Here is something for yous who think my life is walk in the park.

There is no will of life in me. How ever I twist and turn it, I cannot find a way out or any solution. When manage to go to school its ok, but then I come home, I become restless, I cannot focus on anything but my miserable thoughts, my miserable life, this life I was doomed to. When I get restless I take benzodiazepines and I go to sleep. For 16 hours. Stay up fr 3 hours, then I do it all over again. I dont want t be awake.
I sit and I stare. I avoid talking a longer time to my family, because I am scared I'll break down and hurt them too. I dont cry, I suppress, I feel empty.

I have a long life story behind me with not nice experiences, maybe I will share one day. I thought many years I had worked through them, and I do believe that I have, but what is imprinted in you, i am afraid will always be imprinted. It will follow you no matter where you go or how happy you are in a moment.

Today is a day that I have given up my hope.
I have had many of those days, yes.
I just woke up, but thinking if I should stay up staring at the wall all night, or take more benzos to go back to sleep again.

It is indeed a sad day.... but tomorrow I'll be better, no?

Today I had a full day of experiences. Woke up on the good side and had plenty of time to enjoy the quiet morning.
My classes went well, socially everything went smooth today. It was a relaxed and nice day. Nice that it came so quick after that low part I had just recently. Things change so drastic, and that is the scary part of the future. Future is what scares me the most. I want to be a good professional, and I must step up one more step from this soon I feel. I need to initiate another scary scenario to challenge myself.

I was thinking of starting the gym again. If there is something I love it is to push my body to the max, I admire the human body a lot. And love to see the results. A lot of exposure in a gym. I think this is the next step in my progress. Let loose the endorphines. Workout is a natural antidepressant, not to be underestimated.

Spoke to my mother (my family life in another country), spoke to the love.
All homeless 9 kitties has received their daily water and food. I feel that I have completed the my task in life of today, I will go to sleep in peace. My blacky awaits for me.

Nighty nighty <3

Thanks to two loving creatures on this forum I have decided to stay a little more. This time with a different approach. I take everyone´s story with biggest seriosity, and will try to help, but I am also keeping a distance from it not getting to personally. It wont befit anyone. We hurt we heal and then we move on.

I have made the decision of leavening this forum, including having all my posts deleted. There are several reasons.

I came here because I was in a very low mood, needed some support from someone who understands my condition. Also, if I was able to help anyone, that meant a lot. Helping others will also help yourself.

But it kind of ends there. Perhaps it was me, my way of writing that was incorrect, i am open to change, but it has left a bad after taste this whole experience. I may have expected something different, more of a community to talk about normal things in life, than somewhere were people just left their load off and get replied "everything will be fine". It is nothing wrong with saying that, it is very important to say that, but maybe I was expecting to make closer connections. And again, I can take the blame on myself. I also understand that living with BDD or any other mental disorder can depress you to a state of not being able to properly take in other peoples information. As we get very depressed, we stop caring for our selves, and in all areas interest is lost, maybe also in other members. I notice in most of the topics, when a person is in need of support, there is very seldom found a reply based on real concrete help facts, but mostly those klishé words, and always bringing back the topic to your own self. I have noticed I can do that too. But it is not a strange thing, we are so very preoccupied with our selves, so how can we dedicate proper support to a stranger?

With those facts, I had hoped to finding people with my problems, but who were also able to speak about normal and good daily days, and not get offensive reactions about talking about something awesome happening once in 30-100-365 days, be proud of it without negative word feed-back. I am a sensitive person, an I take offense also. I feel that on this forum I was not allowed to feel well, to feel beautiful, even though for me it happens so seldom. I have days, many days, each week of wishing I didnt have to do this anymore, that I am disappointed for having a family and a wonderful boyfriend living that will be devastated if i just dissapeard (died), which is what I want to do most of the days. But I dont mention that, I try to be positive with you people. Life is very hard to live, for me it is. I have tried to be as positive as I have could, helped as much as I have could, within the range of my knowledge. And when you notice it is not received well, then I feel no point in continuing.
Posting a very personal drawing that I have spent a lot of time on, out of all people who saw the thread, there were two wonderful reactions, I thank you for those.
But honestly it was then, than I realized, that on this forum, I am not allowed to be good, talented, or successful. Posted a wonderful drawing which I am very proud of, but it seems like it was too much, and nobody wanted to give complements...why?? I cannot have BDD and be talented and successful and smart? I am, but I am also often in suicidal thoughts, I am fighting with them on a daily basis.

I wanted friends, people with BDD, but who can forget also their problems for a moment and see the beauty in life. Maybe in this way I might have come a long way in my progress. I dont feel I have progressed. I feel terribly uncomfortable every single day I go out, to school or to pay my bills or food shopping. Standing in a line is a very very hard thing. Standing, being observed, get looks, which you dont know how to interpret because you are paranoid, ALL THE TIME. It is truly exhausting. Exhausting........
And when I am home I can relax, and I come in here to write a bit of the day, trying not to let the bad experiences take too much space, because I intentionally want to focus on the good aspects, the hope and the future. Maybe I kept away the negativity too much, to the extent that people here thought that my problems were minor. And maybe I came off arrogant? Thats not how I am.

Next ...

[ Continued ]

Been working all night on this thing. Complicates itself this DSM-IV-TR manual, its nothing like anything we have read in general medicine so far. I think I´ll have to leave this part for last. But its the best choice of work I could have imagined, it is a highly motivating study.
Overall been working out fine, my fist time doing a major work like this, and I am starting to understand its enormousness. (aj aj aj...)

Now I am going for a nappy. Tomorrow is school day, lets see what kind of psychiatric patients we will have this time! With 6 year working with demented elderly I can say that I have become tolerant to most awkwardness in personalities, and their ever-changing nature. Miss those times. The poor things.

Wishing all of you who read here a wonderful day with huge courage, self-love and a moment to appreciate the beautiful arts of nature around you. <3

(English is NOT my first language, so please bare with me if I make mistakes.);)