... and I'm as usual very nervous about it.

Love to go, eager to go, but it's also a bit scary still. Today it will be my tenth session and for today he asked me to take some family photo's with me. I only have two photo's of my father, one of my mother, one of my brother (together with me) and just 5 of my childhood.

I'm curious to find out why he wants me to take the photo's along.

So, a bit scared, a bit anxious, but also eager yeah almost yearning to go. It helps me a lot although every time I've been to him, the following 2-3 days are horror (memories, bad temper, verrrrry exhousted, no energy, nightmares and so forth) after that things are much clearer and I feel lighter.

Well, got to go, wish you all well and a good day!

My issues:
I've been sexually abused as a child by my father;
I've been mentally abused by both my father and my mother;
I've been physically abused by both my father and my mother;
My fahter and mother were both heavy drinkers;
My father became very aggresive when drunk;
My parents beat each other up (although mainly my father beat up my mother);
My parents were constantly involved in shady things like theft, violence, all kinds of shady and bad people who also came in the house;
My mother knew I was sexually abused by my father but did nothing about it;
As a small child i've always put myself in front of either / both my mother or brother when ever my dad got violent again, because somehow I know I could stand the beating (and I did).

Because of these situations I've developed a few problems, or as I like to call them: challenges.

My challenges:
Mainly: learning to trust people, as in really trust, also concerning personal issues. The following things mostly find their basis in this first challenge:
- learning to allow myself to be vulnerable towards others
- allow myself not to be strong all the time
- allow myself and accept towards myself that I can be weak/vulnerable
- allow myself to be hurt or be emotional when other people are around
- allow other people to help me, even with the simplest things, instead of doing EVERYTHING all by myself
- allow myself to take time for myself
- allow myself to relax
- allow myself to do things 100% for myself because I like to do them
- learning not to always take others 100% in account at the expense of myself, over and over again
- especially with those people from who I know I will never get anything in return, not even plain friendship
- learning to say 'no'
- learning to not to get affected by someones bad mood, just chill and relax, nothing is gonna happen
- and especially in regard to the previous point: not try to fix the person's bad mood, which most of the time goes at the expense of myself.

I'm working on these things

I'm female - not male (in spite of what my nick may suggest)
I'm not English - Im born and raised dutch (yup, English isn't my native tongue, so don't sue me when I make mistakes)
I have blond hair - i don't have brown hair (not black, red or any other color either)
Í like almost any kind of music - I don't like experimental jazz (and some other, but this one I can't listen to at all)
I like whisky - but I like whiskey even better (you English & Scottish dudes know what I'm talkin about!)
I love animals - but I also love people (yeah really !)


ehhh... well that's it for now. Don't know if i'm gonna write much, we'll see (or not )

Thanks for reading, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!