I got my hocd when I was 13 and now I'm 17. I'm a girl and fighting it is so tiring and scary. What I'm experiencing now is hopefully backdoor spike (as some people call it). I have no anxiety but my attraction towards boys is really low and it sucks. I KNOW for a fact that I only admire girls but whenever I see a pretty girl and I know I only think she's pretty, my mind turns it into "you're gay" and I reason with myself (which I'm trying not to do anymore) and say "but i only think she's pretty, i dont have the butterflies like i get for boys" but my mind ignores that. My compulsions are still here (having to say a certain thing, having to act a certain way) and I basically have no social life. When a boy I don't like flirts with me I instantly spike and instead of being like "its not that i dont like guys, i just don't like him" my mind says "you spike because you are gay." I also have the urge to come out, but it's much smaller now. I KNOW I'd NEVER date a girl, I see girls as friends, but hocd just sucks the life outta me. Anyone with the same problem? Please leave your experiences down below..

my hocd seems so real, everything that it makes me think of, feels so real. The urges are horrible, false attractions make me wanna kill myself. I just want to be my old, normal, carefree self where I was sure I liked boys and when I thought 'oh she's pretty' i'd leave it at that, not start being so anxious and thinking "why did you think this" are you gay??"

Another sucky day and i'm back here on this forum to talk about it. I just feel so upset and the intrusive thoughts are even more realistic now. For example when this all started for me (4 yrs ago) i'd just have intrusive thoughts of kissing a girl (im a girl) but now hocd produces thoughts like "oh, you wanna date her" and stuff like that. I just wanna end it all. I am weak and pathetic and i feel really bad and i hate myself i just wana my old self back who was able to see a girl and just think oh she's pretty and let it go, now my mind produces intrusive thoughts and i get groinals and i wanna die

i am struggling with this current spike, and that is that everyone thinks i'm gay. for example today i went for a coffee with my friend and her boyfriend. her boyfriend was kinda shy and i was honestly thinking really hard if i look good and if he thinks i'm pretty (not jealousy or anything, i don't even know the boy well, but he was cute lol) and i was embarassed to look him in the eye so i kept looking at my friend instead and my mind kept saying "you kept staring at her like a freak, they both think you are gay, you never had a boyfriend, everyone thinks you are gay". I manage to calm my anxiety and I rarely get any anxiety at all since i have hocd for over 4 years. I still get groinals if i look at a girl's butt or think about a girl, it doesn't even matter who she is, but i learned to accept it and i know that it's not real arousal, because i know that real arousal also happens in your lower stomach and you get excited, not only a tingling in your lady parts. but lately i've just been really paranoid that all of my friends think i'm gay, which i hope they don't. Currently i have a crush but he doesn't really notice me and i'm afraid that even if he did i'd freak out because of my hocd. Ugh...does anyone experience the same??

I've been doing pretty good for the last few weeks, but occasionally I spike at random things. For example I know I don't like girls (i'm a girl) but if I don't like a boy my mind says "well, you have to like one. You don't find that boy attractive, well ur gay" and it makes my head spin. I am so confused and scared. I am also afraid that everybody thinks I'm gay because I never had a bf and rarely like anyone (only two of my closest friends know who i've liked, but I do crush a lot, I only keep it to myself). Lately I've been also suffering from lack of attraction, which I've never had before. I mean, I do still have a crush on this guy but idk it's weird. Whenever a pretty girl sits by me for example on the bus or idk my mind starts producing intrusive thoughts and urges and I have to try and shut them off or ignore them.

It just gets so messy and confusing, sometimes I really don't know who I like anymore. I know that you can't change your orientation, and I know that I've only had boy crushes but my mind still keeps replaying : but now you are gay" and it sucks