Our partner

LostRed
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 917
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (8)
Archives
- April 2012
A turn for the worse
   Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:44 am

+ December 2011
+ October 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

Feed
Previous

Meds and other stuff

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Thu Aug 18, 2011 2:35 am

Meds suck. Can't feel much on them, and if I do happen to feel much, it'll either be fleeting and rare, or a vague bitterness. Why live if you can't feel? I know I'll be hallucinating things I not only see and hear, but can touch. I know I'll be paranoid and delusional. But is a void that much better?

I don't want to be dependent on meds. Hopefully this is just temporary. Hopefully it's not schizophrenia. But the docs have no idea, and if they're in the dark, where am I?

First day of school went badly. Either boring or confusing. I hope tomorrow's better, but who's to say it will be? Who's to say I'll be any happier then? Maybe I will be when we get to eat lunch in the choir room again, but when will they let us do that? We're getting to burn things in Chemistry tomorrow, maybe that'll cheer me up. I honestly can't tell. My future's a complete unknown. There's supposed o be a plan. Shouldn't the doctors have this figured out by now? Shouldn't I?

At least I have my small group of friends, right? Right? Except only one of them even knows, and she doesn't really understand. The others have no idea of my handicap. They just think they'll talk to someone else, because I don't seem to want to talk as much.

Do I really have friends? I suppose I have at least one, but then again she doesn't have a clue what it's like to go through what I have. Most everyone else at least has the comfort in knowing that what they see is there. At least they can grasp something as seemingly simple as reality.

Well, I guess it could be worse.

1 Comment Viewed 8670 times

Yet another rambling post

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:33 am

Feeling... nothing at all, right now. Kind of numb. Nothingness.

Thoughts pop into my head of Ubermensch, a mental network, genetic engineering, life, all kinds of everything.

To surpass mankind. That is the apparent goal. It seems we shall not return to the Moon or go to Mars in our current state of mankind, where we've been lied to and broken by man and government alike. Government no longer represents the people, but the people don't care. Government is better than anarchy, but by how much? There needs to be someone to take control, someone to change things, be they the Ubermensch, the New Soviet Man, the Personification of the American Dream, what have you. And yet, there is no oe to lead a change, a revolution, a metamorphosis of the world into a better place. Humans that aren't helpless are apathetic. The economy is in shambles, politicians ramble on spewing hot air, and nothing is being changed except for the worse.

As for me, I need meds, lest I lose my mind. Or so they tell me. Are they afraid of what I'll accomplish, what I'll see, what I'll do? Or would I be unable to do anything either way? Sure, I'm complacent, "normal" enough to function in society, but at what cost and why? Sure, voices and conspiracies are terrifying, and it's better without them entering my mind, but how can I tell I haven't become a mindless sheep like I'd feared? How can I tell if I'm still Me? I don't feel the same. Others tell me that I'm the same as I used to be, that I'm more like myself, but how would they know? Am I the only one that doesn't know something, or are they the ones in the dark?

What does it all mean?

I'm empty. Will I come back around to normal, or do I have to do it myself? Do I rebuild myself now? How? In what image? Do I construct the Ubermensch?

0 Comments Viewed 7048 times

Random thoughts, try and keep up with me

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Wed Jul 27, 2011 7:09 pm

Just rambling on, today, not much sense in the world. Meds kinda suck but the conspiracies seem to be gone so why should I care although I could be drugged by them but I don't feel drugged just empty, but then nervous or frantic, even if it's 3 AM. Sleep deprivation isn't helping matters. Need a bandage, blood's running on the side of my head.

Why do people do the things they do? Why do people try to fit in, try to be like everyone else? Why don't people express creativity and themselves? Why is it only socially acceptable for the popular people to do that all the time? Why is it that if you don't have good social skills you can't break new ground or start trends or anything? Why does anyone follow trends? Why does it matter?

If the human mind is capable of so much, why do we keep using it for things like trends and meaningless gossip and what happened on Jersey Shore? Who cares about that?

I need to write something. Something more. Something big. Maybe a novel. I'll write a story, some story, make something of it, accomplish something. Keep myself occupied with something entertaining. Keep the voices out of my life. Meds and writing. Meds suck, though, don't they, but I need them, so I have to take them.

I want to be free. Free of meds, free of the conspiracies, free of the government projects with genetics that my mind makes up and tells me are real even though they probably aren't. Why can't I just keep the good voices and the flying girl? Why is there a conspiracy, too, and men in black, and why don't the meds let me keep the good? Why does all this happen? Why's it happen to me, if I never got to do so many things, never even knew what I was doing before all this happened? Why can't I figure this out? Why can't I do what I want? Why do people do the weird things they do, but when I do some of them I end up looking like a fool?

Why is everything so damn confusing? Why can't I figure any of this out?

2 Comments Viewed 13705 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Yahoo [Bot]