Ok, so I went to my psych yesterday. And omg how increadably angry did I walk away from him at the end of the hour.

This went terrible. It started off with him recapping what we talked about last week with the photo's. He said that he agrees with me to not want to see my brother when he gets out of jail.
(my brother performed sexual actions with a toddler and is in jail for it now)
I said I didn't want to for a couple of reasons, one of them being: I have enough on my mind getting my life together dealing with my past, he has done the same thing as my father has with me, I will not be able to handle that and help him to get help or something.

He said that my brother most likely has issues which he should seek professional help with and he understands fully that I don't want to help him with that. My psych said: 'If we are confronted with a person who has done those things, it draws a major challenge on us / has a big impact on most of us, and we are so called professionals who are trained to deal with it. We have our ways and means to help ourselfs and are also required to use them. Imagen what it would be like for you if you have to deal with it while dealing with your own challenges at this moment'
(sorry for this crappy bit of English, he used a few proverbs and sayings which are difficult for me to translate with the right ''feel'')

And then he started talking about my father. He challenged me to express my feelings about the abuse, came up with different kind of tactics, but all it did was that i closed up more and more. He tried two things: getting me to express my feelings and acknowledge that I'm not worthless and deserve to be here, that the abuser is the one that was worthless

And saying it like that, I do not do him justice, because he did exactly the right thing. Where he went wrong is where he stopped. I started to get angry (which he saw) and I saw him balancing in how far he could go to push me into expressing myself. Well to cut a very long story short: he stopped to soon and went for a different approach.

That soothe me and he eventually got a lot of information out of the answers I gave after that.

But what really struck me is what I realized (a few hours later when I was home) what was really going on with me during the session.
a) I got mad at him, then at myself for being mad at him while he did nothing wrong
b) at one point he said: ''well, don't you think he's a squalid and discusting peace of $#%^?'' And the only thing I could thing of was: your a man, why should you care if I do or if I don't,
That thought, that thought really really frightend me. Why the hell do I thing that? And why of him? I could see in his eyes, his tone of voice, his posture, everything that he really meant it.
c) I could tell him. Not what I thought, not what I felt.
d) what I felt was: when I think of my father the only thing i feel is total disgust, revulsion and loathing. So much I feel like throwing up. It makes me instantaneous nausea.
e) the only way I can feel is through external stimuli. I need music to feel what I really feel, to actually feel it. I need a full soccer stadion to feel excited, I need a psych who gets pushy to make me acknowledge that I CAN feel anything

to much has happend that hour to put it al down, so it is not really coherent. Ah well.

Today I took the day off and took a good long walk in the woods to get things sorted out in my head. And that worked really well. Yesterday I was so extreemly angry and scared and dissapointed. Now I know what was going on, what is going on. Now I know what I can tell him monday.
Big relief and I feel way, way, way better than I did last night

Take care