I am normally a very avid journal writter but have decided i might give this abit of a go sometimes just being able to get things out there and know that other people have a vague idea of what is floating through my jumbled up mind helps me. Not that i want tea and sympathy or necessarily lots of comments but just to be able to get it out there. Also i often use bits of my journal to communicate difficult things either with my family and one very close friend and sometimes my cpn i have recently found that that has stopped me writting somethings. So i'm gonna have a go and see what happens. I doubt i'll do it everyday my life really isn't that interesting but we'll see what happens ..... and i appologise now for my horrendous spelling and grammer!

Today has been a better day than yesterday i was a very moody so and so .... and was really struggling with the thoughts running through my head. Today i went to see my grandparents with my dad for lunch which was lovely i decided i needed to tell them what was going on in my life and about my SH as we will be at a wedding soon and i didnt want them to see my scars and be shocked and also it felt like i was expecting my family to keep it a secreet and whilst i dont want everyone to know my business i dont want it to feel like a secreet anymore because for me that just adds to the shame and embarrassment i already feel. I was petrified about how they would react but my grandma was lovely just said how sorry she was that i felt this bad and she didnt expect me to explain the reasons for it etc etc which was mega helpful because i'm not really in a place to be able to do that.

Saw my gorgeous godsons this afternoon and played a gazillion games with the youngest then we made pizza for tea and did bedtime stories and reading books etc with them. Such fond memories for when they grow up and don't want me to do that anymore in fairness the eldest of the 2 isn't all that bothered by playing games etc he would much rather build a lego creation! They always make me smile and i always leave feeling good.

Anyways ramble over and heading to bed for some sleep hopefully.