)... you have to be able to at least... have imagination... as to what those people are sensing... seeing mostly... so you begin creating this picture... begin imagining what other people might be seeing... then you... uhm... look around yourself and using that imagination of the guard and your own perception you know that for example... a possible hiding place is behind a tree 20 yards away next to a fence... (don't know just thinking up of something)...

Now if you get really good at that... you've got like 2 realities to "work" with. One "first-person" reality and the other one the view from the person you want to hide from. Now...

Now change this whole comparison to mentally again.

Can you imagine (this is why I explained this and is the point I'm trying to make)... that I become so focussed on living inside these 2 realities... and it works... and I get away with it... and looking again at the text I wrote before (this post a little further up) in wich I just said I actually think I'm pretty good at avoiding certain social situations by "changing moods"... or well... more or less... it boils down to super split second acting skills... that uhm... I became scared of myself? In a sense that I lost myself. I don't know what I look like myself anymore...

I guess what the hell I'm trying to say is that I'm starting to lose myself... because it works....
I don't want to be myself or something apparently... it's very hard for me to keep...

[ Continued ]

Continuing along with writing from where I ended blog entry 10:

Along... with the fact that I felt like I didn't have a choice. And I did stuff I actually didn't want to do. If I think about it.

And basically I'm embarassed. I used to have an attitude a long time ago (when I still wasn't really concious of what had happened) like "there's nothing I have to be ashamed for" (quite funny if you think about it... that was the exact reason for me to feel good all the time)... "there's nothing I have done wrong, there's nothing wrong, it's all good". And I miss it. And it's quite funny how opposite that thought is from the truth.

Perhaps it's just age as well and just mental development. I know of mental developments in puberty and in the adolescent years a bit. I've heard one thing about it anyway. That's the fact that the main difference is that during puberty people in general uhm... are more... like... they still don't care as much about rules and stuff like that as much as other people do (except for even younger people perhaps, kids etc...). And it's a quite impulsive time in life. And uhm... basically I've also heard that that's the part that gets developed during my current age right now. Early 20's. Then you start developing real planning skills... somebody becomes aware of what consequences something might have and that they might be bad if they don't... take care...

I guess the impulsive stuff of puberty all gets like "punished" for in the adolescent years. But not linked or directly. But it's like because of all the impulsive stuff somebody suddenly understands that things... if done impulsively and without too much thinking... things can turn out to go a lot more differently than they were intended to go... (if that's even proper english)...

So in that respect I can interpret this as feeling as if I'm inside this rollercoaster ride that's powered by my own mental developed and... yeah... in fact... physical development I guess... but not of my body but of my mind.

I hope it'll probably flat out and become more even... uhm and not only that but also... a bit... better... all in all.

Also... my intention with this blog is very uhm... practical...

It's for my own good only. Uhm. To get going. And actually it will... I think... but I don't know...

Somewhere I feel like blogging is kind of a useless ocupation...

But there's so much mental stuff going on... that I don't feel safe anywhere else... And that I don't feel safe doing much else...

And basically that fear is kind of... true... like... I think it has a source (ofcourse it has, but I don't know how etc)...

And actually... the abuse... is like...

Some stuff is starting to get back to me...

As to why and how and reasons and stuff like that...

I feel like...

If I remember correctly and do my best...

It seems as if the 2 times... although my dad it could have been more... more than one awkward moment...

It seems as if it occurred in uhm...

Well I believe there's a possibility that I felt bad a lot for a long time anyway... because of other things... depressed mum etc... bullying... bullying of my sister (or maybe not bullying but just annoying me CONSTANTLY)...

But it's as if... uhm there are moments... well... not much...

But I believe...

(*Q&W@^#(&*!@#^)(#&(@

Damnit!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even write this down!!!!!!!

There were like instances of higher self-confidence... etc... and uhm... yeah... stuff like that...

For SECONDS!!!

It feels as if I've never been able to be safe with those feelings... because... yeah...

Leading up to the abuse... I feel with my mum for example... just before it happened... I don't remember clearly anymore... but uhm...

It's as if...

((*&#*!*Iing vampires. !@#($@!ing bloodsuckers!!!

I just know it is like this.

It's as if this feeling... my confidence... like... is used...

It's stripped away from me.

It's like my parents are like... "right, thanks...

[ Continued ]

So...

It's actually going a lot better today.

Steadily improving.

Today I was able to uhm describe my situation more accurately...

The point is... I believe like I can't say I have been abused.

But I'm bothered by the fact that I can't say I haven't been abused.

And that really really bothers me. I can't have trust in that. I can't trust that last thing...