I am so psyched for freshers week. I'm finally going to be able to order this beautiful dress I've had my eye on for a long time, and wear it to the formal 'Welcome Ball'! I'm so sick of Kaz's bloody boy clothes!

I'm actually quite annoyed tonight actually. I'm sick of seeing her name everywhere, on letters, on Facebook etc. "Miss T R". No one in this f*cking system even relates to that name. Actually, Laura's real name is T, but she's not coming out anymore so my point stands. I hate the name.

WE WILL NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF INTRODUCING OURSELVES AS T THIS TIME WHEN STARTING UNI. Kaz. Sophie. Aaron! Anything FFS as long as one of us who comes out actually relates to it. I also feel like writing a rant about lack of therapy/ignorant mental health workers but you've heard it all before so I won't waste my goddamn time.

Can't wait to order my beautiful dress... Can't wait to let go and just party for an entire week.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I wish I understood my feelings and my need for him. Whywhywhy? There's no attraction anymore. Him and everything that makes him I cannot ######6 stand. Is it just because she has him? Am I really that petty and pathetic that I'd still have obsessive feelings for a guy I broke up with 2.5 years ago cause he broke my heart and tore my already fragile self esteem into shreds; just because somebody else has him?

Not just anyone though. HER. The only person I would honest to God murder if I had the chance. I would do time for that bitch. Why do I hate her so much? Whywhywhy? I could go on for hours.

- It wasn't always such a strong hate. It was a mild dislike at first until he made perfectly clear time and time again that he was not willing to put me before her.
- She's f*cking ugly. Really. Makes me feel ######6 hideous that he chose that manly looking ogre above me. Oh yeah, he's not exactly Britain's Top Model either. Maybe they're good together.
- Her VOICE ohmygod. How can any f*cker listen to it without drilling rusty nails into their ears just to avoid hearing her a second longer.

F*CK YOU. F*CKING ##### LITTLE ###### #####. I HOPE YOU DIE A PAINFUL PREMATURE DEATH. Preferably right now.

Am I not good enough? I wasn't good enough for him to stop watching porn and I wasn't good enough for him to choose me over what can only be described as a pathetic excuse for a zoo animal.

I knew it all along. I always said to him that one day I'd be begging him, desperate to take me back, and he'd deny me for her. He'd CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE COMPLETELY WHEN HE WAS NEVER WILLING TO DO THE SAME FOR ME.

Right now. I wish I was dead. I can't bear this. I don't even LIKE him. I don't even want him back. But I NEED him. I need to be... I need to be special enough for him to pick me. I need to be better than her.

It's been made perfectly clear to me that I absolutely crumble in teh face of competition. n fact, I do worse than that. I turn desperate, and I turn evil. Cruel. I mean, I posted a picture of her on 4chan, a messageboard full of perverts, paedophiles, and the scum of the Earth, captioned 'would you ###$ me?' and I felt nothing when the awful replies came flooding in. Actually, 'nothing' isn't strictly accurate. I got a kick out of it. F*ck I hate her, so much. I can just imagien her looking into my eyes as the life leaves hers. The fear. The regret. The questions 'Would she be doing this if I'd just left them alone?" No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have any reason to slit her f*cking throat and let the blood spill everywhere. But she had to ######6 destroy everything. Our relationship was PERFECT for a whole ######6 year. No arguments or disagreements. THEN SHE RUINS EVERY ######6 THING.

DIE
BITCH
DIE!!!

Soph.

Sorted my student bank account today! I'm so excited to start and I can't believe how well Aaron did. I would never have gotten an A* in Law (although I may have gotten an A* in Sociology... but I'd rather have it in Law!)

I slyly hoped for no less than As all along and was ecstatic when we actually got it. So much so that Sophie and I had a total of 18 shots of vodka/blue curacao between us in the form of vod+cokes and blue lagoon cocktails. Very drunk.

Andrew came down from his college and had a few drinks with us. He didn't get the grades for his first choice uni by miles and then he just missed the grades for his insurance, but they let him in anyway .

A new alter appeared too! On the way home on the Metro. 'Isabelle' came out. She was terrified of trains, people and everything, got so worked up she had a bad asthma attack. Matt had to ask around the station and thankfully the second person he asked had one and loaned us it! Savior.

Jodi x

Today was great. Got A*AA! Didn't think it was possible to get that! But unbelievably the A* was not in Sociology (the supposed virtual certainty!) I got it in Law! OMG!

Jodi x

Results day! I'm so excited I'm not sure whether I should sleep or not. I'm realistically looking at either A*AB or A*BB. I'm hoping for A*AA and dreaming of A*A*A, but dreading A*BC or any combination of results that doesn't involve an A*.

Me, Matt and Steven are going drinking in Sunderland in the afternoon, to celebrate! Then me and Matt are having a curry, then I imagine one of the Sophie's is going to stael the show for the rest of the night. Haha.

Might try to have a bit of sleep. Big day for all of us tomorrow!

Jodi x

i feel a lot better today. i really enjoyed last night.. being tied up by Matt is like my new favourite game. hehe. It feels really nice being helpless and used.

I don't know what is going on but suddenly I don't feel so young anymore. Before, my thoughts and attitudes were quite simplistic, but since me and Matt had sex last night things seem a lot moer adult and clearer. Maybe my mental maturity has improved, or perhaps I'm blended or coconscious with adult alters. Who knows?

I'm excited for Thursday. Not really for results, but for what is going to come afterwards. Matt. Hehe. This morning was funny, he tied me up and decided to go downstairs and leave me tied in a rather unflattering position. However he made the fatal error of not tightening the handcuffs enough so I managed to get out. He was stunned and had no idea how I had managed to get out!

I wonder if my emotional age is dependant on my mood? e.g. If I'm miserable, I'm childish, but if I'm happy I'm more mature? Only time will tell I guess.

I cut a lot last night but I haven't even thoguht about it today. It has been like a miraculous change since having sex.

Sophie x