Have tried to blog many times in the last few days but i can't really find the words i want ....

.....

*So i can't sleep prob getting about 3hrs a night compared to the 10 or so i was starting to get regularly.
*I have no appetite or am regularly binging
*I am cutting again
*I am withdrawn
*I feel a constant melancoloy feeling
*I feel like crying all the time yet feel numb and empty
*I feel alone and isolated
*I feel that all i do is let people down and disapoint them
*Haven't been taking meds i NEED to get better at this and i am trying but i'm crap at doing it

I am going to a wedding at the weekend and i should be excited about it because of who it is that is getting wed, but i am completely dreading it. I dread the unhelpful comments that will come from people like when are you gonna get yourself a boyfriend, when will you get married, you need to hurry up or else you won't be able to have children! Geee thanks just what i need to hear! ..... I was meant to be a bridesmaid but i had to not be one because of how unwell i have been and now i feel completely shut out of the wedding and although my sister who was also meant to be a bridesmaid but no longer is they have kept her involved and asking her to help out with bits and pieces but now its like they don't want me to be there or part of it. I think that some of those thoughts and emotions are illness talking rather than reality but its kinda what i feel. I'm trying to sew them a little pressie to go with other things i have bought them so this is keeping me occupied!

I was so proud of myself because i hadn't SH'd in 5weeks and then last week its like well hello now i remember and now i can't stop. My thoughts are scaring me because i know where they led me last time and what happened. When i was in the shower this morning the thoughts of them not being good enough or deep enough were running through my head. So now i feel like i need to do them but more and deeper. I phoned my CPN becuase i promised a couple of friends that i would and she was like what do you want me to do to help. I was like i dunno i'm only ringing because i told my friends i would ..... I guess in reality there isn't anything she or anyone else can do i am in control of my own destiny and my choices that i need to make ..... she did utter the words day hospital to which i was very adament i did not and will not ever need again. I am NOT going back there things aren't quite that bad but i don't want them to be. SH is apart of me it is part of my story but i don't want it to be who i am forever more i want it to be in my past not in my present or my future ..... She is going to ring me later in the week and i have an appointment to see her on friday too. I am going to make sure i am using alternatives i need her to know how hard i'm trying not to do it but at the same time i am not always doing it for the relief of emotion but becuase in a weird way i like it ..... do other people feel like that too or am i complete freak???? Either way i know its not a good thing. I have started making a comfort box filled with things that make me feel better or make me smile or things that other people have written for me to remind me of what they think so i have been utilising this ALOT lately .... it does make me smile but it doesn't change whats going on in my head.......

I don't know what SH means but my heart breaks for you reading your post here. You reached out to me on a post that I made here (first post). I thought you were so kind to take the time to let me know you'd write the next day that I stopped at your blog to 'meet' you. Keep writing, it is a good way to cleanse yourself, I have figured that much out. My prayers, Jeanne