Today started very well. Followed my normal schedule, went to work. Everything was fine. About an hour 1/2 before leaving I got this feeling that all the customers were silently judging me. Stupid me, couldnt shake the feeling they were all staring at me. Went into the back room and took a few deep breaths. My coworker tried to show me a funny video but pulled up the wrong one lol.
Saved my life that the store died down after that and we only had 2 more customers in the next hour before I left. Im a wimp for not just brushing this off.

It was quite the day. Nothing unusual happened outside myself, but it was the first good day in a while. Someone even mentioned that I was especially funny today. There wasnt even that empty feeling. My body is not a shell. It is the tool my soul uses to interact with the universe.

I only had one voice today. Just someone who wasnt there, calling my name. Only one word. If it can be like this every day, I would never change.

Tomorrow will be a test. There are many phone calls to make, and details to stress over. It will all work out somehow.

Every morning, when I emerge from my room, my three large dogs get very excited and run like hell down the hall to the back door! They want to join me for a cigarette. Today something interesting happened. As I ignited this horrible death stick, the largest and oldest of the three (a hundred pound german shepherd) leaned against my leg, and burried his face in me.

I felt loved, and like I would be missed if I werent here. This is a great start to what Im hoping is a great day.

It cant be expected that everyone reading this has a perfect day, but I wish you to find the good in it.

Today dragged very heavy on me. Whats the point of focusing on the negative? It just drives you deeper into your hole. There are some new skills for dealing with my moods that I learned today.

I really hope they will help me out of this funk Ive been in. If this works then I can motivate myself to get into a trade school. Start making an actual career. Have something to look foward to when I wake up.

Theres so much to do, and Ive just been letting it go by. Soon, though, very soon, there will be a bounce back. A change is coming. In time I can become myself again.

As a young child, up until I was 5 or 6, I had been a very happy and friendly boy. A little shy sometimes, but had no trouble making friends. Although we did move a lot. Thats just what happens in a low income, single mother household.

She did very well looking after me and my older sister. Made a lot of sacrafices for us that make her a saint in my eyes. Sometimes we would only have enough food for two small meals. Leaving the third big person out of luck. She would smile so big and sweet, and say,"dont worry, hun, I had all the dinner I could eat at work!"

I started kindergarten and kept getting in fights with one boy in particular. This was a small town, so nobody got suspended. Just punished by standing in the corner and calling our parents.

That year, my mom met a man who was very kind to her. He would mow the lawn when she was too busy, fix her car when it broke down. He was very generous to us. A year later he and his two sons moved in with us. The younger of the two was the same boy I had been fighting with the previous year in school.

After a short time, we realised nothing was as it seemed. The kind and caring man was controlling and abusive. In a great many ways that we wont be getting into.

The older son was happy to hurt anything. The two would gang up on me a lot, but usually he would be content to catch and kill neighborhood animals. Sometimes I would find the corpses and further mutilate them. Frustration? A longing to be strong like him? I dont know.

There were lots of more fights at school. Now I was in first grade and the teachers said it wasnt cute anymore, which I found demeaning. I hated being talked down to lik that. If i ever disrespected my elder, though, I would have got it real bad.

That fear kept me in line for a very long time. Its still a small part of me today.

My teacher had recomended I stay back a year due to "developemental" issues. I was very withdrawn from everyone. She didnt even bring up the fact that I didnt know how to read. Maybe she wasnt paying any attention to my needs and just saw a problem student that spent most of his time daydreaming.

After the second time through the grade, my mom's boyfriend had been arrested for child abuse. My sister and I went to live with our father, and the other boys went to live with their mother. Thus my wonderful, beautiful, and poor victim mother was left alone with nobody for a time.

My Dad didnt get custody because of the jailing. You see, around that same time, my grandma on my dads side commited suicide and left a chunk of money to him for legal fees. It just happened to coincide with the previous event.

After years of hardly knowing my dad, I finally got the opportunity to know him on a personal level. Well, thats what I thought anyway. Its funny how hings dont always work out how you think they would.

Ya so thats my life up till 8 years old. Theres more detail, but you have an imagination. Thanks for reading!