lol no. but yeah, bit different than my last few posts.

I'm feeling pretty ok at the moment. My daywalk (see [7]) really helpt getting things worked out in my mind. And I made a few descisions.

I'm going to my psych again monday. Since the only way I seem to get at least a bit in touch with my true feelings about anything, is by listning to music, I decided to leave on my ipod (one ear in, other out) at least at the beginning of the session.

That's one.

The second one is that I've made up a list. A list of things I feel I need to say to my psych. These things are:
- How I feel about him as a therapist
- why I need to have the music on during the session
- what last week's session did to me, how I felt and how I feel now
- with that: what he did really well and where he went wrong (not really wrong, but he was too kind and too considerate)
- how I feel about his personal story he told me (it really broke a lot of ice for me, he is more a person now instead of this distant therapist)
- what the daywalk did for me and how. And what my feelings are about it
- I have the answers to the questions he asked
- I know now what I feel about my father and how to express it
- I know now what I feel about my mother and how to express it
- what last week's session combined with the daywalk did with my view and perspective on myself
- and a few little things/left overs
- and then tell him he can ask what he wants, I'll answer, and after that we can continue from where we were last week.

I'm gonna aks - no, tell - him that I need the first 15-20 minutes of the session to tell him a few things (the list). I'm gonna ask him not to interrupt. He can write down what he wants ofcourse, but to wait with is questions and remarks untill I'm finished.

I feel I need to do this. I feel this will help me a lot. But Oh I Do Need To Have The Music On My Ears
He won't mind one bit because he knows how important music has always been for me and what it did and how it kept me sort of sane. To be honest, he probably sooner be proud and compliment me that:
- I found a way for now to help me get in touch with my feelings/emotions
- that I dare using it (sort of) in 'public'
- warn me that I should be aware not to stay dependent on that, and find a way to get in touch with my feelings without the aid of the ipod (he wont say it but hint at it )

Ah well. Anyways, I got a plan and I'm going to try... NO! I will keep myself to that plan and I will execute it!

Have a good weekend everyone.

Ok, so I went to my psych yesterday. And omg how increadably angry did I walk away from him at the end of the hour.

This went terrible. It started off with him recapping what we talked about last week with the photo's. He said that he agrees with me to not want to see my brother when he gets out of jail.
(my brother performed sexual actions with a toddler and is in jail for it now)
I said I didn't want to for a couple of reasons, one of them being: I have enough on my mind getting my life together dealing with my past, he has done the same thing as my father has with me, I will not be able to handle that and help him to get help or something.

He said that my brother most likely has issues which he should seek professional help with and he understands fully that I don't want to help him with that. My psych said: 'If we are confronted with a person who has done those things, it draws a major challenge on us / has a big impact on most of us, and we are so called professionals who are trained to deal with it. We have our ways and means to help ourselfs and are also required to use them. Imagen what it would be like for you if you have to deal with it while dealing with your own challenges at this moment'
(sorry for this crappy bit of English, he used a few proverbs and sayings which are difficult for me to translate with the right ''feel'')

And then he started talking about my father. He challenged me to express my feelings about the abuse, came up with different kind of tactics, but all it did was that i closed up more and more. He tried two things: getting me to express my feelings and acknowledge that I'm not worthless and deserve to be here, that the abuser is the one that was worthless

And saying it like that, I do not do him justice, because he did exactly the right thing. Where he went wrong is where he stopped. I started to get angry (which he saw) and I saw him balancing in how far he could go to push me into expressing myself. Well to cut a very long story short: he stopped to soon and went for a different approach.

That soothe me and he eventually got a lot of information out of the answers I gave after that.

But what really struck me is what I realized (a few hours later when I was home) what was really going on with me during the session.
a) I got mad at him, then at myself for being mad at him while he did nothing wrong
b) at one point he said: ''well, don't you think he's a squalid and discusting peace of $#%^?'' And the only thing I could thing of was: your a man, why should you care if I do or if I don't,
That thought, that thought really really frightend me. Why the hell do I thing that? And why of him? I could see in his eyes, his tone of voice, his posture, everything that he really meant it.
c) I could tell him. Not what I thought, not what I felt.
d) what I felt was: when I think of my father the only thing i feel is total disgust, revulsion and loathing. So much I feel like throwing up. It makes me instantaneous nausea.
e) the only way I can feel is through external stimuli. I need music to feel what I really feel, to actually feel it. I need a full soccer stadion to feel excited, I need a psych who gets pushy to make me acknowledge that I CAN feel anything

to much has happend that hour to put it al down, so it is not really coherent. Ah well.

Today I took the day off and took a good long walk in the woods to get things sorted out in my head. And that worked really well. Yesterday I was so extreemly angry and scared and dissapointed. Now I know what was going on, what is going on. Now I know what I can tell him monday.
Big relief and I feel way, way, way better than I did last night

Take care

A week that started with big ups and ended in an emotional big down.

All in all I had a great week looking at the things I done. Going out to dinner with friends, my fav. team won and I was in the stadion, things at work went absolutely great so nothing to complain there. And emotionally the first three days of this week were pretty great. But, as I told in my previous blog (mission failed) the last few days my 'up' went down a steep hill.

(hmmm, from now on I'm gonna number my blogs for an easier reference)

And now. Now i'm very scared. Tomorrow I'm going to my psych again. My head bulges out with thoughts and I don't know where to start when I'm there. So much has come up, so much has happened in my mind. Many questions, many uncertainties, many memories. Where to start? I'm so confused right now.

And on top of it all off, there is an unanswered issue between my psych and me. I'll explain:

In my fifth session (somewhere in june) I told my psych about one of my biggest fears at that moment. That fear was that he would show me the door telling me that I shouldn't be a baby because there's nothing wrong with me, my life is in order, I have no big issues, I should just pick myself up, toughen up, and get on with my life, anything but not waste his valuable time. That he has patients that really need him.

I was very scared to tell him, afraid he would laugh at me and he would confirm my thoughts. But instead he told me he was very proud that I thrusted him enough to tell him. I was very surprised (and a tiny bit releaved) and then he told me that there is another issue. That he might not be working at the partnership after januari 1st (2014). He said he would know somewhere in september/october.

At the time the releaf was bigger than this news. Also because the news wasn't part of my fear. My fear was rejection. This wasn't rejection but something that might occur outside of my influence.

But now it is october. And now I'm scared. He hasn't mentioned it since. And although it sometimes crossed my mind, all of a sudden since two days it is the biggest thing I want to know. I'm soooooo terrified he will tell me that he'll be gone in a few months. He is helping me so very well. I don't want to think about the possibility that he will move me to someone else (my psych is from another county, where he will be going back to if his employement stops).

Hell, if it is going to happen, I'm really considering to drive all the way to his country if I have to. It is just a 2,5 hour drive, and I (luckely) have the means (money) to pay him myself (my insurance pays for my care now).

I feel like I"m babbling all confused and all. So i'm sorry if I don't make much sence. I guess this blog is mostly a way for me to vent.

I hope, really really hope I have the courage to ask him of his future plans. Keep my fingers crossed and I'll let you guys know...

take care as I will try to.

So the cheery mood is mostly gone.

When I woke up this morning it was a drag. Stupid thing is, that because of the couple of good days I just had, I only became more aware of all the things that have been wrong in the past.

Memories seem to be on a battlefield all together, fighting about who can pop up first to taunt me and haunt me. Scary thing with this is that the memories of things I sort of forgot about win these battles.

So in short since yesterday evening I've been overthrown with forgotten memories and most of them are nasty. A lot of the memories are sort of in-depth memories of the fact-memories. With this I mean for instance: I knew I was sexually abused and with what actions, but didn't really remember the actual moments and how that went. And it scares me, because with these memories popping up I realise that some things were more horrible than I (wanted to) remember.

Other memories are things I flat out had forgotten about at all. A few of these I will write down here, so I cannot ignore them. I need to remember these memories so I can deal with them as well.

I cannot put them in a spoiler for possible triggers, so be aware that they might trigger:

- I've seen my dad kill in front of me. The whole scene, setting and atmosphere is very vivid.
- I've been raped by my dad. The one sexual act I thought that never happend, did happen
- i've been kicked out of the house to live / sleep on the streets multiple times, facing some horrific things during nighttimes, at a very young age (6-10)
- i've had a near death experience age 10, while in the driver's seat of the car, next to my drunk dad who raced over the road, then he passed out, and I had to get the car safely to stop. Imagen how a 10-year old kid has to do that... It was 100% thinking on my feet, 99% luck and 1% skill that we both survived that.
- getting my drunk and violent dad out of hostile pubs in really bad neighbourhoods. Things that happend then... nah.

Anyways. i was really feeling good for a few days. So I will hold on to that because it's an incentive that all is not lost, that I still have it in me to be ok with myself and things around me in present time. But for the moment I'm just really glad that I'm going to my psych again this monday so I can vent.

Thanks for reading.

....wow!

I've been wanting to post sooner how it all went with the photo's (see previous blog), but both the surprising outcome as a few really heavy and long days @ work prevented me to do so.

Still don't have much time, but here's a small update for those who are interested .

The session started off with talking about his new laptop (which I noticed and made a remark about) and that chit chat was with a lot of little jokes from both him and me. So the atmosphere was set lol.

Anyways, he saw I had brought along the photo's and asked if I wanted to talk about them. Long story short, out of the approx 12 pictures we only talked about the first two. And somehow - instead of making me feel uncomfortable or bad or something - it started to cheer me up.

As the day progressed I started feeling more uplifting by the hour until a state of really feeling good. I hadn't felt like that in many many years! I walked around constantly with a smile, went to bed with it and YES!!!! I stood up with that same smile the next morning feeling just as good as I did the day before!

(usually after a session I have 2-3 really horrible days, wearing off a little in de 2 days after that to enter into a mediocre kind of feeling, bit numb and inspireless)
That feeling stayed the whole day and today I still feel pretty good. A bit less than yesterday, but still pretty ok! I´m very happy with that. I hope I can hold this at least a little bit until monday, when I have my next session and we will continue with the photo´s.