I have no energy and I do not really have goals in life. I like meeting friends but my envy of them is driving us apart and besides I already know what we are going to do or say anyway.

I am really spoiled; since I'm an only child my parents hAve more money to spend and a lot of it went to me in the past and now I sometimes get gifts as well. I think thats why I'm so emotionally attached to non-living objects and why shopping gives me such a high feeling. I do not shop much, I think: one or twice a month, but I spend every day looking at pretty clothes or make-up or whatever, thinking about how I can look more sophisticated, sexy or cute. I often dream about it too. Whenever I feel down, I act out my "daydreams", then I really buy things. I look at the price, though. I do not have a job, so I think its wrong to keep spending the borrowed money I got from the government because I have to pay it back and I am kind of ashamed of myself because I do not deserve it because I do not much for my study and I don't have a job. But I often think life is too short to decide if you deserve something or not. So I buy a lot of cheaper priced items, to be able to think "at least I don't spend 300 euro on a dress" but if you count it all these cheap items together are the same price I guess.
Because I get attached to clothes, I find it hard to sell them, but I sometimes have to, because I don't wear them and I need the money. Today I'm bleaching something that I dyed in the wrong color.
Then I hope I will be able to say goodbye to my cardigan soon. It helps when I find a new owner from which I know will take good care of it and wear it more than I did (once so that record isn't very hard to break) I will set the price not too low,I often do that but then it will attract buyers that sell it again or throw it into their closet and never wear it or something. It would be a bit heartbreaking. But hey, I have to see first if the bleach job went well. I hope I didnt ruined my cardigan with my indecisiveness. Ok I hope my cardigan survived the awful smelling bleach product....

TFYfdxujafdiudrfuidzdhcfv I need sleep, I am tired why don't I go to bed? I think its because I already stayed up WAY to late and now I'm in a "WHATEVER I RUINED EVERYTHING ANYWAY" mode.
And I am afraid tomorrow will be the same as today. And nobody cares. Well, my family does, and MAYBE my friends, but apart from them, nobody cares. David didnt do ANYTHING to win me back. I pleaded on my knees for him to forgive me around 10 times when we had an argument, and he doesnt do anything. Because thats what I'm worth to him. NOTHING. I knew it. I am not sad anymore like I said, I don't care about the damn piece of $#%^ that calls himself a guy. But I am ANGRY. He said I was special.
YEAH I AM THAT SPECIAL THAT YOU JUST LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I KNOW WHAT SPECIAL MEANS TO YOU! SURE LESS THAN I MEANT FOR ME!!!!!
Yeah I know I'm not the only one. This is life. $#%^ happens. But I bet that other people arent treated like this if they knew someone for three years.
NOTHING. NO EMAIL. NO SMS. NO MESSAGE ON MESSENGER. NOTHING.
NOOOOTTTTTTHHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG.
Sounds pretty haunting when you read it huh. I wish it would sound more impressive in real life. Do I have to send him a letter written with my own blood before he realizes what he has done? Do I have to threaten him with a knife? Well, I guess it doesnt matter. I have to "get over it". Like nothing happened. Like people actually care about me.... THEY DON't!!@!!!

I KNOW what regulates my mood, its the fact if I worked on my thesis or not
worked on my thesis: I was exaggerating when I felt bad, everything is sunny, I am able to live a normal life like everybody else, I can do it, I am so thankful, family will be proud
didnt work on my thesis: I am lazy I am terrible and ungrateful, I will never change, my life will never change, I will end as an homeless person, nobody loves me, I hate myself etc etc.

I finally know that my way of thinking is wrong; Its not that I now believe this self help #######4 crap (it depends on my mood) but I know what triggers my mood.
BUT WHY DON'T I DO ANYTHING FOR MY THESIS THEN?!
I wanted to be the thinnest when I had anorexia. They say people who are cured from anorexia have more self discipline because they are more competitive or something. Well, I am competitive, when I read how someone spends her whole day on studying I think
"I want to do that too. I want to be the one that studies the most".
But like today, when I already did other things like browsing the internet, I've got the feeling I can't concentrate anyway. So then I think "Tomorrow I'll start with my strict regime"
And of course I will not do it. I was so desperate, I wanted to punish myself for being so lazy. I always read here "blahblah its soo relievinng blahblah" so I grabbed a kitchen knife and tried to cut myself. But it just...didnt work. I scratched myself but SOMETHING prevented me from cutting deeper. I think it was the thought about my family. And then I got frustrated, cleaned the knife and said to myself "I can never be the best at cutting. So then I shouldnt do it at all". And I guess that was a wise decision. But now, I am still back at the beginning. There was a short moment of self-discipline, and I lost it almost right away. I have to focus on it, I know that. But its so hard. AAaaahhh why am I talking about "something thats hard" when theres war and homeless people and....NO!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!! Well I think I am not going to think anything right now, before it gets more and more depressive. At such moments, I need to clear my mind. But I hate these ######6 meditations. NOTHING happens when I try them. Yes, I almost fall asleep, thats all. Ugh. I cannot hear the words "Imagine you're in a quiet place...." anymore. Well, I know something that empties my mind. MUSIC. Thank the lord for music.

...Or privileged or whatever I must call it. Look at this. I've got:

- a lovely family, which does not include siblings but two parents that are together and are always caring/supportive grandmothers and maaannnyyy great nieces/nephews and aunts/uncles
- even though I do not have siblings I have one friend I know my whole life, and our parents are friends too, I see him as a brother, he is also an only child
- great friends
- finally a BIT self discipline thanks to my therapist
- a great house, I still live with my parents but thats less lonely and its a beautiful house with a big garden and a sweet norwegian forest cat (he came on my request) and I have soo many clothes and nice food etc etc my parents kind of spoil me but I always thank them for that
- a good appearance. looks are not everything but I know good as hell how diffocult it is when you are perceived as ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I used to get called ugly all the time (at middle/high school). But, now I do not get these remarks anymore, and I feel good because even though I do not have model height I have a cute face and body. It could be much worse so I love it
- I am healthy. I do not have a chronical illness or something.
- Even though I am not smart genetically, I have enough books laying around (and a library near) to feed my hunger of knowledge
- it are the small things that can make you really happy. Like, a sunny day, laughing together with others or a relativating thought.
- More like minded people in my topic than I ever would have guessed when I started it (to be honest I never expected any similar thinking people at all)
- the picture of Davids mommy, I know its completely ridiculous and crazy to be happy with that since I don't even know the damn woman, only thing I know she is my role model untill eternity (or untill I've got my own confident self ) because she is so full of contradictions, strong yet vulnerable, sweet & heartless, intelligent yet irrational, calm and calculated and hysterical and out of control, ying and yang blah blah but anyway I think the key to attractiveness is CONTRADiCTIONS. Someone with a lot of different sides. Its everything I aspire to be. I will be like her, one day

And...I do not have any contact with David anymore and this time I know its for real and I will finally be able to let him go, because:
- I do not even feel bad, or like I am the one thats given the short end. Because I feel I wasted enough time on this egoistic pathetic excuse for a man. It's so refreshing!
- I value myself over him, and this makes it impossible for me to be happy giving in again, giving him his way but devaluating myself. No, instead I will rest my case and thus giving him food for thought, regardless if he will think about it because thats not my problem. The thing is, I finally defended myself and I refused to let him make me upset. Why did it take so long?!! I never imagined it could feel good!

And I feel really happy because I am finally not REALLY scary of being happy. Maybe my fear will come later but right now I just remember the words on a website "just enjoy feeling happy even though others may feel bad, feeling bad will not make others happy and there is no "natural balance" and you will not get a car accident immediately after reaching happiness "
or whatever that website said but it was along these lines.
I stil can not really believe it and I NEED to do volunteer work or health care work or something but still it was a relieving website.