A lot has happened since last time anyone wrote. Aaron went to the GP and let her read Sophie's most recent entry about self harm rape fantasies. She was worried, went to ask another GP what to do, he advised her to call the crisis team. She did. They said they would call us back. They did. I answered.

Even after they were told that it wasn't me who had the rape fantasy, they LECTURED ME about how I was 19 and old enough to know right from wrong and to know the consequences of my actions! They treated me like a schizophrenic, as if Sophie was a voice in my head ordering me to go get myself raped. Her name was Paula. Going to add her to my mental list of people to kill when I eventually lose the plot with this f*cking useless health service.

Moving on to Saturday, one of the weirdest nights ever. It was really freaky for me, because I've never lost time quite like this. Had a few friends over my house drinking. I was quite drunk, however I never usually forget things when I’m drunk, not like this anyway.

Last thing I remember is alter!Laura being in control, sitting on the washing machine crying, because our friend Andrew said he was going home, and she didn’t want him to go. Can’t remember walking to the washing machine, or anything. Next thing I knew, it’s morning, and I’m in bed, almost naked, Matt asleep at the bottom of my bed. I’m thinking, why did I go to bed? Last thing I remembered was drinking with my friends and having a good time. So Matt fills me in.

In the time I lost, alter!Laura took an overdose of about 4000mg of Seroquel. Vomited them back up, all over my bed, floor and in the bathroom. Verbally abused Matt. Spent 2 hours crying to Andrew because she thought he hated her. Attacked Matt with her nails (leaving cuts on his hands). Slapped him full force across the face. Threw a glass at him which shattered all over my bathroom. Smacked my head off walls/the floor (I have lumps the size of footballs on my head and it really hurts). I later found out that she also attacked Andrew, slapping him across the face and telling him to ###$ off. She also slapped Matt about 8 times and punched him full on in the chest, which caused him to have breathing problems for the next few days.
Looking back I realised I sort of “came back” for a few seconds at a time. I vaguely remember pouring a bottle full of seroquel into my mouth, and I vaguely remember throwing a glass at Matt in the bathroom, but that’s it.

The only reason she acted like this is because Andrew wanted to go home because he was tired, and she thought he hated her. This is the first time anything like this has happened to me and I’m really confused.

Apparently she vomited up most of the seroquel that she took and we keep finding them all over my room (so the more we find, that means the less she took). I went to A&E on the Monday to get blood tests done, just to be sure. They came back fine. I was given a crisis team appointment for the Tuesday at 3pm.
That was a waste of time. I got there, went in, they asked what happened, me and Matt told them the story (I always take Matt to appointments because I’m sick of the NHS twisting my words and making it seem like nothing is going on). Here was the general consensus:

“The psychiatrist you saw a year and a half ago doesn’t think you have multiple personalities. This must mean that you don’t, despite the fact you couldn’t remember everything that happened the other night by someone who claims to be an alter.”
“I don’t know if I believe in multiple personalities - there’s lots of debate about whether or not it exists”.

They were basically asking ME why I did it and I’m like “I have no idea, it wasn’t me, I can’t remember a thing”. Then they’re saying why are you here? I’m saying “Because the hospital sent me”. They’re saying how can we assess your risk if it’s not you who apparently took this overdose? I got angry and said “Well I’m sorry I’m me at the minute and not Laura!” They also said that there was no w...

[ Continued ]

Seriously hope something worthwhile in terms of referrals happens in the NHS soon. It's getting ridiculous that we're being left to struggle and self-medicate. This could have been avoided so long ago. We asked for mood stabilizers months and months ago. Now we've got them and they're working (although admittedly due to the mood scores of the past 4 entries, we could do with increasing to 150mg) it just goes to show, well, we were right all along and that the psych is withholding possibly beneficial treatment. If we are refused mood stabilizers now, despite them clearly helping, I am going to start putting in formal complains.

Aaron.

Okay, I've posted about this before I believe but I'm going to start at the beginning.

I have urges/a need to be raped. The first week I ever switched it was really strong and really difficult to resist. I needed the feeling of helplessness so much that I considered going against every safety guideline women should follow on nights out etc. in order to stay safe from sexual predators.

At first I could dampen these urges by convincing one of my friend's alters (two, actually. Fred and Francis) to properly rape me (to wait 'til I genuinely didn't want it and then force me). It seemed to work for a while but it's building up again. It's becoming not enough for someone I know and trust to do it. Also it's obviously a bit fake because the alters in question could be stopped by my friend if ever he deemed it necessary. So it'd always be like role-playing for him and it would never be genuine. Not to mention the fact I have a close relationship with him and I am attracted to him and am sleeping with him anyway. It just isn't real.

It's not a simply rape fantasy like a lot of people seem to fantasize about. I don't want to role play. I want the actual danger. I get so jealous when I hear of people who are abused or raped because I want it so badly. I don't even care if my potential attacker is young or attractive. In fact I find myself attracted to the Hollyoaks character Silas Blissett who is 60 years old, just because he is a serial killer/preys on young women and I wish I was being abused by someone like that. I dreamed once that I was in hell and being raped by an old-ish man and despite the dream being traumatising for Jodi, I loved it.

It's becoming an addiction, something I need, something I can not resist. If it's been a while since the last time I was 'raped' by one of the alters it builds up really bad and I get temptations to do what I can to actually get raped by someone for real. I know this is stupid and a rapist might kill me etc. but it's something I want/need really badly. I don't have a therapist at the minute (we saw a cognitive behavioural therapist on 31st but since it was therapy intended for 'short term depression' it really was no good for us, and the therapist recognised that) so I'm left to struggle with this. It's not something I can fight against either; because I want it so badly. The longer it goes on the more likely I am to try to get what I want. And I don't see what's bad about it as long as I don't end up dead or damaged beyond repair. It doesn't psychologically damage me as far as I can see. I get the genuine feeling of being raped during but afterwards I'm always fine.

I don't even know why I have these urges. I've never been raped in my life (other than by the alters in question if that even counts) so I'm not recreating abusive situations that I've been in before.

I don't know what to do. I need this to stop. But the health service won't f*cking help me.

Soph xxx

Woke up as me after a dream about Joe. The two times I've been out have been when I've woke up as me after dreaming about Joe. He's always really nice in the dreams and they always feel so real and when I wake up it's hard to see things any other way ie. it is easy to believe that if I talked to him, he would be understanding.

Note to others: Since 100mg of Seroquel seems to be working just fine, I think we should stay at 100mg until it stops being as effective?

Lily.

Won't be a long entry because my meds have got me about to drop off to sleep but I know the others would want me to write about this so I'm going to get straight to the point. I am attracted to/turned on by a character in Hollyoaks. The actor is 60 years old and the reason I'm turned on by him is because he's a serial killer.
That is all.

Soph xxx