Dear blog, today was my best day Ive had since probably..june!
It was great all the way through.
And again it shows that my problem lays in feeling that i look good. Because today I really felt beautiful in the morning. And that lasted the whole day, no matter where I looked <3.
People were winking and flirting with me today. I was chatty and open and fun. I met and made a new friend. I had the busiest day ever, school from morning until evening with lunch break, and I just managed to be on TOP this whole time!
This is what life should be like, this is how I should be like. How wonderful, how productive, how, just normal, the way it used to be..

My mood is my looks. I go from night to bright sunshine. Its such an amazing transformation. Just because of that little thing so many people have natural...a pretty face.

I have had a boyfriend since more than 4,5 years...but I must say.....man did it feel nice to get that many guys attention, flirting and respect today. They treat me like I deserve <3

Everyone was so sweet today, Im just all on pink clouds right now. )

On one hand I dont want to scream out in joy, because I know tomorrow can be the opposite, but I just have to soak every single happiness out of this day.... it was 6 months since last time I was somewhere near this happy. (i think even the happiest and most satisfied with my looks in a couple of years....omg)

I dont want to go to sleep, i dont want this day to end!! My boyfriend is "travelling" away since some days, and will be gone till christmas, so having a social life is necessary for my survival.I hope there are many more beauty days for me ahead.

WOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am making this blog mostly for myself to further ahead be able to look back and see how I have progressed, how I have managed my days.
I dont got a lot of time on my hands so I am trying to make it as short as possible with the essentials. Although it always get longer than thought.

Monday 2012-11-05

Was up all Sunday night to restore my proper sleeping patterns.
Went to hospital at 8.30 for a lab.
Despite the lack of sleep I manage to make myself look nice this morning and I was very pleased when I left the home. The mirrors were all good and even the final one "approved", the elevator one when leaving my building. I was ready.

I was greeting everyone of the hospital patients that said hello to me. I was calm, confident and just normal. I was ready for a normal day in a normal persons life. One of my colleague was in the room. We had a nice long relaxing talk about various things. I was not trying to hide or stop the conversation, it just went on, spontaneously and very nice.

We went to find the teacher. Accidentally I saw myself in a far away mirror, which I had not anticipated when looking for less than a second into a room. Damn! Although it went so fast I still managed to see that I was not 100% looking the way I expected/wanted/thought.
I tried not to think more of it, tried to remember how beautiful I looked just half an hour ago at home. My reasonable me told me it was just so fast that mirror view, from a strange angle, with a strange light, and I didnt really look at me, but at my teacher in front of it.

Then, we sat 8 people in a room around a table talking to a patient. By then I was managing to focus entirely on the task and the case was interesting. My mind was of course always a bit on my looks, and when somebody looked at me as I asked any question I kept thinking "what will they think of how I look?". But i didnt let it bother my involvement. I always end up asking most questions and acting most interested in the cases. I do it also to challenge the "afraid" side of myself.
I am always amazed of the amount of good acting I am able to do, in moments in which inside Im scared and shaking like a scared child.

After the lab I was tiered due to the sleepless night, but since it was one of my very special "good-looking-days" I knew I had to take advantage of it, and do things on my to do list now that I am presentable enough to face people.
I took care of some stuff, and today people were generally nice and polite to me.

But.... There is almost always a but...

As the hours passed I got more and more head ache. Not sleeping and eating well started giving me migraine. Along comes the photophobia and I cannot stand light, so I put on my sunglasses. Even though there was no immediate sunshine, it was still too bright to manage the migraine.

I was fine, until one idiot had to comment. This is not the first time this happens, as I often need to use my glasses for my photophobia because I very often have migraines (due to my worries??). As I waited for the tram, two girls slightly younger than me walks by and one of them said loudly to the other while looking at me "oh there is so much sunshine today". She had a mocking attitude and gave me a look as if i was awkward. I mean why? WHY?
That ruined it for me. On my way home I just was so angry with the world. That they cannot accept a person being different. That people are so ignorant not to understand that if a person wears sunglasses it might be due to other factors than sunlight!
You could have had a laser eye surgery, you could be photophobic due to medical conditions (i.e migraine!!!), due to some medications.
No, these people have to give a damn ignorant comment.

The world will never be free from these people, and I must learn to stop taking offense. So why do I? When I know that I am better than them at probably any aspect in life.

Its like a narcissistic side of me just CANNOT understand how a...

[ Continued ]

My story can be found in the BDD forum. Shortly I am:
A woman, 28 years, medstudent last year, in a happy relationship, in a daily struggle with trying to look "normal", "perfect", "my best", or honestly just something that I can live through the day with.

Usually hours of morning make-up trial fails. Exhaustion and migraine follows. Before that, frustration, anger and sadness. Sometimes I remain home, from school, parties, dinners, friends. Almost always. I been struggling with this since around 9th grade...the years in which one discovers the miracle of the make up, and the wonders it does to how people sees you and how boys start noticing you. From being a girl, to being a pretty young lady was remarkable. But as years has gone by I find it hard to look like that pretty girl. It has progressed into worse with each years I am loosing more of my eyebrows. I overplocked them early, around 9-10th grade. They thinned more and since they are pretty light, now I have basically nothing to work with.

Eyebrows. The word brings such emotion and anguish, memories of years...years of frustration.
They who held up my looks, are now letting other parts shine through in a way they cannot handle.

I can look very pretty, with make up, in a certain way. And I can also look like the ugliest thing ever existed (with or without make-up), being harsh on myself.
I do not have a big nose, or missing any vital structures of the face. But its the small things and their arrangement that does not "please" me.

I do not have inferior complexes. I like myself, the inner self. Also the outer from neck down. I love my body because I can alter it in any way I want with exercise. The woman body is beautiful and sensual, and I love it.
I am genuine, loving, caring, intelligent, inventive, passionate, and I believe a lot in myself and my abilities. Physically and mentally. I have competed in gymnastics, I have 5 years of hard studies behind me, failures and victories. I have grown into a calm, tolerant and respectful person. I feel that I could do anything in my life, that I wished to do.
But, there is always this shadow of my looks that comes in the way.

A normal day in which I am lucky, I manage to do somewhat make-up to get out of the house, still trying to hide under a hat or fringe or what is there, not initiating conversations if not necessary, trying to avoid mirrors which I know will devastate me and set me on the next taxi/tram home. That happens when I am overconfident when I leave the house and just have to check on myself in school or in the hospital to see if I didnt fool myself. But of course, it is always a let down. I get sad and just think of all the ways I can get through the day without going home earlier. My studies are the most important to me, so I try hard not to let them suffer from this, what ever I do.

When I manage to look the way I want, my day is changed, I am a happy, social person, initiating conversations, which can be shocking to people who have never seen me making a move before. I never want to go home, I want to take care of everything I have postponed, and talk to all people to show I am not really a quiet, unsocial thing just sliding in and out. Its a quite overwhelming difference between the two "me´s". Those good days are very very rare, maybe once in 3 weeks, a month. Luckily I still have them to take care of the social things like important meetings and making my friends remember who I really am.

My boyfriend. Since 4y and 8months, what a rock. Due to himself having had problems a couple of years back (still have some minor panic attack signs that he manages to eliminate) he is very supportive, my true blessing and savior. He knows my eyebrow problem, but I have avoided telling him to exact what extent of ugliness I can feel about myself. That just cant be helpful to anyone. He sees me spending hours in front of the mirror, I no longer try to hide doing it. ...

[ Continued ]