I saw an 80" TV when I was out yesterday shopping at lunch. I've never gone shopping at lunch before, it was cool. Actually it was cool just to be able to say I did ANYTHING mundane and normal, since I haven't for a very long time.

Anyway, here in Canada that TV is going for $5,300.00 + tax. Between listening to the salesman try to get me to sign up for their 'easy credit' card to purchase it, and my apologies to him for all the drool on his floor, I got to thinking.

I intend to save up $5,300.00 and buy that sucker. For me. As a 1 year gambling free present. Thanks to the way things work today, by then I'll be able to buy a 100 incher for less, but whatever, I have a new goal.

As I walked away from the salesman (who was disappointed to only ring up a $60.00 purchase from me) I was in awe of the following facts.

In the last year, I have had over TEN gambling jags where I spent over $5,000.00. I could have TEN of those TV's in my home right now and not be worse off than I am. How is that possible? I don't make good enough money to buy ONE $5,000.00 TV in a year, let alone 10. How was I able to spend that kind of money gambling?

3 things come to mind:

1) Debt. I took myself to the brink (more than once) and God only knows how I managed to keep my head above water.

2) Winnings. When I calculate out what I spent last year, I have to admit a large chunk was from winnings that I just COULDN'T cash out and take, no matter how many promises I made.

3) Every last penny from my pay that didn't go to rent or bills (and sometimes even those).

Now, I'm paying off my debt. It's going to take a while. According to my budget, it will be at least 3 years before I'm truly in the black and able to enjoy the money I work for. I intend to do it smart and make sure I have spending cash, grocery money and all my bills up to date, so really, 3 years isn't horrible. It just SEEMS like forever. But when I look back at the last 3 years, I'm reminded how 'forever' could have turned out (and still can, if I'm not careful & determined), and that re-adjusts my attitude.

So, then. WHERE in my budget can i afford a $5,000.00 TV? Okay, maybe I can't. But I can start saving $100.00 a month (which I'm doing) in a TV fund and see where it goes. I'm going to add any extra money I save out of my monthly budget as well. It may end up taking more than a year (don't you love my optimism? ) but so what? I know that I'll have a choice next year either way. Buy a TV with what savings I have or extend the deadline.

Here's the important thing I'm taking from this. If I stay on the straight and narrow, I'm going to have something FAR more important than a TV next year. I'm going to have choices. I can't remember the last time gambling gave me one of those. Maybe that's because it doesn't. Ever.

I'M giving me that. Every day that I don't gamble, I'M giving me choices. It's still early, and I'm still nervous, but all I have to do is not gamble today. That's it. I know I can do that now, and unlike gambling, THIS is something I can get better at. Today, I will not gamble.

Setting this (admittedly frivolous) goal is energizing! I think that's the trick when you're fighting an addiction. I NEED something to focus my attention on that's positive, not negative. It's probably going to help during the times I feel low and hopeless. Sort of a lifeline to grab on to when I'm getting tired of treading water. I hope so, anyway. The way my brain works, I desperately need to be able to have SOMETHING to think about that invigorates me when the ache for gambling hits.

I (as you may have noticed) have spent a lot of time planning strategy ahead of issues I know will come. It matters. I'm not strong enough to be surprised without having a plan for 'being surprised'. I've got a good job, thank God, but I've even thought about what I'd do if I lost it. I have to make damned sure that...

[ Continued ]