Thankfully, im still doing well. Ive learned to let go of the guilt a bit better but sometimes, like today, i feel guilty because i wonder whether im doing something wrong right now. Even if i start to feel a little better about my past mistakes i fear i might be making more mistakes in the present day.

Im just so scared of what people would think of me and my actions because i know theres so many self righteous people on the internet (mainly on places like tumblr) that will judge others for everything and will always find a way to make you feel like what you used to think was normal is somehow creepy or gross. I now know they were right about some things, like sexualizing underage characters being wrong and the porn industry taking advantage of the actresses. But there are other things i dont really agree with and that makes me feel like im somehow a bad person.

I know this is mainly just me being afraid of being judged and wanting to be considered a good person by everyone and my self esteem and self worth issues in general rather than me questioning my own morals again but i cant help feeling a bit bad about it.

Its not even that ive been reading anything too inappropriate lately, maybe just some dubcon and ive only read nsfw stuff with characters over 18. Sometimes i even feel guilty over my opinions, like for example, i wonder if the fact that i dont see ddlg as wrong makes me a bad person because everyone is so against it. And i dont really get it because everyone seems to be ok with things like daddy kink. Is it because ddlg gets a lot more into the whole ageplay roleplay? Is calling your boyfriend daddy okay but getting into ddlg is crossing some sort of line?. I really dont get it. Maybe im wrong because it is roleplaying after a father and their child in a sexual scenario but on the other hand its between consenting adults... Ive never been one to judge others based on that but maybe i should if i want to be a good person.

I know this sounds really creepy but i genuinely wonder what "normal" people get off to. If real life pornography is bad because they force the actresses to do things they normally wouldnt consent to and fictional pornography is bad because many of them explore problematic things then whats left? Do these self righteous people really abstain themselves from most things out there and are only able to handpick the few ones they deem 100 percent unproblematic or are they just hypocrites and they secretly read/watch the same things they claim to hate?

I really wish i didnt have these types of problems. I feel like im just annoyed at my feelings at this point, its been months of feeling like this. I wish i didnt have to live in all these fantasies but i honestly dont know how else to entertain myself, id miss it too much if i just quit reading fanfiction entirely, even though it sends me on these guilt trips every once in a while.
I dont even know how to talk about all of this with my therapist because id have to explain to her what things like daddy kink or ddlg are and that would be too humilliating. But i know she said that if i happen to think something is okay now and then later on i decide its wrong, then thats okay and i dont have to feel bad about not making an immediate decision and changing my mind later on.

Ahh, i know ill probably grow out of all of this and it will all seem smaller and much less dramatic when im older. So ill try my best to worry less for now.

If your therapist has been around any, I'd be surprised if she was completely unaware of your sexual kinks! Maybe even that you have them, but at least, she will have heard them from other people, or read of them. dont' you think?

I know people who don't look at porn, at all! To me, that's 'normal' people, also. As far as what people who do look, look at, I'm not sure where the lines are, except when they cross from legal to illegal porn. I've always liked the saying, It's only kinky the first time..... If what you're looking at isn't illegal, and if you aren't of the mind that it will spur you to do something illegal, then myself, I wouldn't worry about it... except the worry that it becomes a sexual requirement to get off with another person. It's one thing to have kinks, it's another to be chained to them, a prisoner of something you can't get along without. That wouldn't be good. For that reason alone I'd be suggesting to back off something.