Called my campus psych center today, they're full until Dec 3rd, which I'm not on campus that day.

Told them i'd call a private doctor, I won't. Just me, myself, and I until I either stabilize or crash and burn.

They asked if i'd been thinking of hurting myself/others. I lied. Technically it was true at the moment, I wasn't thinking of it.... but i had earlier.

Still getting paranoid thoughts. I think I slept. Not sure anymore. Was either today or yesterday.

Might be sad, can't tell. Feel like crying. Felt normal-ish earlier, except for the paranoia. Moments of dissociation. I am me, but I am not. Kind of like a movie. A very boring one.

I don't know why I bother. I know that medication is the answer. Can't. Won't. Should just give up.

Minimal paranoia today. Just moments of it. Back to reality now.

i don't feel sad, just numb and empty, like crying. I won't. But I feel like it.

I really wish there were a way to get rid of all of these scars. I feel like if I could act/dress normal, maybe I could be normal.

Its so hard to pretend to be normal when I know how messed up I am.

I can try to cover it up, but it's still there. And if I ever decide to have kids, I'll have to explain it.

Not that anyone would ever want to have kids with me. I'm unstable, ugly, scarred, and i'm not sure my awesome points make up for that.

Lets add stupid onto that, I checked my college progress, and I have successfully turned a 2 year program into 3 and a half years.... All because I can''t manage more than 9 credits when i'm this unstable

I only pulled in 5 credits this semester IF i pass everything else. My math class isn't even required, its just a prerequisite that doesn't actually count towards my degree.

God knows how i'll pass technical physics lower AND upper level.

I'm only going to school so my parents can't say i'm doing nothing all day every day.

I mean, I'd like to be independent, but I'd much rather be dead. Is that horrible??

(un)fortunately I've been involuntarily committed, so I can't purchase a gun anymore. Wasn't thinking when I did that....

So there goes that. Will have to find another way if I ever do it. Hoping to get hit by a drunk driver or something. Spontaneous combustion, random heart attack... Something.

I used to REALLY just hate my family, I wish I'd just killed myself while I didn't care about how it would affect them. I care too much now. I don't know if I can ever do that to them.

It kind of makes me fearless. Like, I know if someone were to try to rob me at gunpoint, I would insult them to make them shoot me. ###$ handing my s**t over to him. They can have it, as long as they kill me first.

I feel like a mute. I haven't spoken to anyone in a long time. Actually spoken to. More than "yes, no, fine, okay, e=mc^2"

Yeah, almost mute.

I've just never trusted ANYONE in life completely. Not enough to just vent or talk about my own problems.

Once upon a time i had friends, but they really liked that I cut. So I kept cutting. Not a healthy relationship. After that, everyone I met that I would regularly run into, were just acquaintances. I haven't had a "friend" in.... 8 years??

Long time. My therapist used to tell me I needed friends to "anchor me to reality". Which I'm sure works, but I don't wanna deal with people's bulls**t drama, and I don't want them to deal with mine.

So, I stay far away.

I also used to take meds, but I decided that I enjoyed the rollercoaster more than the dull boringness of stability about 5 months ago. And i'm not looking back. (or trying not to)

I think as time goes on I may accept that I NEED medication, but I don't think I'll ever go back to it.

Maybe just sleeping pills for when I can't sleep. Nothing daily though. That's such bulls**t!!

As I write this I feel like if anyone knew this, they'd lock me in a hospital and force medication on me.

I don't think its true, because i'm not a clear and present danger to myself/others. But I feel this way.

All I ask is that they let me finish this semester before they lock me up

I just want someone to talk to. That's it. And I want them to give a f**k. I know that's asking a lot, because when I speak, people just jump to "you need medication."

And I would honestly rather be crazy than take meds.

But I don't think that should mean that I have to be crazy alone. Lol.

Everyone I try to talk to just doesn't care, they don't understand, or they suggest medication.

I've been thinking about going to my college campus psychological counseling center, but there's only four weeks left in this semester, so i don't think it would be worth it really.

Then at least I could tell her i'm just there to vent, not to get advice/suggestions on coping/medication/bullsh**t.

Thing is, I honestly don't mind the rollercoaster, it adds life to my life. But sometimes it can get overwhelming, where I just need someone to tell all this to.

That's for another post though.

12 pm and I'm getting thoughts of self harm and suicide.

Sane me tells me to sleep it off.

Bipolar me tells me to stay up and cut.

I have nothing to be sad about.... but I feel sad, empty, numb.. just calm.

Must sleep before I do something I can't undo.

I'm going to fail my college elective. I expect this, and I'm kind of bummed about it.

I just can't do it... Between switching from mania/depression and the suicide/self harm thoughts, plus all my other 10 credits this semester, I'm stretched so thin, not to mention trying to sleep a little at least.

I really like this class, but I can't do it.

Its a violin class, so the dedication required is just too much for me at the moment.

May just call the instructor and ask him to withdraw me cuz he's gonna fail me flat out anyhow. Try to use what i've learned thus far to keep improving on my own, and if I feel better next semester, try again.

Cuz atm i feel like i've hit a spot I can work with until January when the spring semester starts. That way I'm more prepared, and possibly less symptomatic.

Yeah. I like that idea.

Other than that, my other classes are still salvageable and/or doing good. I just need to lessen this load a bit. Especially since I refuse medication.

And the guy I like is trying to handle my crazy XD
How sweet. I wish him luck. I can hardly handle it.

What I mean is he's trying to be patient and take it as it comes, while his method isn't perfect yet, he's doing okay.

I just have to try and keep rational and not project my crazy onto him.

Things have settled down a bit, I feel relatively normal today. I'm going to take it as a sign that things are improving until I see otherwise.