So today my plan is to keep myself busy .... I have seen my CPN this morning and we went for a coffee and made a few plans of things i want to try and achieve and i actually managed to be pretty honest with her about how things really are. I have been struggling with taking my meds for various reasons and it started off as forgetting but it did become more of a choice. As a nurse i know the importance of making sure meds are taken when they are prescribed and regularly for them to work and do their job blah blah blah ... some how i was able to rationalise all this out and decided that actually i was an exception to that rule and it didn't apply to me. On monday evening my friends gave me a telling off for want of a better phrase and i have made a huge effort to make sure i am taking them everyday ... so far so good and they are going to keep asking me if i am or not no matter how annoying i think they are I also gave my cpn my new supply of blades as i bought them last week and was convinced that i would have to use them to get through but they remained unopened and i decided that afterall i didn't want/ need them so i feel pretty proud of myself.

So now im home from cpn visit i feel really tired despite a good sleep last night ... this is an unususal thing for me as i normally am a rubbish sleeper and have lots of nightmares but in the last maybe 2weeks i have only had one nightmare and generally most nights have a pretty good sleep. But when i wake up i'm still knackered which is annoying. So when ive done this i want to do some baking to keep myself occupied. I think im going to bake some white choc and cranberry cookies and then some mini raspberry and white choc cheescakes which are delicious they however are for a friend .... I'm also in the middle of moving out of my flat so i aim to go and pick up teh rest of my clothes and pack my remaining things and then next week i can go and give it a really good clean ready for the estate agent to complete teh inspection .... i don't think i actually have too much left to do or at least thats what i'm hoping.

Tonight i am gonna hang out with a friend and go into town i think which i'm really looking forward to i really love spending time with her .... shes been amazing through all of this well actually through everything that has ever happened i think ive known her since i was 6/7 so thats like 20yrs! she knows me so well and asks all the direct difficult questions but actually i really love that about her .... shes a real gem!

Have started the ball rolling with putting a claim in for benefits so just need to wait and see what happens with that and spoke with my manager at work yesterday. I really like her shes been really supportive and really wants to help i just need to wait to occupational health who i absolutely detest seeing and they always make me feel terrible and come out with the most insensitive comments to say that they are doctors! Hoping to go back in janurary but everyone keeps saying lets just see how things are going ... i really miss work and the people i work with though ... the other thing is i'm not entirely sure what job im actually going back to do at the moment.

Well i'm gonna go and start baking and see what happens and hope i don't run out of energy!