Tomorrow! HUZZAH. I'm no longer gonna be single. Life is weird. I never pictured myself with someone for the rest of my life. It still is hard to picture. I just know I never want to leave him if I can help it. So why not commit and actually work on staying with someone for the first time in my life?

I hope the honeymoon is a blast. I told him it better be romantic. It may be his second marriage, but it's still my first, and hopefully, only time I become a bride.

Oh no, I'm still crazy... I just am forcing myself to cope better. Not having to work really really helps with that. My kids also push me to try and stay strong, but I have plenty of moments where I'm not doing well. Let's just say things were ridiculous not even a full year ago. I finally had the realization while pregnant for the second time, that I needed to change a lot about myself. There was a reason I couldn't seem to stay in a relationship with anyone. This relationship almost failed as well, but I finally realized that I needed to put more effort into things if I truly loved someone. Letting the chips fall where they may was not a good method to love, believe you me. I should've fought harder for my past relationships, but I gave up before anything had even happened yet. I was too busy burying myself in negative thoughts and making no effort to be a person worth being with.

That's changed now though. Because I want to be a person worth knowing and talking to. ♥

I finally thought it was time to clear out the e-mails and ghosts of the past. I had been hoarding messages and letters from those I used to love... But I can't live there anymore, even though it is a melancholy thing to realize things will never be the same as years ago. There is only the future now, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I see this engagement ring, and picture loving this man for the rest of my life and it makes me smile. Reflecting on the past is bittersweet, because there were so many good things, and I actually have been dwelling on those rather than the bad. I still can hold grudges, but the tears aren't from anger and bitterness anymore. They're from the sad realization that the people we were in the past no longer exist. The change happened gradually, and sometimes it's hard to accept that everything is no longer the way it was.

I would never trade my experiences in love, pain, and stupidity. They have shaped me the way I am, and given me so much in life that I could never have gained without those events. I am grateful for everything... the tears, the anger, the rejection, and of course the joy. There definitely was joy, even if it doesn't always seem like there was. I can only hope that my future can be so filled with the same kind of variety of things that have given me the wisdom and maturity that I have today.

I can't even remember the last time I was so excited, happy, and full of love. The thought of him returning makes me so happy.

Now I've gotten all those Journal entries in here.

At the moment I'm doin' pretty good. I've been reading a book lately. 'When Rabbit Howls" It's a really good book. A true story written by a woman with Multiple Personality Disorder. She has at least 90 different personalities, and they all pull together to write the story. Reading is really helping me get through things without being on the computer all the time. I feel less secluded when reading, since I can do it wherever I want instead of being stuck by an outlet.

Well, I got a call on Sunday from my fiance. He really wants to come home. They did a psyche evaluation on him and the woman told him that he was "egotistical to the point of delusion" ... not sure what exactly she was getting at. His response was, "Yeah, I knew I was awesome." It's made me wonder though, is there anything wrong with him mentally?? Maybe that's why he can put up with me. Haha. I can't wait for him to get home though. I miss him so much.