***Trigger warning- mentions thoughts of death and suicide and self harm****

Ok so somehow... perhaps it makes sense that entry 13 is a very negative entry.

Ok so I'm getting really pessimistic... at the moment....

EXTREMELY PESSIMISTIC!

I don't know why or how.

But today I woke up with a thought inside my head that considering how evolution works... I think I'm getting punished for living. I can live! But I'll get punished for it. That's what I get in return. Punishment.

It seems like that's the way in wich evolution works.

But the point is... I'm not even that... positive about death or suicide...

I just feel stuck

I don't know if this helps but it feels right now as if I'm actually inside hell. Because...

I don't even want to die. It's like...

I can't even see the bright side of death anymore. I'm too pessimistic for it. I don't have faith in the future... but I don't have faith in death either.

I regret this. I regret this all. Every single thing in this universe. Every single freaking ######6 small ######6 thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY! THIS IS ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT. WHY!?!??! WHAT THE ###$ DO I EARN IT FOR?!??!?!

Even my life has been caused by or through selfishness from my parents. It's horror. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.I'm stuck.

Hope for me is just something there left to still be drained from me. I'm being tortured. I don't know by what. I don't know what for.

And my thought process... has...

Well I don't even have the guarantee that if I commit suicide... that this won't happen again anymore!!!

You know. I've once been dead. Officially. Already.

And so... what the ###$ am I doing then here?!

The universe seems like my enemy. Everything and nothing and a lack thereof and even more or less or whatever seems my enemy. Like my enemy.

Maybe pain... maybe torture itsself... is my friend... maybe I need to embrace it. Maybe I have to uhm... increase it all even a little bit further...

No not just a little bit. A whole lot worse. Like the most...

It's...

Perhaps I want to....

Perhaps I'm not going to kill myself. Perhaps one day I'll decide that I'll just finish it off... myself like... finish what others... or what SOMETHING ELSE... has started. And I will just torture myself. And begin exposing myself to the most ridiculous amounts of pain imagineable.

Can somebody actually die of pain? Or misery? Just DIE from it!?

Gosh...

It really makes me wonder.

You know who's also in the same situation as this? Cattle. Livestock. In farms.

They are trapped.

There once was a cow... and uhm... yeah... imagine one of your kids actually getting trapped uhm... imagine being a parent cow...

Maybe that's the misery I feel. Maybe it's just affecting me through food.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaa..

Just typing random stuff.

I can't take this Oh well. It will probably go away.

Or is that more of the hope...

Maybe I'm chained by hope.

Maybe hope are my chains... maybe hope is the lock... Maybe hope is the cage. Hope makes me continue with this.

Hope is what let's me...

Why am I even here in the first place...

Don't answer this.

I think if you find yourself dwelling on these thoughts to the point that you start to consider acting on them that you will need to get yourself some help from a professional. I would hate it if you acted on any of these thoughts, I really want you to keep yourself safe. You might even find it helpful to seek out the support of a good therapist earlier rather than later so that you can start to unravel the causes of such thoughts and hopefully give you more optimism for the future.