So the cheery mood is mostly gone.

When I woke up this morning it was a drag. Stupid thing is, that because of the couple of good days I just had, I only became more aware of all the things that have been wrong in the past.

Memories seem to be on a battlefield all together, fighting about who can pop up first to taunt me and haunt me. Scary thing with this is that the memories of things I sort of forgot about win these battles.

So in short since yesterday evening I've been overthrown with forgotten memories and most of them are nasty. A lot of the memories are sort of in-depth memories of the fact-memories. With this I mean for instance: I knew I was sexually abused and with what actions, but didn't really remember the actual moments and how that went. And it scares me, because with these memories popping up I realise that some things were more horrible than I (wanted to) remember.

Other memories are things I flat out had forgotten about at all. A few of these I will write down here, so I cannot ignore them. I need to remember these memories so I can deal with them as well.

I cannot put them in a spoiler for possible triggers, so be aware that they might trigger:

- I've seen my dad kill in front of me. The whole scene, setting and atmosphere is very vivid.
- I've been raped by my dad. The one sexual act I thought that never happend, did happen
- i've been kicked out of the house to live / sleep on the streets multiple times, facing some horrific things during nighttimes, at a very young age (6-10)
- i've had a near death experience age 10, while in the driver's seat of the car, next to my drunk dad who raced over the road, then he passed out, and I had to get the car safely to stop. Imagen how a 10-year old kid has to do that... It was 100% thinking on my feet, 99% luck and 1% skill that we both survived that.
- getting my drunk and violent dad out of hostile pubs in really bad neighbourhoods. Things that happend then... nah.

Anyways. i was really feeling good for a few days. So I will hold on to that because it's an incentive that all is not lost, that I still have it in me to be ok with myself and things around me in present time. But for the moment I'm just really glad that I'm going to my psych again this monday so I can vent.

Thanks for reading.