So here we are.

Drinking whiskey (mind the 'e', so Irish, yes) and feeling tipsy by now.
Apparently I need that at this moment. Need it to numb a bit of all that I'm feeling right now. Simply because I cannot handle it. Not now. Need some more time to adjust.

(oh, blog moderator: you can approve this post, I won't regret it tomorrow I'm not drunk or loosing it or something ).

So what it comes down to is this:

after visiting my shrink the other day, I did something I would never think I would do.
I drove up to my (as I know now) best friends' house. Drove up there with my heart pounding out of my chest out of anxiety. I parked the car and rang the door. First there was no answer so I rang it again. Her husband (a really good and cool guy) opened the door and let me in.

I went up and when I saw my friend I gave her a big hug. A hug. Me. The person who never did anything remotly like that. Never showed any affection to anyone. My shrink will be proud when I tell him next week.

But after that everything sort of went down hill. Every bit of stabiltiy I new or ever felt.... well it feels like it has disappeared. Every sence of sureness, everything i new that kept me secure and safe and feel protected seems lost.

All kinds of feelings are going trough me and I don't now what is happening. I cannot address all that I am feeling. I cannot place them. I cannot seem to channel them into manageable pieces. They flow through me relentlessly.

So now what, you might wonder.

Well now I'm lying to people who care about me. What did I do you might wonder? Well nothing dramatic. But I feel bad enough about it anyways.

It started yesterday. I felt really... well lonely I guess is the best periphrasis. I just didn't wanna see anyone. Not talk to anyone. Wanted to have time for myself. And not just one day, but the whole weekend. I felt like: if I mingle with people I'll go nuts!

So I decided to call of the lessons I was supposed to give (togehter with 4 others, so they can easely do it without me) and call of my own training. The excuse I gave is that I was feeling sick and was coming down with a fever. Those were lies. No I don't feel ok, but i'm not sick and I'm not anywhere near having a fever.

I just wanted to stay home. Not meeting anyone. Not feeling obliged to behave. Not feeling obliged to be gentle, funny, uplifting and nice as I'm usually am. I just couldn't be that person today. The idea of needing to do so made me nauseous.

I feel bad about it, but I'm also very happy I did this. Taking this time for myself. THinking about myself for a change. But I do feel bad about lying. About not being able to find a legit way to get the same result: a weekend for myself.

But it is done. I have the day of today. And tomorrow. And somehow it does feel good, in spite of the lying part. So i'm sipping my whiskey, eating snacks. Enjoying my private time.

I get that way too. I lie, I hide, I duck out of events and plans. I am usually a very social person but I am broken right now and need time on my own to mend. It sucks that you have tied the opening up and hugging to the loss of everything. I hope it is not that tied together. Hope you heal

[quote="specialK"]I get that way too. I lie, I hide, I duck out of events and plans. I am usually a very social person but I am broken right now and need time on my own to mend. It sucks that you have tied the opening up and hugging to the loss of everything. I hope it is not that tied together. Hope you heal[/quote]

Yeah is is exactly like that. Sort of like being overtaken by all these external stimuli/incentives that (in my case) trigger all kinds of emotions and feelings. Because I don't know how to deal with them, I need time off of all these stimuli and just be by myself to get myself together again. At least enough to be able to endure or handle the outside world again.

Thanks for your response, hope you're doing well!