I figure here is probably the best place to put these current ramblings other than Youtube, but then again YouTube would probably show that I don't have my $#%^ together and that I don't know what the ###$ I'm doing with my life, and that I actually care about this rather than not giving a $#%^ and living life.

I know I want to be somebody and that I want to do things and that I want to break free of my diagnosis and from medication and from the voices, government agencies, and flying people my mind created for reasons unknown to me but probably just to ###$ with me. I want to be free, I want to do things, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody who does things, but I don't want to be doing the things I'm doing now. It's at this point that I realize that I don't know what to do with my life and I'm not sure where to turn.

Everyone else around me is either a really successful overachiever or they've got themselves off doing whatever and they don't give a damn. I don't want to be the overachiever because that would be too stressful and I suck ass at sports and don't really give a $#%^ about them anyways. That leaves the options of either succeeding majorly in school like the overachievers and the few nerdy people, or not giving a $#%^ about it like the jocks who aren't overachiever and the rare stoner or two who just want to get high. I don't seem to fit into any mold or social group except the ragtag group of misfits, most of whom have other subcultures they can relate to and feel welcome in. I have none of this.

I might have ADD, but my parents won't get me tested for it and now it all seems to be connected to my psychosis according to everyone who talks to me on the matter, even though I've been like someone with ADD or ADHD for all my life, even before psychosis.

I don't understand people either, which makes someone on TV or in the movies a stone cold badass or the genius who is only quirky in the good ways and who ends up being someone that everyone likes, but no one onscreen is willing to admit to. In real life, however, it just leads to me being awkward and misunderstood, and being a misunderstood person who's usually alone isn't as fun as it seems to most people who watch TV and movies.

Instead of being seen as the cool lone rebel or like someone from a Clint Eastwood movie, I'm seen as the weird kid who's into politics and is quiet all the time who's awkward and nerdy. I don't even fit in with the nerds because I have no knowledge of computer programming.

I am good at photo editing and fiction writing, and that's about it. I used to be good at math, but for some reason I suck at math class now, although it could be the teacher, but it's probably my meds ######6 with me.

Someone told me right now is the best time of my life and that I should enjoy it. If that's the case, then life sucks more than I thought it did previously. I've accomplished little. I'm not good at sports and I don't like academics or sports. I'm at the point where my low level of success might make it so I can't get a college scholarship, thus making my private schooling null and void and leaving me with no college fund, since my whole college fund is being spent on my high school and I don't seem to be doing very well.

I'm worried about college, I'm worried about the state of the world, I'm worried about fitting in. I have some friends, but they don't seem to understand me and I don't feel happy with life despite some of them trying hard to make me happy. Because of their efforts, I act happy and try to make them happy. I don't want to make them feel bad.

Life is confusing and hard and I wish I could just be happy, so I do little things to make me happy but soon it uses up my time and I realize I've procrastinated, and then my life is #######5 as I try and finish assignments on time and I look like a failure.